Plant surgery :(

HAPPY FRIYAY! Moving game install files is just... the funnest. Funnester than fun. Fist full of fun right up merriment's whole jolly whipped ass.

It's my own fault for being a brat with craptacular storage management T_T

ANYWHO. Week has been exciting.

• Space cowboys came back from their mission in the Dragon Endeavor. 

Um, listening to the announcer from Space X was mind numbing though lol. Like, getting more comfortable with mandarin made me overthink how much filler there is in the English language. Space X announcer spoke like a teenager, reiterating with grueling redundancy. Chicken suggested that perhaps her useless contribution to the NASA announcer could benefit those who have blindness or a degree of blindness. Who are kids.
The other announcer not only was well spoken, but concise. They're both doing the same job but one is LEAGUES more polished than the other.

Why am I like this

The name of the camera on the main recovery ship was Chicken's favorite part.

"Best camera. 2B and 9S probably got lost somewhere" 

• Mmmmmm new computer parts!

It's been a looooooooooooooooong time since I've upgraded. It's bad. Like, I'm minimalist, so if it works, I'm happy. If it runs and I can play it, I'm good. Chicken on the other hand has unforgiving tastes in luxury and performance. He's been nudging me about upgrading for a while. So here we are. This is the first of it. Cute, not crazy but cute. I'm happy.

Went to pick this up in person since there a deal when you buy a cpu/mobo combo.

 

You know that feeling when you go to pick up your reserved order at Microcenter, and the sales dude walks towards you to help you, but turns and addresses your boyfriend and doesn't acknowledge you? 

 WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK. BECAUSE I DO.

He walks towards  us, looks at Chicken and asks him what he was picking up. I hate using my stern big girl voice. I hate it so much. 

I answered him in my stern big girl voice. His face was instantly like oh my bad, but it still put me in that stern big girl voice head space until we left with my stuff.

Like yeah, dude concentration is higher than chick concentration within that hobby, but like, at least make an attempt to be like, "hey there, are we picking up a reservation?" Instead of going straight to the guy and only speaking to him, pretending I'm not there. Not only is that condescending to me as a chick, but also impolite as a general rule.

He was young, whatever. It was just one of those eye roll moments. I know he meant nothing by it, it was totally a status quo thing that people don't think about- which... lol the point. But yeah. And it's my choice to get butthurt about that, but what isn't within my control is how not enough chicks are into rigs, therefore... like, yeah the stereotype is there, but be mindful. Which sucks because he probably sees a trillion girlfriends or wives trotting behind their dudes like puppies in there every single day, and it just so happened that in this case it was a little reversed. It happens. It's fine. I'm just.

I'm rambling.

Social interactions hurt my brain.

The rest of my stuff is coming in the mail later.

CHICKEN CLEANED AND WAXED MY CAR. SHE'S SOOOO SLICK AND SHINYYYY

Those gloves. mmpf.
Annnnd and and and she matches my vinyl pants ^__^

"This is what I signed up for" he says, defeated by her enthusiasm.

 He got a whole bunch of car stuff recently. Gonna do take in all the learns. So I can scream the tokyo drift song as we tandem dorifto together down a mountain.
            
                               Welcome to the broken low
                                                     Welcome to the famous disco night


For now, my goofy self is playing with modding little things.
A little while back, I got this kit in the mail courtesy of my bff. I think it was on my amazon wishlist lol. He thought it was a controller. Best oops.

Anime tiddies (I washed this desk mat already. I know, she was all kinds of yuck. She's cute now.)

Um, this took me like 4 hours.
 But taking shit apart is so satisfying

Will I break it? WHO KNOWS.

UGH. After losing a piece, that was never lost to begin with, and all the meticulous bullshit, the end result was so worth it.

It pulses, strobes, changes colors, all of the above. It looks sick.
Only downside; no usb charge. Battery only. Still, neat little mod if you wanna rock this obnoxious level of vanity for your set up.

Now I can play Nioh even more obnoxiously.
Which, I'm really enjoying this time around, btw.

I started playing Nioh like 2 years ago on Chicken's PS4, but hated the controls. So a while back I got it on PC. Sigh. The port has the dumbest, most irritating gpu bug, but once adjusted, it runs fine.
Chicken's been playing Ghost of Tsushima. I thought it would appeal to me more. But uh. It doesn't anymore. Idk what it is, but just... totally lost interest the more I watched.
I fought one of the bosses he was stuck at; the input lag was, for lack of a better word, gross. Or maybe I'm spoiled. But man... there were a bunch of things I felt in the combat that weren't as polished as... I'm used to. Pass.

next gen controllers..
 I have small hands with long fingers. The xbox controller is more comfortable for me. Besides that, I couldn't care less about next gen anything. PC ports often suck, but we got do what we gotta do.

The other title I'm looking at is Ghostwire: Tokyo. It looks like a William Gibson version of BioShock, from the gameplay I've seen. Which ... is sexy. So.

And Nioh 2 comes out on PC soon. I wannit.

gjlhgdjfl;adjfljfoeijakl;dfjlskjds...

His sister brought us Taiwanese tamales :3
 There's a woman that makes them at home and sells them. My mom does the same thing with Peruvian tamales T___T so cyoo.

THEY'RE SO YUMMY

I miss my mom's tamales. Waaah.

Blueberry pancakes yield fun special effects!

Ah, my babies. My poor, dried up succulent babies. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.

The echeveria afterglow (Ms. Glow, left) seems to be doing okay. I removed some of the dried and dying leaves at the bottom of her stem. That has helped a little.

But the haworthia venosa (Baby Sarlacc) has dried up quite a bit and his leaves have deflated, turning a sad brown color.

Baby sarlaccs are prone to root rot, so overwatering is a real concern.
BUT, I'm learning. Maybe I shouldn't have left them out in the sun right after repotting them lmao?
It's cool though. Chicken got this shade tarp thing specifically for plants, and yesterday was my succulents watering day, and I gave them pleeeeenty of water. Today they're much plumper.
So I was basically underwatering them. Which I guess in the grand scheme of things is the better fuck up between over or underwatering.

On the flip side, my once neglected tradescantia pallida (Purple Heart) is flourishing. I sing to her after I'm done talking to my succulents. She knows she's gonna be cute when she gets older.

Mask on b/c we were on our way out

 Succulent babies are now under filtered sunlight, which seems to have made them much happier.

I get it. I hate bright sunshine on me, I'd die too. It's okay babies. Sorry I almost killed you :(
Succulent food should be getting here soon so they have yummy water instead of just water. I WON'T LET THEM DIE. I REFUSE.

 She likes the sun. Her purple is coming in so beautifully. It's a good thing she's in a bigger pot now, so that she may grow big and strong.

 As for my herbs...
the only one that sprouted so far was the basil. One tiny little baby plant. The others... not so much. Or rather not at all. I probably killed them. Idk. The coriander seeds have split finally. We'll see if anything grows from them.

ARE YOU SO JEALOUS

OF THIS FRUMP CHIC AESTHETIC 

 

SO, UPDATE:

 earlier, I went outside to check up on the babies. Chicken was out there making them a little house T_T

It's so cute, I wanna see it in full sunlight and see how the plants take the sun under the shade it provides.

 so....
upon my investigation, I noticed that baby Sarlacc's soil was still really, really damp. And I watered it yesterday. And even though some of the leaves had plumped, it didn't look happy. I quickly looked up what to do if I suspected rootrot...
There were a lot of people saying to uproot it, discard the old soil, get rid of all the squishy dark roots (rotted), and let it dry out for a few days before repotting it. If the rootrot reached the stem, it'd probably be too late. But the leaves that were healthy could still be propagated.

Um. There was a lot of rootrot- some that went into the bottom leaves. The rocks I had placed at the bottom of the pot were blocking the drainage holes, instead of arching over the holes like I had intended them to do. What a stupid mistake. This poor plant. The roots were soft and mushy, a lot of them dead that just fell right off. The 3 offsets that were growing just broke right off, their outer bottom leaves almost all black.
 So.. all I am left with are the last healthy bits of leaves and some stem. From what I understand, succulents can regrow stems like nothing, and reset.
But... I'm really really sad. I'm trying everything to salvage what's left and regrow it after making sure to get all the black gunk off. They're sitting on new, fresh, dry succulent soil to air out, and hopefully the pups can callous and root. If not, I'll cry. I don't know if the mother plant will survive. I really really really really fucking hope it does. I don't think the rootrot go into the stem.... but I guess we'll find out. The roots were fucked though.

I ordered a mister that I wasn't sure I was gonna use anytime soon but... HERE WE ARE.

PLANTS ARE HARD. I feel awful. My poor baby.


YEAH. That's the start of my plant journey loools. Chicken's little baby house will help a lot I think.
Now it's just a waiting game.
Wait for the rest of my computer parts to arrive,
plant stuff
other stuff Chicken got for us ^_^
Aaaand we have a date this weekend! We're gonna go out somewhere... but.. it's different. :3


How did my hair get so long already? Didn't I just cut it?
 Yes! I did.
Also. I always keep the length I cut off, in case I wanna give myself my length again lol. I guess it's like.. hair extensions. Except it's literally just reattaching my own hair back into my hair? lol?
Kinda regretting it because its weight immediately reminded me of why I cut them to begin with, but... I feel like myself again. RIP my whole skull I guess.

HOKAY FAREWELL
WISH ME LUCK ON NOT KILLING MY PLANT BABIES.

Update your drivers
Wear a mask
 :D

Domestic

   Domesticated gremlin reporting to you live-ish from my new abode, still in California. This gremlin has nested comfortably at her desk. And you know, maybe, if anyone reading this has work meetings with Chicken and happens to see a spicy vampire-skin Symmetra poster behind him... you're welcome.

I'm gonna miss my bratty room. But, Chicken is being extremely generous towards my liberal decorating preferences. Generous as in, "whatever you want" ^_^ hee

Was really weird seeing everything out of there, though. I have a lot of random shit that took forever to pack. Mostly decorative.

He's being so sweet, especially about the bats.

He even surprised me with these gardening kits!! I'm not great at plant care lol. Like.. last year, or something, my old housemate and I went out and got plants, succulents, because she loooooooooooves plants. And I wanted to have a go at it. To this day.... um.. it's alive, but barely. Because she watered it, while I completely forgot about it lmao. But... now.. I'm gonna take some responsibility and be a plant mom. They're quiet, they don't wake me up at 6 to pee, they're not needy, they produce things I can cook with or just can make my area look cool.... so yeah.

Dis was insiiiide. Pretty noob friendly. Hopefully I don't manage to kill them somehow.

Once everything was unpacked and put away, it was nice to get up the next morning and just... idk. Here we are. With Taco Bell diablo sauce. All we need, really.

And the next day, he'd set out my cup for me, and we'd have coffee together in the morning. And then get Tasty Garden later. And Indian food the next day.

Woulda been nice if we could get Seoul Street. But leasing management changed their mind mid pandemic and decided that Korean food wasn't what they wanted anymore. They suddenly felt an American deli would just do better, for the 3rd time. Despite how much business Seoul Street got and how much everyone loved them.

https://gf.me/u/yguicp

By the by, if you're in the position or mood to donate and help Seoul Street... well. They're struggling because of the sudden uprooting. Usually, they'd be able to bounce back with night markets and events. But um... womp womp...

They're trying to work with a new location, but need help along the way. I donated too. I just wanna see them succeed. They've worked so hard to get the shop started, it shattered me to learn some dipshit can just take that all away like nothing. Anyway, all the info's right here:

https://gf.me/u/yguicp

Seoul Street GoFundMe

Regards to Tiffany Pollard. My sentiments, exactly.

So... since Chicken surprised me with plant stuff, I decided that it's time I take this planting stuff seriously and like... try to not suck at it.

So we went to the garden center

There wasn't really anything in particular I wanted, except for another pot to replant my purple heart, and the soil. I had ordered soil online, but came across two succulents that were super cute, and the soil I ordered wasn't enough for several re-pots. So I got more. And we left with two succulent babies.

Repotting scared me, I didn't wanna do any harm to them. I know that they can like... go into shock or whatever? But when other people did it, it looked easy enough. The round pot I got off amazon.

The little buddy on the right in that tiny jar is a venus fly trap! I got one for myself and my old roommate so we could have matching babies. It'll be several months before I can transplant it into a larger pot, but for now it's happy in its little sterile bottle.

And lastly,

I ordered these pretty rocks that helps the soil retain moisture, but also appeals to my stupid vanity.

So, the left is my Purple Heart, middle is the ecchemhakeflkjaelkfjalekfj Afterglow, and my adorable baby sarlacc plant :3

Here's hoping I don't kill them. I mean... they're more attractive now, so innately... I'm inclined to go out and check on them every day now.

Not gonna lie, I wanna get more plants. Goal is to get a banyan bonsai.

Spiders are so cute

We were supposed to be at EVO this weekend lmao. rip

Instead, Chicken tightened my locks yesterday. That still blows me away. He knew nothing about hair, let alone loc'd hair. And now he's the one who will be keeping them tight and sleek. GAWRSH ^__^

um um um..

I wanna cosplay, but like... there is one that I wanna build. It's stupid. But I really really really love this character....s...? And like... since I've been growing my nails out super long, it'd work PERFECTLY for this. We were watching large builds earlier today, how to establish the inner framework to assemble stuff on. It made me really miss going to cons and seeing all the cool cosplay people put together.

No one recognized my Doujun cosplay except for one dude who was vending at a booth.

It's cool, because when I'm not in cosplay, folks ask who I'm cosplaying as, so it balances out lol.

Also I genuinely love the characters I cosplay, which makes it fun for me. SO YEAH.

I WANNA BUILD THIS NEXT ONE but it's gonna be hard. And the dumbest part is you won't even see me. BUT IT'S FINE. IT'S BEAUTIFUL. I just don't know where it'll get stored lol.

Getting ahead of myself. Anyway yeah. But if I were to like, get something quick to cosplay that was kinda whatever, I'd probably buy stuff for Mieruko-chan. And. No one would know who she was. And. HERE WE ARE AGAIN :D

LOOK AT THIS ART THO,

Uggh sogood. Best slice of life manga ever.

OH.

New game out. I wannit. But it's :(

it appears as though it wasn't finished before launching, and the reviews aren't forgiving of that.

HELLPOINT.

It's a soulslike, except sci-fi.

I don't care about the sci-fi part as much as the artstyle that drew me in. And the fact that it's a soulslike game but IT'S NOT MEDIEVAL WITH MONSTERS. FOR FUKS SAKE. STAHHHP.

Lovecraft, too. STAHP.

Norse shit, STAHHHHHP.

STAHP IT. I can't. take. the repetition anymore. I can't. hunnnnnnnnnngggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.

But then Chicken showed this to me, then I was all like HO LAWD, A DIFFERENT THING

Except, it's a reskin basically, and crazy broken right now. The latter of which is most disappointing. But I'll wait for patches. I'm hoping... for patches... Please let there be patches.

Btw... I suck at crane games....

but I won 2 stuffies in Yakuza Kiwami 2

^_^

lol idk. it made me happy haha

This makes me happy too :D

I feel so domesticated.

I can't wait to go get groceries. imma make him a shit ton of tallarin verde. And I'm gonna get 50s vintage dresses and wear them but only while I cook or go to car meets.

I wonder if you know... how they live in Tokyo. If you seen it, then you mean it, then you know you have to go

Fastandfurioooouuuuuuusssss

drift. drift.

ANYWAYZ. I hope everyone's doing well. I've had an especially rough couple of weeks, mentally. Did a thing, went to the police. He got scared. I'm still navigating my emotions regarding all of that, but am learning along the way to allow myself to feel.. without the guilt of burdening myself. It's dumb. Like I said... learning.

You know how I always talk about vengeful ghosts that yearn to be heard and acknowledged? 

Yeah.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT. Amazing. wow. so drama.

whatever, HAPPY FRIDAY.

PLAY VIDEO GAMES.

EAT THE FOODS THAT ARE SO YUMMY.

HUG YOUR LOVED ONES.

SLEEP IN.

HAVE A GOOD POOP.

SMILE AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR YOU HANDSOME DEVIL, YOU.

DO A NAP.

BURRITO YOURSELF AND PLAY A MOBILE GAME (SinoAlice looks dope).

START A PROJECT EVEN IF YOU SUCK ASS AT IT.

POSTURE CHECK AND STREEEEETCH.

H2O SIPPY SIPPY.

WESTWORLD WAS JUST OKAY.

WEAR A FUCKING MASK.

:)

 

CHAPTER 3

You know when someone wants to tell you something, and they're throwing in all these unrelated details, talking in circles trying to amp up the suspense in a way- and you're there confused, and just wanna tell them "oh. what's your point...?"

That was season 1 of Westworld

The only mindfuck I got from it was from Anthony Hopkins' deliveries of his one liners; mostly his euphemism for godliness in Michaelangelo's god/Adam painting.

I never noticed the brain before. But it's also very on brand for Anthony Hopkins to play a cerebral character. He was the only thing that had any semblance of depth.

I liked this though. It's a really pretty way of saying we're horny and perpetually stupid.

Ummm, the last episode was weird. Women can be strong characters, but only if strong male characters die? Is that the only merit we're capable of achieving... lol? like. what? Like, I really liked the engineer. She was chillin, being an engineer, doing her job, and contributing to a narrative in a way that made sense lol. But watch out, miss bUlK aPpErCePtIoN, I sAvE mUhSeLf. I mean... I'm kind like that too, but I don't put people (specifically men) more capable than me down in order to establish that. That whole... reach... felt... like a lot.

Overall... it was a confusing mess until episode 6, when they tried to talk all fancy computer talk, but all they were saying was that the hosts didn't have enough RAM when the reverie update went live and it overrode a bunch of old commands in the code. Thus, autonomy. LOLWUT

i MEAN. That's a pretty careless oversight. Even if it was an unexpected (lol?) update, to only allow machines to cap at the required space for them to run is like... that's... that's not even good. There's a market for extra memory for a reason. Instead of upgrading memory and reinputing the original code, they just were like WELL GUESS WE GOTTA RETIRE THEM, and that's what the drama was over.... :|

I liked episodes 6-9, with the technical stuff, but zoned out during the western stuff. Mysterious Ed Harris playing a character that seems like just a whatever dude... was obvious he wasn't just a whatever dude. I can't stand when tv shows do that lol. WEAK STORYTELLING. This is why I can't watch tv shows, at least not current ones.

Housemate said going into it analyzing everything will just work against me because nothing gets uncovered until later on. And that's... Those are the mind fucks that I live for. I love those types of narratives.

BUT throwing tons of random storylines, that don't connect, at the viewer in the first episode hoping something sticks isn't it. Then following with that endless jumping from one plot to the next, and they having nothing to do with each other, is... torment.

Westworld season 1... I'm sorry. You're a mess. Anthony Hopkins and the chill engineer chick who was sure of herself and didn't reach over anyone to make a statement, were the characters that left the best impressions on me.

Other than that, I liked the dude that helped whatsherface, he reminded me of the main story in Fallout 4. The narrative is.. actually... very very very very similar. The institute? Yeah. So. I've been playing Fallout 4 recently lol.God Fallout 4 is so good.

Been reading lots of manga, and this felt on point.

MOVING ALONG.

It's been so nice these past few days. I've been working on my moon tan.

It's coming in nicely. Because I'M STAYING HOME DURING A PANDEMIC :)

Since it was so nice, I even went out to our backyard, not to take out the trash, but for a whole 5 minutes... dipped my legs in our pool. Then crabwalked back inside the house.

This week will be the last time that I'll be calling Anaheim my home.

This is totally a new chapter. Closing up the last, very good chapter, and writing the next. I'll be moving in with Chicken, to continue our journey through higher levels together. I only ever lived with a partner once before, when I was 19 and thought my world would end if he was away from me for longer than a few hours.

This time, it's unreal still to me how much this fellow earth sign has been a continuous source of positive vibes and support for me our entire journey together. The most remarkable thing of all... I had secrets. He felt them welling up in me, though never pushed about it. Over time, he's made it so safe for us, that I've told him everything. My traumas, my gruesome physical flaws and insecurities, my lowest of the low life choices and mistakes... he knows it all, every detail. And all he's ever said to me in return, especially when I feel like I'm doubting myself and the direction I'm going, is that he will be with me to help me get through it. He wasn't going anywhere.

There's no judgement, no reprimanding, no unsolicited advice, just... leveling with me and listening. And that is so ... like. Unreal. I've been told I'm a good listener... I'm also a bottler. In an attempt to not distort my own sense of reality, and to not exhaust my loved ones emotionally, I bottle. Not with him.

Also

I've had exes that were threatened by my best friend in the whole wide world, Ponies.

Ponies is someone who will be in my life forfuckingever. He will be at my wedding, he will be at my funeral, he will be at my deathbed if I beat him to it. But I tell him everything, I go to him about things when I'm stuck. He's so important to me and I love him so much.

Chicken knows this, SO to show support and to be friendly, he invited Ponies to HQ and gave him a tour of our campus, where they got to sit down and talk and just chill for a while.

Chicken... I can't put into words how beautiful of a person he is. He's opened his mind so much for me. He opened his mind to DATE ME.

CAN I TELL YOU HOW HE WASN'T EVEN ATTRACTED TO ME WHEN WE FIRST MET. I put him off because of how I looked. It wasn't until a get together one night at work that we got an opportunity to talk more and we bonded over PC gaming- the classics, but most importantly Warcraft III and Star Wars Galaxies. His interest in tech, computers, and gaming drew me to him, and he started realizing how much we have in common. We could potentially ignore each other in peace while gaming. And only nag each other when it was time to eat. Dope.

My favorite memory of one of our first few exchanges was when we decided to give each other our social media. Papa Morheim was right behind him. He didn't realize it at the time until he looked up, looked back, and saw Papa Morheim smiling at him. I could've died. A part of him probably did.

AND HERE WE ARE, ALMOST 3 YEARS LATER. I've made the choice to move in with him and do the live together thing. This is important to me because living with someone, as I learned when I was 19, is huge. It's no longer going over to his place and staying there for a while, then coming home when I want- no. It's living together. And people think they're not that different... but let me tell you... they are DIFFERENT. But.. I've already been through it, and I know what to expect, and we're there. And it feels pretty good to say.

I'm just extremely happy that I'm with someone, having 100% transparency about everything I've bottled up for the last few years... it feels really good. And I'm confident that he's kept that transparency with me as well. We push each other and lift each other to do better and to remain grounded when life gets dumb. He's my team mate. My partner. My equal. And if we wanna play pretend, that works too but at the end of the day, we can both assemble computers and that's the love standard I always wanted. I mean that literally and figuratively.

He bought me Indian food to eat while I wrote this tonight T_T

CHICKENG VINDALOO AND CHICKENG TIKKA MASALA

SO SPICY HNNNNNNG

Indian curry is mmpf.

So yeah. That's happening this weekend. And while I'm really sad to go because I love this house and lived here for 3+ years, I'M READY, GARY

Also, if you leave a cute encouraging note for the Chipotle workers, they give you a phat one

Um... Donkey Kong Country is now available to play on Nintendo Switch Online and this track is still a bop. My coworkers and I would reminisce about it but now I can live it all over again and I'm.... it's a good time right now.

NEW FAVORITE MANGA

Mieruko-chan

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I LOVE IT SO MUCH IT'S SO CUTE

It's a slice of life, but horror lol. I wanna get the physical copies but can't find them anywhere :(

It's current, they're up to the 26th volume and they come out with a new one every month. I NEED 27 I NEED IT. I wanna cosplay her T_T

I might. It's easy as balls, can just buy everything. But maybe I can make a ghostie for a prop.

anYWAY.

Happy Friday.

Hope everyone is safe and being responsible :)

The only thing that makes me sad right now is that my braces are gonna off soon. Buu :(

HO WELL

WEAR A MASK.

Deathly

  No regrets is always something that people wanna live by, or touch on during funerals. The decedent "lived with no regrets." But like, why would it be bad if they did have regrets?

IMO one of the most utterly human things to be is to experience regrets, otherwise... what beauty is there in our transformations? How else can we realize new vistas without acknowledging the things that didn't work for us before? That ideal is what makes death and ghosts so captivating to me. They're intertwined, at least in lore. I think loss and guilt make us just as beautiful if not more, than when we experience and live with gains and security. We lose some humanity when everything lines up and becomes too perfect. People point it out all the time in media.

But when it comes to ghosts in all kinds of stories and culture, people die with regret, but also their dignity was somehow lost in that final transition.

Death is the only certainty in life. And my future dream career is to prepare the dead to retain their dignity in death. To send them off well.

Behind my exterior, the goofy cliche aesthetic and the "darkness" I enjoy, there is a profound respect and fascination with death and the hope that every being and energy can eventually find peace. That is my own perception of heaven, I think. So yeah, I love ghosts and it makes me happy when they find peace.

I was googling some stuff for this post yesterday before everything I wrote got deleted :)

but one of the things I noticed immediately were the headlines "TOP 10 SCARY GHOST MOVIES" and frankly, it should really be "TOP 10 SCARY BUT-UNDERSTANDABLE-HOW-ABUSE-CAN-MANIFEST-POSTHUMOUSLY MOVIES"

There's a common trope in many ghost stories across the globe.

REVENGE OF THE PONTIANAK (2019, Malaysia)

I watched this film a while back, and really the only thing keeping me watching was seeing her story unravel. There's always a backstory, that more often than not coincidentally incriminates the clueless protagonist, in spite of a "randomly" vengeful spirit.

Often, it's the spirit of a scorned woman who died at the hands of their lover. This one was cool because after playing a unique Indonesian horror game (Pamali), I learned about this particular spectre. In the game, she is referred to as Kuntilanak, but they are one in the same. The ghost of a woman who died while pregnant, or shortly after giving birth. She is vengeful. We learn why, and it makes sense. Not so scary anymore.

SHUTTER (2004, Thailand)

This film delivered the usual unsettling atmosphere and suspense that comes with vengeful ghost stories, but again find out why this spirit was ruthless in its vengeance. Usually they stick to one target, whatever noun that may be. Hi person, place, or thing..

If outside factors get in the way of their noun, as in... inhabit, take ownership or become possessive of (including possessive of a person; meaning a romantic relationship), those 3rd party associations end up in a potentially fatal fray as well. They're like cats. Don't touch their shit.

And ghosts have patterns when it comes to vengeance. They relive their torment trying to acquire peace, but explode negative energy instead. But sometimes that pattern gets broken by those who are willing to listen and piece together things the ghosts leave behind. Those, while still on a time constraint, are given a temporary immunity. I always found that really really cool. And it makes sense.

I also like to think that ghosts aren't entirely sentient. They're like... extremely charged remnants of distorted energy. So they just replay over and over and over, like a broken record. baby. right. round. round. round.

What triggers a pattern break though, I can't really make sense of. Whether it's touching an item that belonged to the spirit (of which they're super territorial of, but perhaps not the source of their torment?) or outright addressing them verbally, I don't know for sure. But it breaks the pattern, and that's cool.

This film also goes into that aspect of ... I guess that part. Was cool.

There's an American remake, it's not awful. The narrative gets switched a tiny bit, but not by much. I enjoyed both.

WHAT LIES BENEATH (2000, United States)

SO this was interesting because Chicken actually was the one who talked me into watching this. He cited it as Harrison Ford's most bizarre role, aside my favorite on-screen Selina Kyle, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Idonnoaboutyoomisskitty budaifeeeul.... sooowwwmuch yummiurr

lol

Um but yeah. I liked it. Coincidentally incriminating the protagonists, while one goes with one type of mentality, while the other goes with the abstract approach. What was especially cool though was... in this instance, while the ghost was vengeful, it seemed to want to be heard more than it wanted to act out its vengeance. Which seems like a very... passive thing for a scorned entity. But idk, I'm not the ghost. So I can't judge how it manifests its sadness. Just found that really interesting.

Why is it always the spirits of scorned women? 2 things come to mind.

• Eastern cultures embrace machismo roles to uphold standards of being a man. If the lover deviates from the expectation of being subservient to that mentality, she suffers his uncontrolled rage.
• A machismo standard that men can't be tormented or feel wronged by their lovers, therefore they have no indignation at the hands of their lovers uncontrolled rage.
  

Some male ghosts that made their mark in popular stories all have some kind of comical undertones to them;

Thackery Binx, Casper, Beetleguise. Patrick Swayze in Ghost was one of a tragic circumstance, but not traditional. His grief didn't really exist, or was overshadowed entirely. Um.

Or they're children. Or a family. One brilliant exception..

HIDE AND SEEK (2005, United States)

you thought I was gonna cite the Sixth Sense lol

This film is a flirt. Along the lines of the Sixth Sense. But I put those narratives with like... The Others. Right? They're brilliant. I love them. But not addressing the distinction.

Yeah. Idk. They're different.

I just wanna put the dead to rest, man. That's all I wanna do. Give em a good wash, talk to them, make them look good. Or prepare them to rejoin the earth, in whatever way that is. Doesn't have to be through casket burial. Can totally be through green and natural burial in biodegradable shrouds and caskets where they will literally be absorbed back into the earth, or through alkaline hydrolysis, where they're dissolved in water and the bones made into ashes for the family to hold onto. The liquid remains then can be disposed of through various ways. I'd love for mine to provide nutrients for trees and plants. Preferably durian trees.

JUST SAYING, THERE ARE OPTIONS. You don't have to pay like 15-30k for a whole funeral + burial, sweetie. You just don't. You can if that's what you want, but there are options.

Speaking of... my friend T.K. gifted me this cute game called a Mortician's Tale. I LOVED IT SO MUCH. It was like a little comprehensive course kinda? Of what goes on at a funeral home while you play the role of a mortician. Obvs. A lot of the little side stories and stuff that I read reminded me a lot of the books I'd read by Caitlin Doughty. It was so charming, I love it so so much. A short little point and click game with some simulation stuff. I can see why it has mixed reviews on Steam, because this honestly is for .... people like me. lol. This goes into the role of what you'll meet with in the industry, and I wanna do that. So for me, it was perfect. For others... I can understand the less than great reviews.

Actually, one of the things that stayed with me the most from this game that opened my eyes a lot was... well. Look at the first screenshot.

Woooow! Wow wow wow! Soooo many people!

Such a.. such a big funeral, makes me nervous.

We are making a new action adventure game.

It's spooky.

jk.

There are a lot of people though. Bereaved loved ones show up to pay respects. Each npc had a fond memory to share, or dialog that corresponded with grief and their relationship to the decendent.

And then I had another body that I had to prepare. This body was unclaimed. One of countless cases. Older gentleman. The dialog for him was that it was likely he was a homeless man.

Going into the parlor hit me different. It was just my character there to pay respects to this make-believe dead person. I felt guilt, and a pang of sadness kinda welled up. Out of all of the jobs presented to you in the game, this one stayed with me. My resolve for wanting to pursue this career strengthened further. It's that deep. People become forgotten, and they leave this world having felt just as much fear, regret, sadness, and hurt as those who aren't. It's like this dude in Coco.

The unforgettable Chich, who had been forgotten. Fuck, this scene made me bawl my eyes out.

Anyway... yeah. The fact that my character was the only one there to send this dude off was like... ow :( I wish they had someone else, too. You know?

Once I finished the game, the credits made me smile. I was totally right.

There she is, Caitlin Doughty.

If you're reading this, thank you so much T.K! Was probably a little nothing when you saw it, but it actually made a remarkable impact on me, to which I'm grateful for :D

To close... that begs the question then. Do I believe in ghosts?

I want to. I really do. I have the belief that ... energies exist, and are undeniable. We feel them all the time, whether we walk into a room, or are just sitting next to someone, there are energies there that can be felt. Vibes. And sometimes, there are energies that are felt when someone is not there. Whether that's just us and our bodies reacting to our own fears and insecurities within an environment is totally debatable, but point stands.

As far as entities go.... I don't believe in them :( I want to, but deep in my heart... I know that I don't. I think that places can be heavily charged with energies that linger, whatever that means.

Example: Chicken and I went to a cemetery in Centralia, Pennsylvania while visiting my parents. We were there to see the remnants of the old mining town that inspired the Silent Hill movie. I wrote about it. But while we were on our way to the car, I noticed an opening on the other side of the road, and wanted to check it out. Across a large clearing, there was a bunch of dead brush that I wanted to explore, because there seemed to be some fencing there. But when we saw what it was, Chicken refused. And I, giddy with enthusiasm to investigate, trotted in anyway. It looked like this.

There were 2 cemeteries. One large one was next to the landmark we were visiting. This one was tiny, and hidden away behind a clearing. The day that we went, it wasn't foggy like this, but there was an ominousness about it that lured me in. The atmosphere beyond the gates felt heavy, but I, as respectfully and humbly as I could emanate, walked onto the path, while Chicken lingered outside the gates, nervous as ever.

It's worth noting that Chicken does not believe in ghosts either. But he also respects what he doesn't understand, and ers to the side of cautiousness, that I in turn devour with curious abandon.

I trot down the path, one path, all the way to the other end, and then back towards the gate when I notice a gravestone that caught my attention a little further back off the path. You can see it in this picture. In between the gates, There are 5 Stones left to right. The 4th one back. I walked towards it to read what it said. Chicken immediately whispers loudly, Do not step on the grass! Go back to the path please! I call out trying to calm him, I just wanna read what it says. He tells me again, no please don't step on the grass. I can see him becoming worried, so I slowly walk back towards the path and look at him with a :(im sorry i scared you  kinda face. Immediately, I'll never forget this... a strong ass gust of wind blows from behind me, as if pushing me towards the gate. Like, it was all around me, and it was.. like... a big wind lol. Idk how else to describe it. Like a really windy day, out of nowhere, towards the gate. It took me by surprise because it wasn't windy before? Or maybe we hadn't noticed, idk. But then I said out loud "I'm sorry, okay I hear you. I'm leaving. I'm sorry." Chicken's face.... oh man. He was upset lol. I reached him and he just sternly looked at me like a child that just fucked up, and said lets go. I could feel how tense he was.

The next day, we had fevers of 103. Both of us. Lasted throughout the weekend and calmed down by Monday.

I can't imagine what made us sick, as we didn't go anywhere else that day. Just visited the landmark, drove around the remains of Centralia a bit, and visited the cemetery before going home. Weirdest fucking coincidence in my life lol. I'm glad I wasn't alone though. Otherwise I probably would've felt crazy. But he was there, he saw it all. Doesn't stop my wanderlust for exploring places with heavy energies but that one shook me a little bit.

So yeah. That's where I stand with stuff. Kind of how I feel about death and ghosts and I guess... the industry surrounding death.

Something happened recently that made me feel like... if I died, and if my spirit felt unrest and wanted revenge, I'd go after this person. I can't talk about it right now. But like many other women, I fit the trope. There's one particular 4 year old regret that haunts me to this day. But through it, I'm embracing my humanity, as well as my ability to cultivate strength and courage, and not see myself forfeit to torment.

A lot is intertwined. I feel a lot. Like, yeah I'm calculating and can be cold when it comes to certain things, but that's attributed to my curiosity. I like gathering context and factors before coming to a conclusion I feel sufficiently addresses whatever. I have to disassociate in order to understand what I'm looking at first, like duh. But when things unravel and they're inhumane... like the most primal root of the word, I feel gutted. It's like... the extreme opposite end of my emotional polarity. I excel at disassociation, which also makes me feel very, very deeply. For ghosts. For animals. For robots. For children. For victims of abuse. For pretty much any being that unwittingly and unwillingly forfeited their autonomy at the mercy of the most abhorrent facets of hedonism.

Ghosts earn their right to terrorize humans in my book. So respect them, respect the dead, and maybe reevaluate how to experience ghost movies ^_^

My dumpy attempt at old portraiture, but it just turned out to be cringy. I was trying to see if i could do the 20s make up thing and that weird look-yonder pose, but it's hard. It looks goofy.

Also, for what its worth, been getting a few compliments here and there about my nails.

They all should've broken off centuries ago, but I use this thing, Orly nail rescue kit. It's supposed to be for nail tears, but I use it for all of my nails as preventative care. Basically you brush on this nail glue formula, then dip your entire nail into this powder that I think is acrylic. I could look it up, but whatever. And it creates this layer on your nail that you then buff down. It reinforces your nails so that when you do accidently bump them and they bend, they won't break off. Like in the left photo. It bent a little when I bumped it, but could've been a lot worse. I swear by this product. It's great if you're trying to grow your nails out and keep em strong and protected.

Anyway this went on long enough. I'm gonna go make muhself a sangwich. hokaybye.