Wired

  HO BOY it's Friyay!

What am I gonna complain about this time!?
Well, this time around, there isn't much I can think of! The only annoying thing that happened recently was my car getting towed in our own complex's resident parking area. "Non-operational."
I leave the house never and am punished for it. Trying to contest the impound fee, but considering how they haven't answered any of my attempts to contact them, I'll just have to eat it. Sucks.
But things could be a lot worse! I have my car back, and good things are coming. That's really all I'm focused on ^_^

I started journaling, kind of!
I haven't the slightest idea of what I'm doing. Not to mention there isn't much creativity that flows in my head. Like, I can't fathom concepts of attractive designs or come up with artistic ideas. Idk, the wiring in my brain for that just... isn't set up. So I'm just jotting down whatever and trying to make it bright and loud, and appealing enough for me to continue. It's day 3. I like it.
I like lists, but only implement them in essays, and not to organize my own thoughts. For the longest time I felt that I had my own errands and chores under control just by thinking about them, but all that really came down to was being overwhelmed, not knowing where to start, and putting things off- leading to not getting many things done.

Journaling now allowed me to organize things I want vs. have to get done and it's been helpful. It's working! I like looking to and consulting my little journal to see what other tasks I can knock off. It's like work. ...Ew. I'm managing myself.

I've noticed now though.... I always leave the artsy stuff for last lol. Like I'll have clerical/school tasks and house chores prioritized over my own creative endeavors. And even if I have time to start a creative thing, I'll still put it off til the next day.

Which brain is that? The non-art one. Right? Left?
Googled it:

Correction: I prefer cats, and cannot math to save my life. I'm also highly sensitive (HSP). Like, not feelings lol but in that I pick up on everything... like someone glancing differently, or their body language can shift for 2 seconds and it's just as apparent as someone outwardly stretching their arms. Clear as day. It's annoying, especially when old bosses gaslight you about it. I don't infer emotion from it though, just notice they do it. And based on the vibes of the room or conversational context, deducing positive or negative affiliations are almost always common sense. To me. Apparently.
It's stupid ANYWAYS yeah.

What was I getting at? Oh yeah. Left brain. I'm not creative. So I put off artsy stuff listed in my journal that I wanna do. Stupid. It seems fun-ish but also taxing lol. Because I can't come up with anything satisfying. That's probably why I try to support artists who perfectly capture my love of niche bullshit, but well and beautifully.

MOVING ALONG.
Chickeng wangs

Homdray is always hangry.

So Lifa looked up a recipe for fried chickang wangs. We have the lovely set of Hot Ones sauces to explore, thanks to Chicken. And it was the perfect night to indulge in delicious suffering.

Behold. The instruments of pain.
Delicious torment awaited us
We were so excited to be hurting loololol
I'm also delighted to mention that there weren't filters placed on these photos. That trippy green/red shadow effect on the wings came from the lightbulbs

It's beautiful.

Three rows all beneath their corresponding sauce, arranged by level of scoville. Lowest on the left- highest continued to the right.
While Chicken, Lifa and myself set ourselves up for chicken wings, Homdray insisted on the shrimp variant.

I prepared a cup of cocogoat for myself. Chicken had pedialyte, Lifa had his whiskey, and Homdray his water rofl.

To bump up the levels of fun, Homdray put up 10 questions on the whiteboard that we would answer as we ate the wings. One by one. Everything was fine until we got to the last 4.

I like to think that my spice tolerance is decent. But these, one after the other, had me thinking of Pinhead cruelly playing with me. My throat, lips, tongue, and sinuses were sad.

But my resolve to not drink anything until I finished was stronger. I ate everything, answered my questions, and chugged my cocogoat milk.

Our reward for getting through this was ice cream.

The next evening, since we had more wings to go through...

We still used the sauces, but leisurely lol. And!
Lifa got Sense - 不祥的预感: A Cyberpunk Ghost Story on his Switch :D

He already has it on PC, but for whatever reason opted for it again. It made me happy. Mostly because he hadn't played it on PC yet, and this way we could all watch him play.

He finished the 1st playthrough in two sessions. There's a lot that he can still unlock, as it has a lot of re-playablity, but from what he got to experience the first time he really enjoyed. Said it was unique in flavor and style.
I can understand why some wouldn't want to play it, as it's controls and playstyle are probably even too niche, but personally find enjoyment in exploring things I'm unaccustomed to. If I can't see myself getting into it, at least I gave it a shot. If I do find it to be a fun new experience, the surprise is always a pleasant breath of fresh air, especially in a market so heavily saturated with patterns in trends and catered to streaming as a new way of marketing.
Nothing wrong with that, just the whole picking up on everything thing. It's tiring. For me.


ARTSY ENDEAVOR
It's been a little bit since I bothered with clay. Now hopefully it's better understood why that is.

Bat, Opossum, Hyena

I've been wanting to make something bat related, but couldn't think of what. Nothing unusual there. I knew I wanted it to be tangible and cute. What color, how big, what style, or design never crossed my mind. It couldn't. So I did the next best thing, and replicated a miniature I'd made like 4 years ago of a baby bat wrapped in a blanket, inspired heavily by Batzilla's youtube channel.

But this time, I wanted it to have plush features. How can I do that? Idk. The miniature was of a brown flying fox wrapped in a lilac blankie with white dots. That's kinda cute. I made several of those miniatures, they're ... somewhere. I made 4. That one, an albino one, a black one, and a Brown bat (they have tiny faces and funny noses). I'd do that again. But how?

Well. If I wanna do plush stuff, I need fabric.

He's such a good, supportive Chicken.

I thought of taking the shortcut of just buying little wash cloths online because I dread going out, but ultimately decided that it'd be cheaper to buy the fabric, and I'd probably need other things I hadn't thought of yet. So to Joann's we went.

And I was right. I hadn't thought of additional things I'd need like stuffing lmao. And some paints, and ... other stuff I immediately forgot about.

I over-baked the heads, but whatever. These are test babies.

So why those 3? Well.. because I like opossums and hyenas...
because they look like bats lmao

First baby bat completed. Took longer than I liked. I realized my first huge mistake was forgetting to texture the clay. Big whoops. So mimicking fur patterns with watered down acrylic and pastels was needlessly agonizingly meticulous and dumb, but the face is cute.

The wrap was too long. Learning. But I hemmed it! I hate hemming. Also I cheated, and used a glue gun instead of sewing a hem because I don't have a sewing machine anymore OOPS.

And then I moved onto the opossum. I like the face, took forever to sculpt the way I wanted it, but I don't like how heavy handed I was around the eyes. Learning! The wrap was shorter, but too thick. Gotta take it easier on the stuffing.

Until I figure out how I wanna ultimately make them better, I'm focusing on mastering the faces first

I remembered to texture this time.

The cool thing about these is that bats come in all kinds of shapes and colors, so they don't all have to look alike. This relieves me of all kinds of stuff, because I'm a perfectionist... and looked into making molds. It's disgusting. But decided against it.
I'm working on this one now. Obviously. And this time, I didn't over-bake the head! Also used a different clay. And this one will be sent out to my mom. She'll have her own little baby bat to snuggle.
They're not huge. One day maybe I'll get good enough to make bigger, 1:1 sculpts. If that happens, I'd probably start exploring silicone. Clay is cool, but if I had a plush with a silicone or some kind of flexible head, that'd be dope.

The hyena got put off because I was struggling with etching the fur pattern into the baked clay, and got impatient and annoyed lol. I might just redo it, idk. But so far am prioritizing the bats. The opossum was pretty cute tho lol damn. I DON'T KNOW we'll see.

There are other artsy things I wanna do, but if I'm honest here, I want another work area. My PC area has been fine but

awesome, some people just walked into our house unannounced in the midst of a global pandemic. lovely. swear to fucking god. and everyone is like WHY ARE NUMBERS GOING BACK UP

i can't fucking imagine why that would be.

there goes my good mood.

happy friday.

Objection

  There's this song that I can't stop listening to. I went looking on youtube for an hour version of it, and found (1 Hour Version) streets by doja cat but it's playing in another room + it's raining.

Hilarious and amazing.

Man. Weird stuff going on. Not just capitol stuff but recently, my past came back to say hi. Kind of. It's cool. And somewhat relevant? It's fine, I'll make it relevant. Watch.

I'm thinking maybe the idea of another year ending/passing gave some courage to reach out, idk. But I caught up with someone I hadn't spoken to since like 2013ish. Not for any reason in particular, there was never any animosity. I feel like it was mostly my fault. I blame life getting in the way, but if I'm really honest with myself, I was just trying to go go go and get out of my head.
So much has changed, and it's cool to see how things worked out. Hey Cam, thanks for reaching out! (and for Hades, it's so good holy shit)

That was the first person. The second person jokingly jabbed that we only talk once about every 3 years. I last saw him like 4 years ago I think, when I visited family in Pennsylvania.
High school lesson with that one. He's one of my favorite tales to tell, despite the fall out we had. He wasn't an ex or anything like that, but one of those people who leaves an impression because of how they presented.
This guy used to be a self-proclaimed skinhead when he was a teenager. I first saw him at the mall- he was this decked out traditional punk dude in a group of others like him, I was like holy shit. I didn't know what skinheads were then. I just knew punk when I saw it.
Later ran into him at punk shows.
The hilarious thing was that he still hung out and associated with me. It went against what he supposedly believed in, but it just fed my ego. I learned about American History X because of him. It was one of his favorite films, but I never understood why because the film condemns his supposed lifestyle (at the time).
He recently confessed that he didn't pursue me back then because my family and culture intimidated him. I just laughed, telling him in return that the juxtaposition of our bizarre friendship only inflated my ego. He said he was a jerk, and I can tell he feels bad about how high school stuff went down. I wasn't looking for any sort of concession from him, but when he said that- I surprisingly didn't care. He was, but he helped build my confidence. Weird, I don't know.

This is important to me in particular because... I think it's how my reasoning with prejudiced/racist people started to mold. If a person like that can be charmed so easily, then prejudice is weak (or at least pathetically malleable). I found it more laughable than insulting. Which ultimately made me look at racist or prejudiced people like clowns. I cannot, for the life of me, take them with any ounce of gravity. Like, I just can't. It's like I don't even look at them as legitimate specimens of evolution. They're a penumbra of invalidation on modern societal advancement. Racists, of all kinds, are a negative notch of evolution whose ire I find to be the most subordinate brand of conviction. lol they're clowns.

Is he lesser? No. He grew out of it long ago, and it's a sore topic for reminiscing. But my ego ruthlessly smiles at the memory. I don't hold it over him- at this point I don't think it's about him at all. Simply an egotistical tick that I'll forever hold with me. Like armor.

When Chicken told me what was happening at the capitol, I rolled my eyes. Ultimately, they achieved nothing. Trashing buildings, looting, and posing for pictures are hardly markers of victory. Nothing short of a droll temper tantrum that was poorly mitigated- doesn't help that many probably had concealed carry permits. I think everyone knows it was a looming threat and possibility if things went South.

*ba dum bum tszz*

:D

Sorry.

I find more issue with security than anything else. Then again, if we look at who's ultimately in charge, it's also not that surprising that reinforcements weren't sent out before hand in preparation. The only ambiguity, I felt, were the objections. Every time someone got up to object, it just felt like Treebeard and his council all over again

I object to objecting the objection.

ugh. lol

Well, here we are. WITH PHOTOS

On another corner of the internet, Sense ACPGS has launched on the Switch!

The forums are littered with drivel. Much of it positive and in support of the game and devs, but drivel nonetheless. The forums are now a showboating exhibition as opposed to a place where players can go for resources on the game lol.
It's great to support but unless they're buying the game, overwhelming the forums with the "fuck them i support you" messages is useless. Buying the game, playing it and leaving a review is leagues more practical. I appreciate the posts questioning the art style more than the "i support you" posts. At least they stimulate discourse.

woo she got lots of opinions tuhday!

OH. I saw someone say "if you think xyz, your opinion is wrong" and like, I got sad. Because theoretically, that is incorrect. I know she was mad and thought she was defending a cause or something- whatever, but like... fallacies aren't good! haha They do one zero favors in dialog. It's actually worse. They make you look stupid lol

I started watching Nurse Ratched on Netflix yesterday. I wanna argue with her lol. I think I could take her. I read One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest in high school, and later watched the film. It's a great film because Nurse Ratched is a villain that's rarely well executed. Her build is 100% psyche and mental. And I could take her lmao.
The show kind makes her character sloppy in ways, I don't think she would've blackmailed people as overtly as the show depicted. ANYWAY.

Here are photos of Chicken being dogpiled the last weekend of winter break

We had just finished watching Soul (we except for Chicken. He wanted to go to sleep - unbeknownst to me) and they missed him terribly. So I said lets go jump on him!

We kept him up until like 4, I felt so bad. It was a Saturday and I hadn't realized that he wanted to get his sleeping schedule back to normal :(

Lifa noticed the taxidermy bats hanging from the ceiling and

Homdray started shouting about something

This is what it looks like when he goes on one of his reddit tangents that no one agrees with ever

Except for when it comes to [REDACTED]

"yo... can I hold your lightsaber?"

His wonderment was endearing. Everything in the room was like a toy he had to touch

New year, new... I don't know. I tried to be kpop because I have this korean lip tint that isn't THE RED IT ADVERTISED IT AS. It's like red but orange. It's fineseyo.

Was listening to Xymox and thought I was hilarious

The day I did my Orpheus make up, when I walked out of the bathroom, Chicken just looked at me and smiled, "you look cute." I still think about that. I thought he'd be put off, but he never is. It means more coming from my partner who isn't goth.

ok LOOK AT THIS

Tonight, we will experience and embrace pain with our gluttony. 40 wings. 10 wings each (well, except for Homdray, he wants shrimp). But we're gonna do it. My masochism only heightens excitement.

Annnnnd, since I've been getting kinda antsy, I started making these for a thing I'm gonna try.

Bat, Opossum, and Hyena!
There's more, but I have to get materials.
I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with them. I tried to see how fast I could get these done, but I need to improve on pace, no doubt.

It's nice to have other stuff to do besides gaming. There's only so much System Shock 2 I can take in before my brain melts from so much backtracking. I don't know if that's how the game was designed, but I went into it with a big ass disability in that I am directionally challeneged lol. Tunnels and several floors and shit like that.... add an extra 50 hours to my playtime easy just trying to navigate stuff- with a map haha. It's really good tho. I love it. It's easy to see how this game pioneered a lot for the First-person RPG genre.

Even Fallout seems to have taken inspiration.

This area I felt familiar even though this was my first playthrough. That's because...

Both in Fallout 3 and Fallout 4, the vaults had the exact same layout! That's insanely cool. Whether or not that was deliberate is unknown to me, but if it was I'm sad that I missed out on realizing this back then. Better late than never!

I'm not using any mods to play System Shock 2. So it looks aged, but it's so good that the graphics don't really make any difference. If it's good, it's good. Speaks for itself, you know?

The only thing that's weird is the comparison people put on Bioshock to System Shock 2. I don't see the parallels at all. I played all the Bioshock games. Maybe the radio storytelling and quest derivatives...the psychic abilities I guess? but beyond that the similarities are lost to me. But! If I had to choose which one was more enjoyable and engaging, I'd vote System Shock 2 without hesitation.

But if you like System Shock 2, I will throw this title out. It's basically System Shock 2 without the sci-fi factor.

Penumbra: Black Plague by Frictional Games - the people who did the Amnesia games (which were just okay- Penumbra series predates Amnesia series and is much better imo)
Underground research facility trope, experiments, unknown pathogen plaguing and mutating staff, survivors left tapes and clues to find them, mysteries, riddles and puzzles to piece together, backtracking, weird life forms etc. It's good.

This youtube video has been restarted 3 times now.

PENUMBRA PENUMBRA PENUMBRA. I tried to be smooth about it, but don't think that came across lol.


SIGH The first week of 2021 feels like a 2020 DLC

"NWBZPWNR"

I'll miss you buddy. You left us with your memory and message that cosplay is monumentally more than simply dressing up. Having met you the way we did will forever be a hilarious, fond memory we shared that I'll never tire of retelling. You will be so sorely missed. Thank you for making us laugh.
  Rest well, in peace.

RIP Jarod Lee Nandin

2021

 Aaaaaaand that's a wrap!
Another year gone by. But really, it's just another day. Nothing really changes... except for how we choose to see the world and our lives moving forward.
I've noticed that much of the closing to 2020 has been a slew of public revelations. So many people are reflecting on how 2020 has affected them internally, how it challenged them, and how it changed them. Many have been incredible, positive reads. Acknowledging flaws and recognizing that challenges don't have to default to failure- as is so widely believed- is I think the biggest positive to come out of 2020. Many reflect on how those challenges molded them. And that's dope. I dig introspection. Without challenges, who's to say that these realizations about ourselves would've been as profound, or even as liberating? 

I know hardships. Everyone does. I also know that hardships aren't absolute in defining who we become or how we view the world. The latter isn't something that comes naturally, but it is ultimately a choice. It takes overcoming a lot of shit to realize all that. And 2020 provided that foundation for a lot of people to grow into themselves and come out better grounded. I'm glad of it.

Honestly, if you go through life effortlessly, with little to no struggle, or ever having your values challenged, defensiveness and insecurity are natural reactions to superficial grievances and inconveniences. But the neat thing is that life has this really cool way of teaching lessons to keep us all in check- hard. If you're not there yet, don't worry. You will be.

New Years Eve here was, as usual, chill.
We made a little mini feast and celebrated the coming of the new year as gluttons

Chicken prepared yummy asparagus, Lifa brought out the chanko nabe and kbbq ribs, and I prepared rabbeokki. Which is literally just tteokbokki with ramyeon noodles. YUM. All of it.

Korean rice wine for sippies.

And spent the majority of the evening playing poker. We couldn't go out anywhere, so we made the stage for ourselves to enjoy. If you have the lights, the music, and the drinks... literally anything is enjoyable. Ambiance is   e v e r y t h i n g

Even if you live alone, or keep to yourself. I can't stress enough how important it is to spruce up your environment. Before moving in together with Chicken, I had my own room that I was adamant about converting into the most comfortable, night-owl friendly RGB room of endless chill. I would be in there by myself and just take in my surroundings. Then do whatever- game, indulge in youtube videos, watch shows, whatever.
Now that I live with more people, the stimulus is greater, but ambiance is just as impactful.

Point is: deck out your space to be your happy spot. Whatever that means. Natural light with tons of indoor plants, or blackout curtains in an RGB cave. Pillows, scented oil humidifiers, comfy, soft, attractive blankets and bed sets for your bed. And art or toys or whatever of things you love to decorate your space. It's amazing what that all can do. Especially during a time where going out is more dangerous than ... being a cave troll.
 
Anyway, yeah... I wanna get a nice poker set lol.

At midnight, my mom had us do this tradition of eating 12 grapes out of our champagne glasses. Each grape represents a wish for the new year. You make your wish, eat a grape. We did that this year too ^_^

As far as reflecting back on 2020... I have nothing. For... behold! I'm an introvert! With mild misanthropy, agoraphobia, and pretty much lived my whole life as hermit. That's not to say I never leave my house, but am especially selective about occasions prompting it.

womp womp.

But I understand that it's been a doozy for many others. And i just hope that this new year encourages strength and foresight to face new challenges head on, and as an opportunity to learn and grow- for everyone.

Especially indie game dev studios being threatened to be review bombed. Uh oh is she gonna bitch about some shit again- SHE SURE WILL.

HEY THERE, IT'S ME. LETS GO.

Alrightyyy. So this morning I woke up to a tweet from Top Hat Studios (indie game publisher) going OFF about one of my favorite indie titles; Sense: Cyberpunk Ghost Story 不祥的预感.
The game is going to be released on the Nintendo Switch, and people are mad again. I was like omg oh no what's happening. Turns out, Top Hat took a very adamant stance regarding the backlash that Suzaku game studio has been getting about their game.

basically saying fuck you to censorship

Yo.
I've been following Suzaku since before their game launched. When it finally came out, as much as people really enjoyed it, they also got backlash for the art. The artist specifically said he stylized it deliberately to be early 90s tigole biddies anime. He said straight up- that's what he liked, and that's the style he went for. And changing it wasn't an option- but thanks for the feedback anyway.
And a lot of people were cool with it and defended it/him.
And a lot of people weren't and were super vocal about it.

The only reason I can understand people getting mad about that kind of thing is because when I was younger and really insecure about myself, I'd feel uncomfortable about seeing things I felt were desirable in ways I could never achieve. THANKFULLY, impetuousness wore off around 26. Other than that, there's literally no reason to be that mad lol. ESRB is M/17+.
Can also buy NEKOPARA on the Switch.
Stay mad. Like, idk what else to say.

And now..to see a publisher stand up this hard for a game studio.... an indie game studio... That's huge. This is the SAME publisher that responded to GOG's tweet a few weeks back after they reversed their decision to release Devotion... TopHat responded saying they'd happily partner with Red Candle Games to publish Devotion, and offered free ports to consoles.

like.

Top Hat has .... big dad energy. GOod DAD ENERGY. "The game will not be censored. We categorically refuse." MMPF. HONEY IN MY EARS.
Well... eyes. I guess. Since I read it. But you know. yeah. YEAH.

Fuck yeah. God I just... i love that lol. It made me so happy.
And so.. this was something Suzaku shared on discord

Annnnd, even though I already have it on PC and played it many, many, many times...

Pre-ordered it on Switch.

Chicken has had to listen to me fawn over this game over long periods. He saw what was happening, as he has been following everything going on, and also purchased it both for PC and Nintendo Switch.

Fuckin a.

Not to mention, I bought this game for my niece. She's 17. She doesn't game, but went into it like a champ and loved it. I'm not sure how far she got, but she definitely got a good ways in and would gush to me about some parts that stood out. LOVE TO SEE IT.

I'm not here to say get the game, but like yeah, maybe get it. It's good lol.


And here I present to you dear reader, my first selfies of 2021:

Fuckin.... I woke up today thinking about Orpheus. Coupled with the fact that I haven't been out with my BFF to a club in a really long time. So I took inspiration from Orpheus, and here we are. He loves his wood nymph. Unfortunately, I've never met any wood nymphs, even less have one at my disposal. But I do have plants. My Thai basil is flowering, so like, yeah that should suffice. It's fine. I love grey make-up. It's like soft baby black teehee


Here I end it.
I hope this post finds you well dear reader
I want boba and red wine. I wish that for you, reader. treat yourself. You deserve it.
lmao
idk. I miss everyone. And hugs. And babying people. And screeching.
Alas! Lets go 2021
Don't look back uwu