10 Years

So, this was written a few weeks ago. I honestly wasn't sure whether or not to publish it because it seems kinda repetitive with the "love yourself" stuff that's in currently, but maybe this could help someone? I wasn't sad or going through anything. Just an observation ^_^

   There's this meme thinger where people post a photo of themselves from 10 years ago to compare what they look like now. I did that. Nothing's changed for me. But then there's another where people talk about where they were at 10 years ago. This can regard anything. 

And I wanna take a moment to reflect and stress the lessons I've learned in those 10 years up to where I am now. 

This goes 11 years back, actually. 

At 20 years old, my motivation for moving out was the romantic long distance relationship I then had with an entertainer. Our relationship was kept alive through video games, the only medium where we could "be" together in. I moved across the country for my lover. But, I had no real plan set for myself, other than the idea of being close to him. For me, back then, that was enough to uproot my life across the country.

My life, I found out quickly, became revolved around him. Not because he insisted it, but because I had made him the center of it. Everything he was involved with was something that I held onto for myself, and while I wanted to be his cheerleader, it was really all that I had. Without him, I had nothing. And that's so fucking depressing. It's not a me that I'm proud of. 

Granted, through him, I met many many people who I've made incredible bonds with. To this very day, we still keep in touch. And those memories will forever be cherished. But, for almost 5 years, I followed him around like a puppy. Aimlessly. Without a direction of my own, or any real definition for myself.

This is the romance that I thought I wanted to have. To sacrifice my all in order to achieve a life with this person. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it was a disservice to myself and my dignity. But at the time, nothing else mattered. Juvenile mentality. If I could travel back in time, I would punch myself in the face.

Eventually, I exhausted myself trying to keep up with an idealized "Love" I thought was supposed to be all or nothing. It left me feeling neglected, sad, alone, bored, and ultimately just feeling really crappy about myself. And that lead me to breaking it off- which at the time felt like the hardest thing to do in the entire world. I had to sever my mental life line. My vein of shitty happiness, which wasn't even happiness, it was just shit. I'd resent him and be mad at him because I was bored and wanted validation from him constantly- I was so insecure! I demanded from him to include me in things- I wanted to be involved in his career. While he did include me in certain subtle ways, they weren't enough, and my self-esteem would plummet when he'd try to reason with me. I was so young.

How embarrassing. My early 20s were a mess. 

In hindsight, this is probably the period in my life where I learned most about what it means to Grow and mature as a person. There was still an infantile view of the world and how Love is "supposed" to function. It wasn't until he moved out and I had time to myself that I realized how much I had let his life overshadow my own. And it was my own fault. I was so in love with wanting to be in love, that I fucked myself over. By this time, I was 25, almost 26. 

In that time that I was single, it wasn't long before another relationship found me. He was 6 years younger than me, and really liked me. I was put off by the idea of dating, but eventually, ended up being together for almost 2 years. During that time, I found myself wanting more independence, because I saw some of my romantic old world habits in this younger lover. And I found myself, in small ways, becoming my ex.

by 27 I wanted to go back to school and do something; but for myself. I moved a few times, but remained within the same area. But when the commute to school became too much, I finally took the biggest leap for myself and moved to Orange County. I transferred through my work, and attended school until math kicked my ass, and discouraged me enough to withdraw from the class and never return. During this time, the people I encountered taught me what it meant to be a trophy, but also taught me to be devious. With this, my confidence grew. I went after what I wanted, and while things may have gone differently than I intended, at least I would have results.

by 29 I mutated into this adorable, callous, executioner type that just wrecked everything in my way. I held onto the friends I trusted, anyone else no longer existed. I became focused on my work, my life, my family, and GAMES

the spring of my 30th year, I started the most incredible journey. From there, everything has been nothing short of a blessing.

What I learned in the last 10 years - Put yourself FIRST.

We muse and romanticize what love is or what it's supposed to be and become so obsessed with it that it ruins us. These ideas of what relationships are supposed to be vs the partnerships that enrich your life are crazy different.

It's so important to find yourself, and learn to love yourself. It doesn't make sense, and it sucks because it's been said to me a million times in my 20s- by that ex, but I didn't understand. Not until I felt comfortable on my own. Being able to support myself and being on my own, alone, and realizing that life goes on because it's mine and I dictate how things will be.... was a realization that changed everything. Depending on others for happiness is a mentality that can turn extremely toxic if we're not strong enough to hold our own. And I wish I knew it earlier on. But I know it now.

While I am in an amazing relationship now, I wish that being single wasn't so looked down upon. Because it's okay to be solo. They're the most sobering and liberating times in our lives. We are in control and answer to no one.

And when that dope person comes along, and you're both at that point, you become partners. A team. And when you both bring your awesome lives together, it creates this awesome new thing that is like, a mod you add to your game.

Like, your life is this game you love. And it's fine, and you play it and do stuff and get quests done and whatever. Gear up, level up. Right? And then you get a mod for whatever. It doesn't take away from anything you've achieved, it just enhances something you're fond of.

That's goals. That's a dope ass relationship.

If you can relate to the stuff I was writing about from my early 20's, right now .....

THIS AIN'T IT, CHIEF.

Boom

   Anyone remember watching Pure Pwnage? Was probably one of the first web series that I can remember being especially fond of. It was the gamers' facetious bible. The references to the rivalries  between FPS/RTS gamers and the stigma of MMO players amongst "hardcore" players.. it was hilarious. 

I bring this up becauuuussse recently, my housemate and I honored her gift of a groupon that would grant us a fond afternoon of shooting guns :D. 

I've never shot a gun in my life. My shooting experience only came from bow and arrows. A gift from the high school boyfriend, because I schooled him at the renaissance faire. My housemate handled a rifle before, a looooooooooooong time ago. We were extremely nervous. 

My first thought was how out of place we would look. As excited as I was to shoot stuff, I also don't like calling attention to myself. Thankfully, the place was crowded with several other noobs who decided to try something new this year. Crisis averted. 

We were told "an hour and a half" before signing the papers that bound us to agreement of forfeiting them from responsibility over any mistakes we may fall victim to. Such a nice feeling. And then I think we waited about 20 minutes before they called us back. The dude handed us safety glasses, protective ear muff things, our little glock, and a ton of bullets. He quickly went over how to safely handle the gun, loading it, emptying it, etc. Everything you do in Resident Evil games, basically. (that's a lie) and off we went. To our little booth. Booth number 11. 

She went first for 2 reasons;

1. I wanted to watch her load the gun. Someone can explain directions to me forever, but I learn best from watching and doing. 

2. Look at this picture. Isn't it kinda neat?

 (3, maybe. I turned into chicken shit after seeing a poster of the anatomy of a glock)

 Context time! 

A few years ago, my old work was robbed by a dude with locked hair, in a security guard uniform. Dude held a gun to my and my coworkers faces. he cocked the gun to let us know it was real, 3 feet away from us. When he told us to get on the ground, as he was walking over us, he would apologize. So at least he was polite THANK GOODNESS

He and his brother were caught. I testified in court. The judge watched me fall apart, hearing my plea, among many others' recalling of their damaged psyche, and they pleaded guilty, aaaand were sentenced, the driver 13 years in jail, and the brother who was armed, 25. So that was super neato.

a coworker teases me when I bring it up. dismissing it "yeah yeah you were robbed we get it" jokingly. I know she doesn't mean it maliciously, but it only makes me realize how much that experience actually affected me .

so like, glocks feel weird to be around lol. I respect weapons so much. and yeah, she had to go first lol. 

Unfortunately, her nerves got the best of her. I don't blame her. We were surrounded by extremely loud gunshots on either sides, cases are flying everywhere, and the recoil is intimidating. She went out to get one of the dudes to assist her, and ... I was extremely impressed with how patient he was and open to teaching her. He turned into a teacher. It was beautiful. Wasn't condescending or demeaning, he wasn't annoyed or frustrated. It was really cool to watch him. Can tell he is passionate. So once she went through all her rounds, it was my turn! 

The dude asked if I felt like having him stick around, I said I think I'm good, and bit the bullet :P

Recalling what the dude at the counter showed us, I loaded the magazine with as many bullets as I could shove in there, and aimed, and my hands started shaking looooooollllll 

There's a surge of power that just... flashes through you. And it's scary. Overwhelmingly scary. Like, it was way too much for me to have in my hands. Or maybe I just respect guns so much that I'm humbled so far into oblivion that I don't feel worthy of holding one!? No idea. But my hands were shaking. Then, I started to look through the little aim thingy, and thought about stuff to calm my nerves.

I thought about the brothers who traumatized me

the men who broke my mothers' spirit

the man from when I was 9

and Kelvin Truong.

FPS Doug is my guardian angel

It wasn't euphoria as much as it was a surge of satisfaction. Cathartic, even. Seeing the bullets go through the targets head one after another was a shallow relief I didn't even really know I needed. But it was awesome. It wasn't meant to be personal. Just something fun to do with my housemate. 

Ultimately, not only was I proud of how utterly fucked up this target's head was, but also because it helped me. I have demons I thought I could let go of, but some things stick and fuck with you for a while. 

And I'm not really sure when I'll ever get over any of it. Or if I ever will. But this was a fun way of kinda releasing some of that resentment.

As therapeutic as this was, I don't think I could ever find myself owning a weapon of that caliber. I have a taser in my car, and a switchblade. But guns are beyond me, and I respect them too much to just get one on a whim. I have this newfound admiration for those who can handle guns with grace and dignity. They are scary to hold, and even more daunting to hold up at something. I can't imagine having to feel like you need to hold that AT someone and make a decision in a split second whether or not to use it. That's terrifying. 

Anyway, I'm rambling. 

That was fun.

I respect the absolute shit out of guns.

Boom, head shot.

Also, we got way too much sushi, idk why I order rolls ever. I only really like sashimi. 

 

If zombies ever happen (unlikely given various environmental factors), I can shoot goodish. We can team up if you buy me donuts and sushi ^_^

#NewYearNewMe

  Why do we wait until the year has passed by to try something new or in many cases, try again? In my case, not much has changed. Except for maybe the amount of booze on the kitchen counter. And new titles to play through. I'm still bitter about a book that was supposed to be suspenseful cyberpunk-y but ended up being evangelist drivel under the guise of tech-y, mystery horror. Maybe in 2019, I'll get over it?!

Over work break into the new year, there was some mild gluttony. 

 Or as some would say, living our best lives.

 There was no shortage of noodles or rice going into the new year. Not in this tummy.

We also went to Frank & Sons. It's this collectibles show thingy. Basically if you take.... hmm.. if you take Long Beach Comic Con, and strip it of food trucks and cosplayers, you get Frank & Sons. Can find tons of vintage toys, comics, consoles and parts, all sorts of that shit. Been around since the 80's. It's cool.

I had a specific mission though. There's a variant I've been wanting forEVER. A Puppet Master variant. But was hard to come by everywhere I'd go looking for it. I could just order it online, but it's really fun actually scavenging for it. Especially because usually I get answers from dudes saying "I left my puppet masters at home" or "nah I think I have 1 or 2" of issues I already have, or just... not even ever having it.

Comic vendors; YOU HAVE NICHE AUDIENCES. WE'RE SPORADIC BUT WE'RE OUT THERE AND WE NEED YOU TO BELIEVE IN US

So after looking for a while, this one dude said he had another booth on the other side of the hall that he only opens on Saturdays, but he might have it there. This dude was so awesome that he got his buddy to cover for him quick while he walked us over there to check.

He had plenty of horror comics. The most I've seen all at once of various sects.

I had no clue there were Chucky comics... 

 But he had NO Puppet Master! Said he must've left them at his place- not a lot were printed, and they didn't sell much; a song that still haunts my dreams.

We moved on, discouraged. but determined. I wasn't gonna give up, because the variant I wanted was at Frank & Sons. I saw it there the last time I visited. I didn't wanna drop the $$ for it at the time, but I was biting myself in the ass for not doing so when the chance was there. Eventually..

I fucking got it.

After tons of hours scavenging for her, I finally fucking found her. Again, I know it could've easily been acquired had I just ordered it off eBay or something. But one of the most awesome things about comics is the scavenging! Especially if they're old and hard to come by. And when you finally find it and hold it in your hands, it's the most rewarding feeling. A thousand loot boxes could never amount to that feeling. 
She was the last one left. At a booth we had already visited, but skimmed. The second time around, I asked the one chick if she had any puppet master issues, expecting a hard no considering the massive amounts of marvel on display, but instead she said she was pretty sure she had some. She then turned to the other chick tending the booth with her, asked, and 2nd chick said oh yeah! I have a ton of Puppet Master, they're just buried at the bottom. She had to move 4 other boxes that were on top of the one that held my precious variant, and she pulls it out, and flips through the issues, showing me the generous variety. I    s q u e a k e d. Most of them were line art cover variants of Tunneler, Jester, and Leech Woman. Some back issues I already had, and then the one I was looking for came showed itself and I assaulted that woman with my money.

Hellraiser issues, while still uncommon, are a little easier to come by.

I've been embracing my inner potato, and donuts.

New Years was spent at home, drinking whiskey and champagne, and gaming. 

 I like when he looks serious and unapproachable. It's like a challenge to break him. 

he brought us here again on a spontaneous date. I like the turkey burger, because it's incredibly flavorful and a tiny bit spicy, doesn't taste like the average American burger whatsoever.

The last 2 weeks since work has resumed have been like a sleepy haze, but I'm glad to be back. This coming week is going to test me in many ways. I welcome it fully.

That aside, I'm glad I gave Fallout 76 a chance. Someone told me they thought it was cool of me to be open- minded about a title that everyone is bashing currently. I don't really get why being open-minded about something I haven't tried yet makes me cool.It's not that deep I realize, but has become so commonplace to join in on witch hunts that simply being above toxicity is no longer the standard; that someone who DOESN'T bash something they haven't played, seems cool? Like, what? No. That's so backwards. Makes one look like a sloppy pedant.

Anyway, give things a chance before talking shit, or you look dumb.
That's my wisdom for 2019; apply and rub onto skin thoroughly. let dry overnight. If results don't occur within a day, reapply until you can support yourself monetarily before dumping on anything anyone else has ever created.

Merry December

   Bad Santa is the best Christmas movie. Don't get me wrong. Alan Rickman is, undeniably, one of the most unparalelled husbandos in cinema history. RIP, but his is one we shall never forget. However, an alcoholic resentfully portraying Santa and accidentally becoming fond of a paternally, emotionally dead fat kid is pretty beautiful. With that, I hope everyone is feeling calm, safe, and somewhere they feel sheltered. 

 MERRY CHRISTMAS :D

This Christmas eve, we felt a little more festive and decided to watch Hentai Kamen. 

There are no words.

That's what my december boiled up to. Hentai Kamen on Christmas eve, enjoying a white russian.

The rest of december though, 
well, we had a Diablo II LAN earlier this month.

 

It's a hope for me that we get to do more LAN parties moving forward. The first one we put together was when we were in Hawaii. We played Warcraft III into the early hours of the night, and Don't Starve Together. 

mAyBE iN 2019 wE cAn Do tHinGs 

(because numbers somehow rob us of free will?)

Also, the boy surprised me one night by taking us to go eat the bombest sushi.

Toshi my dude, has the hands of a magician. An artist. Everything he served us was exquisite.

I had toro for the first time and it blunted me emotionally. Like, I couldn't process the sheer euphoria from each bite. My wee self reached critical mass and probably made the ugliest face ever trying to resist from shutting down.

it was good.

Everything was amazing. Like, 

N A N I

::hearts::

And then..

One thing that I never thought I'd see or be remotely close to is watching Papa Morheim be sent off to live happily ever after. That was an emotional lunch break lol. I cried pretty much every time someone came up to talk, aaaaaaand the tears... they just kept coming. Non-stop. Thankfully, boyfriend was next to me with plenty of fabric on his shirt to lend for tear-wiping.

They weren't sad tears though. I'm extremely happy for Papa Morheim. He deserves the best. We all want that for him. It's just crazy to me that I was there during his send off. Never in my wildest dreams....

Annnnnnnnnndddd....
..So there was a thing we were invited to and there were sharks

And melon milk boba tea

These murlocs were a gem. The purple one's a little weird though. Suspicious.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

then Jacob imprinted on us

lol ew

LEFT SHARK HUGS

look at this FEROCIOUS PANTHER

i wanna be a vampire

there was a frog in my taro milk tea, but I was so happy to make a new friend

Gah, so much fun. Probably not as wild as arcade games and mac n cheese but, you know. Everyone settles.

Also my coworker recently had a birthday. She wanted to celebrate by making a bunch of gingerbread houses.

These things smelled amazing. And they were pretty fun to assemble! Kinda like model kits, but... food. Can't hate that.

And one of the coolest things this month, was when a few peeps came to me to give me this little present. Game Informer magazine and I go way back. I used to have to sell them after Gamestop took over my job at EB Games- sorry I meant merged with- and I read through many of these issues.

It was like an omen lmao. Just kidding, but still... holding this felt extremely cool. Not just because of my past, but because it was a personal gift from the team who is restoring one of my favorite titles of all time. And they just walked over lol. That shit still floors me. Best sweet babies. If this ever gets back to you guys, Thank you Nick and Ryan. Because I fucking love WC3.

The last day before going on break, I wore my most festive attire.
Red lipstick to match the red logo on my shirt. Like Santa

Man, I envy people who can pull off red lipstick on the daily. That shit ages me into forever. I don't even have smile lines, like that'd just be a train wreck. But for that day, the occasion called for it.

Break has been extremely lax. No traveling, or crazy last minute shopping.

I did have a craving for ramen on Sunday. And since we were staying somewhere else, I dragged our asses out to Pasadena. The home of my all-time favorite ramen joint; Ramen Tatsunoya

RAMEN RANT OF PASSION: 

I've raved about it enough in previous entries, but.. I know someone who works there, and she mentioned to me once that the chefs take business trips to Japan to learn from tonkotsu ramen masters. I'd been going there before she told me this, but it probably explains why I like it so much.

It's stupid, but I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to tonkotsu ramen. Flavor is monumental. Texture. Thickness. Everything needs to come together, balanced, and ready to fuck you up. That soft boiled egg up there? That's the standard to live up to. Not that cold hard boiled egg shit they hand you for an extra 1.50 that tastes like chalk. That's a fucking insult. Throw that shit across the room

no don't, don't waste food

BUT, don't settle for gross chalky refridgerated hard boiled eggs ok? You deserve better.

Anyway, this place has the creamiest, richest, thickest, fattiest, melt-in-your mouth chashu tonkotsu bowls ever. I know this, because I've been to several tonkotsu places, and while Daikokuya is alright- i'm not even gonna diss them because they're alright- they still don't hold a candle to Tatsunoya. 

I'm wrapping this up because my boyfriend just put on Hackers (another great holiday movie) but... if you wanna get fucked up in SoCal, Tatsunoya will take care of you. 

Also, get extra noodles. Worth.

 Note: refrain from using electrical tape and pvc tape to wrap gifts. people will suffer attempting to open them.

I'm gonna enjoy the yummy danbing boyfriend prepared for me while watching Hackers.

Merry Christmas!