Invited

 Probably gonna shoot myself in the foot... but for the longest time, I felt that trips goths make to cemeteries for photoshoots and picnics and shit were SO tacky.

Opinions incoming.

This is the part where I say that several years ago, I'd done 2 shoots at cemeteries. One was promotional for selling merchandise for a vendor, another was for an indie project that never made it to fruition.
STILL. The most cliche shit ever. Like, if I were buried somewhere, I wouldn't want some greasy assholes posing on my tombstone so they can post their terribad photo of my grave on social media. [Few will know where I'm buried, if I even decide on that.]
But then... one day in Pennsylvania, in an old abandoned mining town in a tiny, old abandoned cemetery, I walked down a lone, solitary path to admire the tombstones- most dating back to mid 1800s.
And then the scary thing happened, and I shit my pants, and after hurrying to the car, Chicken basically summarized a very simple but sensible belief that stayed with me - "You weren't invited.."

That shit turned my world upside down.

He's not religious, and while I don't subscribe to anything either, I like to think that I'm spiritual in some ways. But when even he said that, I was like... Oh damn. You're probably right. That makes sense.

Unless I'm visiting to pay respects or I guess working now, idling out of vanity- just doesn't sit right with me. If I am not family, or paying respects, or a caretaker, or someone who services those who have passed on, my ass doesn't need to be there uninvited.

And like, I GET IT. I know. Cemeteries are ethereal, and calm, and beautiful, and peaceful, and while morbid in nature, they hold a sense of serenity and tranquility. They are gorgeous resting places for the dead. I GET IT. Hi, have we met?

Which is why....
When a colleague invited me to join her in visiting her grandfather's resting place during lunch break, it felt different. What Chicken said to me was always in the back of my mind.

I asked for permission to document our moment there, and if it was alright to write about it here to share. She gladly consented. I've never gathered like this to eat among other peoples' loved ones. Ever. This was pleasant, as we had to go to another cemetery earlier in the day for work. Call me a weirdo but being there as an invited guest felt kind of intimate.

Also, she had this in her car and it was really cute omg.

Someone else invited me to come with them to visit a family member years ago. It was actually then that kinda solidified wanting to go into Mortuary Science studies when she told me that a relative of a friend had passed in a car accident, and her viewing was abysmal. Her heritage didn't read through the exaggerated cosmetics that had been applied to her. She said the eye make-up was grotesque, and her lipstick a bright pink color- "they made her look white", as she recalled the retelling of her Hispanic friend's experience with the final viewing of their loved one. That made me recoil. Disgusting. I felt kinda mad that people entrusted to care for these loved ones can be so careless and negligent. Still disgusts me. That's absolutely unacceptable...

But now, here I am.
Thank you for telling me your story, Judith. I never forgot it. And still feel sorry that their last moments with her were so indignant. She deserved better, as did the family.

*takes deep breath*

Uh. So. About things that are indignant...ish. Affronted's more like it.
.. I feel similarly regarding religious iconography on fashion. Someone once gave me the stinkeye for expressing that the trend with crosses and pentagrams and shit on dresses, bags, tights, shoes, etc. was distasteful. I have one rosary. It resembles the one my grandmother had- she was a Catholic. As are my parents. I don't wear it. I think I wore it out once several years ago. It felt weird. Now that I work with families of varying faiths, it just further reinforces that value because I'd feel like a complete asshole wearing Catholic crosses to stuff. I don't even wanna imagine a family who is actually of that faith to look to me and approach me with a preconception.... only to discover that I felt like wearing their faith as a fashion accessory and like, "OH HAHA. NO, IT JUST LOOKS COOL :)" ... that just... ugh. That's so... utterly disappointing.
So, yeah. I'm not gonna police people on shit- vanity can get dialed up to 11 and when it does, the ego gets crazy and ... I don't care enough. But I just wanted to get this off my chest.

OPINION: Religious iconography on shitty overpriced merchandise and photoshoots in the cemetery are all the way up, tacky. And I'm probably the only goth on the planet that feels this way. Which is fine.

Uh. So after my stupid breakdown last week, the realization sunk in that two dream jobs happened. One was working at Blizzard as a barista- something I never in a million years thought was possible. And now finding myself at my career destination... It doesn't feel like work. And it's beyond rewarding. The most amazing part of it is that it's not a skeezy corporation! (That's all I'll say on the matter :D)

They're just as excited as I am to present me with all sorts of learning experiences within every asset of the industry and the duties that come with Funeral work and.. I just. My heart. It's so happy.

Some of my long-worn accessories to my vanity and admittedly a part of my identity took a hit, but honestly... brushing my hair out... if it was gonna be for anything.. I'm glad it was to minimize myself in the wake of others' grief. It's humbling, and I'm happy to sit my ass down and blend in. It's not about me anymore. That feels good to say.

The only big transformation is the hair, but it feels like a lot more.

OH. ALSO, THIS IS MY STUPID SPIRITUAL SIDE BUT

TWO OF MY COLLEAGUES THAT I MOST WORK WITH ARE A LIBRA AND A CAPRICORN ^_^
Libras are so easy and personable to get along with. She likes my stupid puns.

And Capricorns I really like because when they get comfortable they can talk forever and just spew everything out, and this is fine because I'm a listener :D
And we all click. Everyone clicks. EVERYONE IS SO SWEET

AND NICE

AND AMAZING

And it feels good to talk about things I'm passionate about without feeling out of place lol. Like, earlier we had to transport stuff to Inglewood, and the whole drive there was just talking about life and ghosts and hauntings and afterlife, and traditions, and hobbies and and and just.. ruminating on death and the like. And it was such a positive thing. And. It's not every day that I can talk to people about death and connect positively. THEY GET IT. It just feels really good.

Ok, I'm rambling.

Chicken got me lunchables to take to work... because I asked ^_^
But they're not the pizza ones LOL. Costco apparently only does the packs of cheese and crackers. Which isn't surprising because their marinara sauce is the bland kind lololol

And... another wonderful thingie... Chicken kind of reaffirmed our marriage proposal by giving me his mother's ring the other night. It's a ring his grandma had, who gave it to his mother, and is now giving it to me. And. My heart. It's so happy. When all this pandemic shit is over, hopefully we can seal the deal sooner than later. I'm sorry, but I'm not getting married in front of a grody sports arena. No thank you. I'm going to look obnoxiously ethereal at my low-key Peruvian/Taiwanese/Gloomy wedding and that's not up for debate.

Once again, things feel like they're shifting back into good, comfy equilibrium. School stuff with the Mortuary Science program usually stresses me out, but lately it's been the last thing on my mind. Apparently it's trash LOL. That's all I'll say.

Keeping my journal has been so cathartic. A lot is going on this month. Annnd, my colleague who I worked with on my first day told me to keep one of the flowers from our transport as a memoir of .. my new beginning! So I did. It's very special.

Since my first day, all kinds of lessons have been thrown in... completely by chance. Can even consider soe of them as last minute challenges lol. I won't talk about my first service, but I think that's when disassociation and how my brain works started to turn some gears I hadn't ... turned before?
Talking to Chicken, Ponies, and some of my friends about it has helped compartmentalize emotions I haven't processed yet. I also joined a discord server with other funeral workers and... as soon as I thought my brain didn't work right, I told them. They helped a lot, too.

I'm prepared for those conversations that go nowhere with Chicken, or with my bff about my work days because sometimes there's literally nothing to be said. Or at least... I won't know what I would expect from them if I went to them with something that affected me in a very specific way. So that's what discord is for LOL. Or my colleagues. Problem is I wanna share my experiences with them, but I know not all them are the easiest to digest.

Speaking of not easy to digest... Meemurs is loosing a lot of teeth.

After the move, I set her outside to readjust to the climate and she's finally going into hibernation. A lot of her traps are going dormant. If I didn't know about that, I'd probably still be crying. In spite of that though, a lot of her traps are still vibrant and several are even growing in! I fed her 4 huge ants yesterday. She hasn't eaten in a while. I'm hoping her meals give her the nutrients she may be lacking.
And my petunias are adjusting gradually. More are blossoming, but something happened with a lot of the leaves that made them shed off. Baby leaves are growing in tho. They seem to like being outside.


ANYWAY

新年快乐!
Happy Lunar New Year!

We got lanterns to assemble and put up around the house! ^_^

Decorating I guess isn't a big thing, but my mom loves to decorate for holidays, and that rubbed off on me. Soooooooooooo WE GONNA DECORATE ALL PRETTY AND STUFF :D

Ahh, lanterns are so beautiful. I wanna keep them up forever LOL

These are so fun to set up! And once finished, can put mini RGB candles inside to light them up.

When I got home from work today, a huge meal was waiting. Best feeling. Even better feeling...

Chicken's mom gave me a red envelope. She says to keep this in my pocket for good luck tomorrow.
HAPPY SIGH.
My blazer has fake pokets. But I will keep it with me throughout the day.

I sleep. The weekend comes. While I like to think that it'll be a potato for most of it, I have homework to catch up on. But! There's food. And comfy blankets and a comfy bed, and my book, and Hades. And Genshin Impact. With that... farewell Reader!

Happy Lunar New Year!

Wear a mask
Respect the dead

Lengua tacos are dope

kbye lol

Sparkles

YAY.

This week started out so stupid. I cried. Normally, I get myself to cry from watching feel-good videos on YouTube, or playing really intense games, or watching movies I know will make me cry. It's cathartic to cry. But seldom do circumstances drive me to a point where I feel that everything is out of my hands and I've zero realistic options to exhaust to overcome a road block. But that was Monday.
I was in the mindset that up until that point, everything was working out so well... so balance needed restored. Emotions high and unstable, my mind raced at all of the possible outcomes and every other necessary course of action I could take to rectify my situation. Every. Possible. Outcome.
Am I gonna talk about what upset me? I'm not sure yet. But... in the midst of that, it dawned on me how Dr. Manhattan LITERALLY FATHOMS EVERY POSSIBLE OUTCOME EVER. And he's not going crazy. So. I can get through it.
Also my wonderful fiance turned into an emotional support Chicken and accompanied me on errands, just so that in my jeopardized state, I didn't put myself in danger while driving. He conversed with me, and helped me rationalize and compartmentalize my emotions. WHAT AN EARTH SIGH uwu
It was like... that scene in Sweeney Todd when he had judge Turpin in his chair ready to go, and then the kid busts into the door and ruins everything. And Mrs. Lovett is like "easy now, hush love hush, I keep telling you what's the rush?" and he's like "WAIT? YOU TOLD ME TO WAIT"

that. Kind of. So many analogies!

So basically I thought that school and work blew up in my face at the same time. Mostly school. Another year has gone by and things got complicated, but I spoke with a counselor and she was like "easy now, hush love hush, all good things come to those who caaan wwwaaaiiiIIIIT" and I'm like, hokay..

A few days following my breakdown, everything is wonderful again! And I can breathe. And everything is going well. After 4 trillion exhausting emails with my school, Jollibee, a new tablet, and a re-homed medical anatomical model, Cynth's mental state has once again stabilized.

What did I learn throughout?

• I shouldn't try to think of all of the possible outcomes for how to navigate a solution to one road block, because I am not Dr. Manhattan. I would go crazy. 
• It's important to stay in the now, and take things one step at a time. 
• Embrace "I did everything that I could" instead of "I should do more RIGHT NOW because p q r s t u v w x y z that hasn't even happened yet BUT IT MIGHT" - while sometimes that could be the case, it also can work against me.
• Jollibee is always worth the longer trip
  

 
I'm trying to multitask by writing this and watch BEASTARS simultaneously because my friend called me out on it. I normally wouldn't care this much, but she voices the wolf chick LOL soooo.
Off to a great start, I forgot to change from sub to dub.


Oh no. I'm never gonna get this blog post done. The art's cool...
damnit lol.

FOCUS. ALRIGHT.

Tomorrow is my first day of work. Excited is an understatement. There's much to learn, but am going into it completely as a blank canvas to paint my brain with all of the things.

[I hope there's a bat person in this omfg]

Can you believe this is only the 2nd time I've had Jollibee? The first time was years ago at Fanime, when my meal was rudely interrupted by an erratic phone call. Her verbal abuse and berating is more memorable than the meal. But this time... was heavenly. The best thing ever. But it kept being put off because things kept happening. I didn't get to eat until hours later. But I want more

This was Monday, after I broke down and cried for approximately 4 minutes. And was a stressed out wreck the remainder of the day. But I had to drive down to OC to pick up my anatomical model, and some stuff at our old place. The night before, I had a craving for Jollibee. On our way back up, I vowed to make sure that craving was satiated. Thanks to Chicken, the drive was less taxing. We were in the car for 2+ hours from making multiple stops. I'm so grateful to him.

A buddy I met from Blizz was selling his model. He used it as a reference for art- that's so cool lol. I saw it and immediately needed it for my anatomy studies. THANK YOU CHRIS
He thought his kid lost the magnetic weiner, but it has been found! Lo and behold! Gaze upon the medial cut weiner in all it's glory ^_^

And then... not only did Chicken treat me to the model, but he insisted on getting me a new tablet for my language class.

This has been so helpful with my assignments.
My last class we didn't practice writing at all. Just speaking, reading, and recognizing characters.

It's so haaard lol. I'm trying! But I really like using the tablet ^_^

Annnd unlike anything I've ever told myself I'd attempt, I'm already on my 4th book. I usually read 4 novels a year- outside of manga or graphic novels LOL. Too many video games. But I think I found authors and genres that I really enjoy.

His fam got so much yummy food. This last week started dumpy, but sprinkles of good are coming in abundance.

[BEASTARS so far is good. 5th episode now. I find myself resonating with Haru. A lot. Her voice is really nice to listen to.]

Annd since I start work soon, Chicken's mama got me these N95 masks. Ahhh, she's so ... I love her lol

His parents also taught me a little bit of Taiwanese and say little phrases to me sometimes in Mandarin, sometimes in Taiwanese. IT MAKES MY HEART SO HAPPY

Happy sprinkles. Everything is going to be okay. Because... because.
I am not Dr. Manhattan. And that's a good thing.

(having a framed photo of me in cosplay on his desk is such a #cosplaybf thing to do. We could be married and I think I'd still use that label lolol)

For shits and giggles, Chicken decided to roll for Ganyu a day before the banner changed. And he got her. Not only did her get Ganyu, but he wanted Xiangling, too. Guess who he got? 

Xiangling.
And when the banner changed, he got Diona.

It's fine, I'll wait for Hu Tao. And I'll roll for both her and Qiqi until I get them both, level them, and my life will be complete, and I can die happy. My funeral director waifu and my sweet jiangshi loli. Probably with Beidou and... idk. Idk yet. Yeah. SIGH. Their lore is so cute I NEED THEM.

Okay. Well. So far, BEASTARS is cool. Lauren said it's like Zootopia for adults.

This month is Lunar New Year. We got stuff to decorate with. Gonna look so cyoo. And BlizzcOnline! That's gonna be a treat- for so many reasons lol.

HAPPY SPARKLES

I gotta prep everything for tomorrow. Big excite.

This would've taken less time to finish if it weren't for watching BEASTARS. So distracting, haha.

ALRIGHT.
Happy Friday!
I go eat yummy stuff nao.
Please wear a mask
HOKAY BYE

Good

 DIOS MIO.

It's Friday already. Alright cool. Big breaths. A lot's happened. I need a list. Here we go.

• Moved
• Semester started
• Work interview
• Hair situation
  

Currently I have this open, my homework app open, and am organizing my stupid journal. I like feeling like there's a lot on my plate to cross off, but completely forgot how annoying moving is. But we're finally getting everything organized. It's embarrassing to see how much of our stuff is for our gaming stations. And/or work and school stations hehe. Ahhh okay.

So as mentioned before, we've moved out of Orange County and nested nice and cozy closer to LA. A lot of things factored into that decision, but we're here now. And my plants couldn't be happier.

split ends are so satisfying to split omg.

OK. SO... school has been a shit storm. Kind of. This semester I was supposed to start Mortuary stuff, but that got canceled becauuuuuse........................   COVID-19! Who knew!?? That bummed me out... like you don't even know lol. I blew $100 on Genshin Impact that same afternoon after getting the email just because I felt I deserved some kind of emotional band-aid. It was the one thing I most looked forward to. And... yeah. It's not gonna happen because... of other people. Feels great.
It's not completely wrecked tho. There's still the Fall semester but that's... end of the year. So, since I'm finished with all of my classes for eligibility, I'm gonna continue my language studies this semester. Resentfully, but y'know. With hope. And a positive attitude. YAY

SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED AND I CAN'T 100% DIVULGE FURTHUR BUT IT'S GOOD
I did a lot of research and searching and and and and got a few responses about work but but but it was like... the happiest thing ever because there was this one place and it's perfect and the people have beautiful souls and are so sweet and philanthropic and are just GOOD. And they recognized that I so very much want to contribute to that and be a part of that and AND AND AND


I had an interview. And it went so well. And one of the owners said he really liked me. And the other owner said my outfit was cute. And. in my pocket, I kept the talisman that Chicken got me that was blessed by monks for all the best fortune and luck with school and career ambitions. And and. I just.

I COULD MELT. I wanna just hug everyone. And throw love. Everywhere. Just. Warmth. Joy. Good. Positive energies. LKGHDLAKJGLDAKFJDLSJGAF;LDKJF.


Here are the last people I got to hug.

Our last night together in Orange County, with our German Shepard trapped in a human body (Lifa) and burger master, Homdray. Whose burgers were so good that Lifa's brother wished he could sew his butthole shut so that it may never leave him.

Cheers to happy new chapters, friends, and good stuff in the future.

Lifa turned into a mom and made us musubi for the road. It was a tiring process. We used 5 cars, all packed, and commuted between OC and SGV at least 500 times in one day.

 Homdray loves Bugs Bunny and has recently adopted saying

"Ain't I a stinkerrr? ^_^"

It's funny. He has a ton of mannerisms that are so easy to point out. He does this thing where sometimes, when he's walking, he does this thing with his arms like a T-Rex. When he dances, he kicks his heels up in front of him, his little T-Rex arms at attention. And then when he's really happy, he starts shouting LOL.
yes. He's a stinker.
And Lifa is our German Shepard in human form because you can read him so easily. You can tell when his ears are lowered back, or when his tail is wagging, or when it's tucked under his legs and he's worried or something. And when he gets excited over stuff, he starts exclaiming "yooooooooooooooooooo ohhooooooooo thas dope yoooooooo" he's like howling, and gets hyped. LOL when we used to do night walks, I'd go downstairs and go "wan go for a wAWK??" And he'd go "yoooho yeh maaaaan. when you wanna go??"

I don't think he realized why I'd ask him stuff in a certain way sometimes lol, which made it even funnier hahaha

Well, the next morning once we moved all of our things... it was.. a lot to process.
But I was in high spirits because that week was my interview.

Some of the stuff I'm wearing was gifted to me from his sister and mom LOL. They are so supportive of what I wanna do, and seeing them wanting to see me do well was so... merrrrr my heart. *squeak*

Lifa's musubi kept us energized the next morning

While rummaging through some of Chicken's old things, he found his old Animorphs books. Two of which I'm going to be reading very soon.

My plants are readjusting to being outside full time now. Some of them are fine, some are temperamental. It's been a miracle that Meemurs has stayed green all this time. Venus fly traps go into hybernation during the fall/winter months. I'd been doing everything in my power to keep that from happening, but she's been showing discoloration lately- a side effect of the colder temperatures. I'm sad, but I know she'll be back in full bloom during the warmer spring months.

Good news is that with all the space we have in the back, there's plenty of room to find permanent homes for some of my plants. The mint, thai basil, green onions, american basil, the black petunias, the ecchevaria afterglow and the purple heart can all be planted in the soil. Meemurs requires special soil mix, so she's gonna stay in her pot, but the others can finally grow roots.


After my interview, I made the decision to go through with a huge, long term external transition.

My hair.
Those are the pieces I cut off last summer, but got bored of my bob cut so I sewed them back in LOL

And then took them out again in preparation to brush out my hair.

Once brushed out, I looked like I had just made out with an electrical socket.

Each length of loc took a little over an hour to brush out. We binge-watched Sweet Home until almost 3 in the morning brushing a majority of them out. And took several more hours the following day to brush out the remaining 7. If it wasn't for Chicken's help, I can't imagine doing it all by myself. It would've taken days.

All of this hair came out with the brushing. If I didn't know any better, this would be alarming. But this actually the result of 14+ years of hair fallout. Normally people shed hair, and it disperses into the ether- or the drain, or the floor, or peoples' jackets, or something. All the hair I ever shed just went right back into my locs. Naturally.

The craziest part was seeing all of the split ends. I can't resist splitting them omg. This one was shaped like a spear. That middle one? Also split, the end just hadn't separated yet. So it was really 4 ends instead of 3. And I split it. I TOTALLY went crazy and split so many LOL. I know you're apparently not supposed to do that, because it's like, bad or something. But it's soooo satisfyinnnggg.
My future mother-in-law ended up trimming a bunch of my ends anyway, so there goes my fun. But it was fun while it lasted lol



Annnnd since it's been raining a ton, I went out and checked on the plants. HO BOY.

Meemurs and the Afterglow had to be relocated. I think Meemurs would've been okay, but just in case- I moved her out of the rain. Idk how the Afterglow is gonna fare, considering she's a succulent. I had to do an emergency repotting for her because that planter she's in doesn't have drainage holes and that soil was soupy with rain water. It might be okay, because it's rain water and not tap. But it hope it doesn't die :(

You can see the discoloration coming in on Meemurs. My poor baby is cold. I could bring her in, but we don't have the plant lights set up yet, and she needs natural light. She's gotten so big. Venus fly traps grow slow, but I remember when the entire plant was barely the size of a nickle. She'll be hitting her 1st anniversary with me in April :P

My petunias have taken to a very slow recovery since the fire storms hit Orange County last year. The winds were strong enough to knock over all of my plants and the majority of them went into shock. I was able to salvage my petunia and purple heart, but their growth has been stunted and weird.

These two blooms are actually offsets from the original plant. The original branch actually died off, and these two are now going strong.

My petunias' mascara got everywhere.

Anyway, after 2 days of treatment with coconut oil and conditioning hair masks... my hair finally feels normalish. I'm liking how light my head and neck feel. It's a literal weight off of my shoulders.

If you've never seen a bouquet of locked hair before... well, there you go.

With the good news and prospects, we've been having yummy lunches and dinners. It'd been too long since I'd indulged in chirashi bowls and dim sum. Chicken feet is so yummy!

We still have a long way to go with organizing and unpacking. I finally caught up on my homework assignments for the week. And finished my 3rd book. There are things I wanna mail out to people, but all my mailing stuff is packed away somewhere... in the void of moving boxes. Either way... I'm happy.

The most exciting thing now is starting work, and Lunar New Year coming up. I wanna go crazy and decorate our place with lanterns. It's the year of the Ox. Which can only mean.... OX TAIL SOUP FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY :D


I hope everyone's doing well. There's been so much support from friends and family about my endeavors and seemingly trivial hair transformation. All of it has been so comforting and heartwarming.
    One of the things I had the pleasure of discussing with some of the wonderful people at the Mortuary was how uncomfortable the roles they choose to pursue can make others feel. The slightest mention of the kind of work you do, and immediately people have this... almost like a defense mechanism.. they're like jolted or something.. and recoil. There's a pang of judgement. Aaaaand I get that. Twice over lol. It felt SO good to have that openness and conversation with not only professionals in that field, but also other human beings who want to genuinely help... other human beings- in that very specific kind of way.
And basically my point is... it's wonderful to be surrounded by people who have been aware of what I want to pursue and are genuinely happy ... and aren't weirded out. That's it. That's the point. I'm so grateful.
I love good people, man. It's the best feeling seeing that positive energy just come full tilt.
Because it's so easy to be cynical, and to judge, and harbor negativity. And even easier to doubt yourself and beat yourself up. So when Good People just come forth and just.... overwhelm with positive energy... that shit is MAGICAL. That can cure the worst demons. I love it. Gotta keep that light lit. Hype up your loved ones. Hype up your friends. Hype up your colleagues, that street performer you don't know, that barista who tried to connect just a little bit more that day to check in with you.

My heart is happy.
And my future in-laws wanna feed me again, but I'm not hungry. Oh, the humanity.
I don't like or drink soda... but this Taiwanese root beer is really good.

Anyway... that's all.
Be lovely to one another.
Wear a mask
Drink water
Have good, relaxing poop times

HAPPY FRIYAY