My xiphoid process and fundus are making out right now, I can feel it. Y'all ever get your diaphragm smashed? It's totally whatever, screaming. Pragmatism feels like an almost impossible feat in a dream from long ago. All I have now is delulu theorizing and... reckless speculation from my most sedentary stations. Even my wrists have forsaken me. Did I ever dance? I've been drinking Baja Blast this past week because I couldn't resist the 12 pack at the store. What is happening to me?
Just kidding, I'm fine. Everything just feels like shit, but it's all working! Today Mr. Chicken went off with the guys for Oktoberfest stuff. We went last year, was cool. But I'm definitely in my "I'm kinda compromised and rather stay home" era. Especially since my Lloyd Christmas bangs and I are still getting through Withering Rooms. God, that game has such a grip on me. Truly.
2.5D non-linear survival horror game (mmpf) that I went into completely blind. Death is punishing. So many things to unlock in order to not feel completely broken. I was on a roll of not having died for like 4 days straight and was going at a great pace and moving along in the story until I got too greedy with a mob and wham. Died. Lost a bunch of items, my saved up coins, everything respawns, map blacks out and everything respawns in a different order, gotta make your way back through the map again. Feels bad. Punishing. But so good. It's taking me forever because I'm too stupid to make sense of what to do next so I'll explore everything and die and rinse repeat until something clicks and the clues make sense finally. This is the way.
Moving along, a few days ago hubby woke me up as he always does. In my grogginess (probably from the 4% brain shrinkage) I conversed with him as I would any other morning, sitting up, until I noticed there was a bouquet of flowers and dessert on our dresser, right in front of me.
Just kidding, I'm fine. Everything just feels like shit, but it's all working! Today Mr. Chicken went off with the guys for Oktoberfest stuff. We went last year, was cool. But I'm definitely in my "I'm kinda compromised and rather stay home" era. Especially since my Lloyd Christmas bangs and I are still getting through Withering Rooms. God, that game has such a grip on me. Truly.
2.5D non-linear survival horror game (mmpf) that I went into completely blind. Death is punishing. So many things to unlock in order to not feel completely broken. I was on a roll of not having died for like 4 days straight and was going at a great pace and moving along in the story until I got too greedy with a mob and wham. Died. Lost a bunch of items, my saved up coins, everything respawns, map blacks out and everything respawns in a different order, gotta make your way back through the map again. Feels bad. Punishing. But so good. It's taking me forever because I'm too stupid to make sense of what to do next so I'll explore everything and die and rinse repeat until something clicks and the clues make sense finally. This is the way.
Moving along, a few days ago hubby woke me up as he always does. In my grogginess (probably from the 4% brain shrinkage) I conversed with him as I would any other morning, sitting up, until I noticed there was a bouquet of flowers and dessert on our dresser, right in front of me.
He was just waiting for me to notice it, lol. My focus is legendary, I'll have you know, dear reader. Nothing else exists when I lock onto my target. So, I finally notice it and start crying.
Married 2 years to the day. The bouquets he's gotten me over the years have established themselves around our home as sacred, eternal icons of his affection. I will keep them forever. Frankly, I wasn't expecting much, mostly because we had just gone kinda crazy with stuff recently. Disney, Vegas, car dmg. But he still surprised me. He's wonderful.
Married 2 years to the day. The bouquets he's gotten me over the years have established themselves around our home as sacred, eternal icons of his affection. I will keep them forever. Frankly, I wasn't expecting much, mostly because we had just gone kinda crazy with stuff recently. Disney, Vegas, car dmg. But he still surprised me. He's wonderful.
The day we signed the papers was one of the greatest days. Modest and quaint. Lifa and Chun D were our witnesses at the courthouse. We exchanged vows, cried, laughed, and went to Disney after, lol. A few days later we had a ceremony + reception for family and friends.
That day, Mr. Chicken took us out for a comfy day.
That day, Mr. Chicken took us out for a comfy day.
YAY.
Cozy spot nearby to just nom ^_^
As we quietly enjoyed our meals, I reflected on special occasion obligations in dating/couple culture and it made me appreciate how low effort and comfortable our lunch together was.
What kind of pressures are couples under when a meal becomes a performance?
I encourage people putting money aside for these xyz "performances" to not wait for special occasions and just go do it on an off day... and make it a good day instead with a treat. And when a special occasion happens, do something that feels warm and good and comforting instead!
Mr. Chicken had been tolerating my derpy squeak nagging about wanting to go to a pumpkin patch this year. I didn't think he'd actually take us as soon as he did!
Elated was an understatement.
Fun backstory?
I didn't grow up going to pumpkin patches, but I did have an idealized vision of a pumpkin patch in mind, and thought that was the standard.
Mr. Chicken brought us to this farm a few years ago and it confirmed everything. I'd only ever experienced traversing a pumpkin patch in World of Warcraft, and imagined how cool they must be in real life. And it was; so cool. The following year, he took us to another pumpkin patch.
As we pulled up, I felt so confused because we were still in the city area. He parked in a parking lot to what looked like a small lot set up with tents and a petting zoo. We got out, went inside and I couldn't wrap my mind around what was happening, lmao. He explained to me then that this is what most "pumpkin patches" look like, and that my first experience at the actual farm wasn't the usual experience, LOL. I was like dayum.
Bewildered. Guilty. Disappointed. Humbled.
but I didn't wanna be there, LOL. It was like I had tasted paradise and then came across orange juice from concentrate. I just. Yeah. I mean, it was cute. But it looked so... deliberate. And sad. I suppose when you're a kid it's totally different. You're just excited to see the pumpkins and the little games and petting zoo and hay stacks and all that stuff. But dayum, lol. Frankly, I got whiplash.
Anyway, he took us back to the farm, hahaha.
Fun backstory?
I didn't grow up going to pumpkin patches, but I did have an idealized vision of a pumpkin patch in mind, and thought that was the standard.
Mr. Chicken brought us to this farm a few years ago and it confirmed everything. I'd only ever experienced traversing a pumpkin patch in World of Warcraft, and imagined how cool they must be in real life. And it was; so cool. The following year, he took us to another pumpkin patch.
As we pulled up, I felt so confused because we were still in the city area. He parked in a parking lot to what looked like a small lot set up with tents and a petting zoo. We got out, went inside and I couldn't wrap my mind around what was happening, lmao. He explained to me then that this is what most "pumpkin patches" look like, and that my first experience at the actual farm wasn't the usual experience, LOL. I was like dayum.
Bewildered. Guilty. Disappointed. Humbled.
but I didn't wanna be there, LOL. It was like I had tasted paradise and then came across orange juice from concentrate. I just. Yeah. I mean, it was cute. But it looked so... deliberate. And sad. I suppose when you're a kid it's totally different. You're just excited to see the pumpkins and the little games and petting zoo and hay stacks and all that stuff. But dayum, lol. Frankly, I got whiplash.
Anyway, he took us back to the farm, hahaha.
I was so happy to be back!
The farm is massive. There's so much to explore.
And pumpkins as far as the eye could see!
See? He brought me here for my first time experiencing a pumpkin patch. Getting whiplash at a parking lot pumpkin pop up patch is not a surprising side effect.
We were on a mission. I'm not sure how we're gonna do this, but I'm determined. We grabbed two large pumpkins and one smaller one. Project incoming.
I look MASSIVE.
It's okay.
If I'm going to navigate life as King Zora in Ocarina of Time, I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can. I did the obligatory tiny pumpkie against my incubation chamber photo- had to.
Was such a nice little thing to do. We didn't last long though before the day felt uncomfortable and fatigue set in. It wasn't super crowded when we got there, but more crowds were showing up and... we can't. It's too much. The cherry on top was getting home and initializing the potato sequence.
BEHOLD: My shame.
Look, I don't like sodas. But why is baja blast so yummy smelling? And then yummy tasting? Terrible. Granted, I can only drink it diluted. But look at my adorable skull ice cube! In my Silly Symphonies Skeleton Dance glass ! :D Idk, it made me happy lol.
Earlier this week, Lifa came over for slumber parties.
Tuesday night was lit.
I've given too much money to this place. And I regret none of it.
The next day, Lifa and Mr. Chicken answered the call for a Guinness ice cream float from none other than Clarabelle's.
We got there as it was getting dark and the crowds were emptying out.
As much as I enjoy the Disney parks, the renewal increases that were recently shown had me kinda upset. Upset actually is a little strong, maybe more put off?
I think I've reached a point where rationalizing how much our annual passes would be has become... delusional.
I think I've reached a point where rationalizing how much our annual passes would be has become... delusional.
Those asada fries from the weiner booth in Hollywood land were legit.
Anyway, yeah. With how much we go, the last few years I'd absolutely say that it was worth it. The free parking is also fantastic. And while we don't really buy a lot of merch, we do go for food and the discounts are nice. Those things considered, for how much we frequent the parks, yeah.
Things I don't care about is the weekend and seasonal day access. We never go on weekends. It's like begging to be miserable. Same with summer vacation, spring break, Holiday dates closer to the day, and commencement week. Fuck all of that sideways into the sun.
If you live out of state and wanna visit, take some days off from work and do it over the work week outside of busy season because it gets GROSS.
Rambling...
So. Yeah the new price increases are whack. I'm at my threshold.
For once, we're undecided on whether to renew or not. I mean, Mr. Chicken can live without it, but enjoys the occasional stroll & noms. I like the liberty of strolling around by myself without the threat of... getting accosted, catcalled, assaulted, hit on, mugged, kidnapped, raped, held at gunpoint, etc., so there's a little co-dependence and fun psychology in there.
So. Yeah the new price increases are whack. I'm at my threshold.
For once, we're undecided on whether to renew or not. I mean, Mr. Chicken can live without it, but enjoys the occasional stroll & noms. I like the liberty of strolling around by myself without the threat of... getting accosted, catcalled, assaulted, hit on, mugged, kidnapped, raped, held at gunpoint, etc., so there's a little co-dependence and fun psychology in there.
Taro bread pudding came through again. So good, ugh.
That frickin guy posing for instagram/tik tok/whatever will never not be funny, omg.
Ahhh, Cars Land during the Halloween season is da besssssss.
Spider car. Spider car.
Does whatever a car does.
Does whatever a car does.
God, I am not trying LOL.
I wore lipstick but kept eating :(
Jk, eating is amazing
How else is the butt on my chin gonna stay caked up?
Jk, eating is amazing
How else is the butt on my chin gonna stay caked up?
We told you to get a pass you fumb duck.
Not pictured: Homdray
LOL
Not pictured: Homdray
LOL
Umm, so yeah. I don't know. I don't think we'll keep the tier we currently have. Almost certain of that. With just the price increase, it's delusional mostly because the perks aren't even changing. But then the other options available are just... not good-unless we just don't visit as often, which is likely. So I guess in that context it makes sense. Am just thinking out loud at this point.
Estar Guar
D'aww
So I'm not sure what app it is or how it works, but Mr. Chicken was able to "hack" a bunch of terminals, droids and ships in Galaxy's Edge. There are puzzles to unlock that sync to the terminal, and the result would activate it. Pretty cool. It's surprising that this function isn't more openly discussed!
Guaou, mira the Estar Guar.
So
Star War
By this time, Galaxy's Edge was deserted. We had it pretty much to ourselves, so wandering around and hacking everything was extra fun.
The droid in Ronto Roasters turns to look at you and vocalizes. I'd be pissed if I was cooking and someone tried to hack me, too. Sorry, sir.
We were there til closing. On our way towards the exit we came across a Dia de los Muertos area.
It was so beautiful!
This was likely Mr. Chicken and I's last visit for a while. Was a good one, though. Chill. Just how it should be.
On the way out I gave a fond farewell to Oogie and California Adventure.
GGs
Waaaaaaahh
Why our last? Well, I would rather smash my head in a drawer than bring Mung Bean prematurely. I mean, I could still visit on my own while Mr. Chicken watches the bean but I don't know. That hasn't really crossed my mind much. Also strollers just piss me off.
Things to consider for annual pass renewal, I suppose.
Things to consider for annual pass renewal, I suppose.
Little miss.
Little m'am.
Little madame.
Little lady of the house.
Little flayer of legs.
God, I hope she adjusts okay to the bean. If she doesn't... lol oh well.
Lol, yeah not gonna rehome or abandon her, that's gross af. Have some foresight and take responsibility, or don't commit to being a caretaker for another life. So damn simple.
If she doesn't adjust, then we'll adjust to ensure she feels secure. What's that thing called that comes with like, working slowly toward a desired result with understanding? Patience? Is that it? I think that's it. CRAZY. UNFATHOMABLE. Whoa. wats that, like. omg.
Little m'am.
Little madame.
Little lady of the house.
Little flayer of legs.
God, I hope she adjusts okay to the bean. If she doesn't... lol oh well.
Lol, yeah not gonna rehome or abandon her, that's gross af. Have some foresight and take responsibility, or don't commit to being a caretaker for another life. So damn simple.
If she doesn't adjust, then we'll adjust to ensure she feels secure. What's that thing called that comes with like, working slowly toward a desired result with understanding? Patience? Is that it? I think that's it. CRAZY. UNFATHOMABLE. Whoa. wats that, like. omg.
She invited herself to my game of solitaire.
It's okay because after restarting, I won. So it's good that she completely obliterated it mid-game. Thanks, Ophelia!
It's okay because after restarting, I won. So it's good that she completely obliterated it mid-game. Thanks, Ophelia!
REFLECTION TIEM:
I've been thinking about challenges. Cuz we all run into them at some point or another. Could be a smol thing with work, could be a long lasting thing in life. Speed bump, barrier. We're about to come crashing into a few soon. And I'm not sure how I'm going to take it or mentally be able to adjust.
And then I thought, huh. That's pretty much all I have to ride on. Whether or not I can mentally adjust. Because it's gonna happen whether or not I'm ready for it. And blaming outside circumstances... just doesn't make sense, nor will that help me.
So... with this reality looming, to anyone else that's navigating a challenge, check in with yourself and be honest. What does that even mean?
Well. Self awareness is hardest when you're still not okay with several parts of yourself. Can become ashamed, insecure, afraid of rejection, or employ an inflated sense of ego as a defense mechanism, then these emotions become false armor that (resentfully) reject adaptation.
But what if these things are just a normal part of it? And what if they're not inherently bad things to feel?
I'm struggling with being useless - 100% an ego thing. Not so much the other stuff, but at one point or another, those things held me back too. But if I'm being honest, accepting the stuff I was inherently afraid of helped in allowing myself to function with less tension, which then helped my confidence grow. And that's where I'm kinda trying to figure out how to navigate this incoming thing.
I have to make mistakes to get better. And it's cool. I just need to be okay with messing up. Perhaps avoid hurting anyone (myself included) in the process because... duh. But I have to be okay with messing up and struggling and being embarrassed and whatever undesirable emotion will come. I have to be okay with it and find purpose in it. And give myself grace to expand on things I'm insecure about.
I think rejecting these emotions outright or avoiding things that lead to them can breed resentment for acting on aspirations or acting out towards other people.
I saw this thing on social media a few days ago that disgusted me and made me sad. It was some guy going off about how single moms are sluts followed by a slew of other things that only demonstrated how lonely and resentful he was. He was so angry. With women particularly. Like, he blamed them for.... I'm not sure, but he just hated anything they did. And it only had me drawing the conclusion that 1. Rejection to him is ultimate failure, because he'd brag about being able to "get" women while... simultaneously hating them?
2. His scope of experience with women seemed narrow. Which made me feel bad for him.
Was he mad at women or at himself? Of course he'd say women, because ... shame, insecurity, rejection, and ego are all things he's terrified of acknowledging. And instead of checking himself, he has to blame something outside of himself. Couldn't possibly be him.
So, that was interesting. I hope he heals. I really do.
And then there are the other challenges where it's like, something catastrophic happened, and you're trying to stay afloat through it all, mentally and emotionally with everything around you shifting faster than you can keep up with. You don't know what's gonna happen, you're terrified, ashamed, what if I do something and it gets worse, makes you feel even more insecure, and then what's the point of keeping this up?
And then I thought, huh. That's pretty much all I have to ride on. Whether or not I can mentally adjust. Because it's gonna happen whether or not I'm ready for it. And blaming outside circumstances... just doesn't make sense, nor will that help me.
So... with this reality looming, to anyone else that's navigating a challenge, check in with yourself and be honest. What does that even mean?
Well. Self awareness is hardest when you're still not okay with several parts of yourself. Can become ashamed, insecure, afraid of rejection, or employ an inflated sense of ego as a defense mechanism, then these emotions become false armor that (resentfully) reject adaptation.
But what if these things are just a normal part of it? And what if they're not inherently bad things to feel?
I'm struggling with being useless - 100% an ego thing. Not so much the other stuff, but at one point or another, those things held me back too. But if I'm being honest, accepting the stuff I was inherently afraid of helped in allowing myself to function with less tension, which then helped my confidence grow. And that's where I'm kinda trying to figure out how to navigate this incoming thing.
I have to make mistakes to get better. And it's cool. I just need to be okay with messing up. Perhaps avoid hurting anyone (myself included) in the process because... duh. But I have to be okay with messing up and struggling and being embarrassed and whatever undesirable emotion will come. I have to be okay with it and find purpose in it. And give myself grace to expand on things I'm insecure about.
I think rejecting these emotions outright or avoiding things that lead to them can breed resentment for acting on aspirations or acting out towards other people.
I saw this thing on social media a few days ago that disgusted me and made me sad. It was some guy going off about how single moms are sluts followed by a slew of other things that only demonstrated how lonely and resentful he was. He was so angry. With women particularly. Like, he blamed them for.... I'm not sure, but he just hated anything they did. And it only had me drawing the conclusion that 1. Rejection to him is ultimate failure, because he'd brag about being able to "get" women while... simultaneously hating them?
2. His scope of experience with women seemed narrow. Which made me feel bad for him.
Was he mad at women or at himself? Of course he'd say women, because ... shame, insecurity, rejection, and ego are all things he's terrified of acknowledging. And instead of checking himself, he has to blame something outside of himself. Couldn't possibly be him.
So, that was interesting. I hope he heals. I really do.
And then there are the other challenges where it's like, something catastrophic happened, and you're trying to stay afloat through it all, mentally and emotionally with everything around you shifting faster than you can keep up with. You don't know what's gonna happen, you're terrified, ashamed, what if I do something and it gets worse, makes you feel even more insecure, and then what's the point of keeping this up?
I'm too long-winded.
ANYWAYSssss
Yesterday we went out to eat with extended fam. Met for the first time and it was nice. I'm learning that our fam has a lot of culture in it by marriage. Taiwanese, Indian, Arab, Peruvian, Japanese. How awesome is that? We bonded over food discrimination, lol.
This week is gonna bring a lot with it. All exciting, and a little overwhelming for other reasons, but overall we're in the positive. The biggest downfall is that I'm letting myself down creatively. I got myself a bunch of craft stuff, but can't find the creativity to create with it. Design is not my forte. But I need to get on that because it's one of the things I told myself I'd expand on. It's incredible how people can just come up with stuff and add color and dimension. That doesn't seem to be possible for me. The written word always flowed better.
MKAY I'm done. Tired. Sore. Disappointed in myself because I wanted to do something crafty today but didn't. So I'm gonna mope with a baja blast and slice of pumpkin bread I baked this morning.
ANYWAYSssss
Yesterday we went out to eat with extended fam. Met for the first time and it was nice. I'm learning that our fam has a lot of culture in it by marriage. Taiwanese, Indian, Arab, Peruvian, Japanese. How awesome is that? We bonded over food discrimination, lol.
This week is gonna bring a lot with it. All exciting, and a little overwhelming for other reasons, but overall we're in the positive. The biggest downfall is that I'm letting myself down creatively. I got myself a bunch of craft stuff, but can't find the creativity to create with it. Design is not my forte. But I need to get on that because it's one of the things I told myself I'd expand on. It's incredible how people can just come up with stuff and add color and dimension. That doesn't seem to be possible for me. The written word always flowed better.
MKAY I'm done. Tired. Sore. Disappointed in myself because I wanted to do something crafty today but didn't. So I'm gonna mope with a baja blast and slice of pumpkin bread I baked this morning.