So, this was written a few weeks ago. I honestly wasn't sure whether or not to publish it because it seems kinda repetitive with the "love yourself" stuff that's in currently, but maybe this could help someone? I wasn't sad or going through anything. Just an observation ^_^
There's this meme thinger where people post a photo of themselves from 10 years ago to compare what they look like now. I did that. Nothing's changed for me. But then there's another where people talk about where they were at 10 years ago. This can regard anything.
And I wanna take a moment to reflect and stress the lessons I've learned in those 10 years up to where I am now.
This goes 11 years back, actually.
At 20 years old, my motivation for moving out was the romantic long distance relationship I then had with an entertainer. Our relationship was kept alive through video games, the only medium where we could "be" together in. I moved across the country for my lover. But, I had no real plan set for myself, other than the idea of being close to him. For me, back then, that was enough to uproot my life across the country.
My life, I found out quickly, became revolved around him. Not because he insisted it, but because I had made him the center of it. Everything he was involved with was something that I held onto for myself, and while I wanted to be his cheerleader, it was really all that I had. Without him, I had nothing. And that's so fucking depressing. It's not a me that I'm proud of.
Granted, through him, I met many many people who I've made incredible bonds with. To this very day, we still keep in touch. And those memories will forever be cherished. But, for almost 5 years, I followed him around like a puppy. Aimlessly. Without a direction of my own, or any real definition for myself.
This is the romance that I thought I wanted to have. To sacrifice my all in order to achieve a life with this person. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it was a disservice to myself and my dignity. But at the time, nothing else mattered. Juvenile mentality. If I could travel back in time, I would punch myself in the face.
Eventually, I exhausted myself trying to keep up with an idealized "Love" I thought was supposed to be all or nothing. It left me feeling neglected, sad, alone, bored, and ultimately just feeling really crappy about myself. And that lead me to breaking it off- which at the time felt like the hardest thing to do in the entire world. I had to sever my mental life line. My vein of shitty happiness, which wasn't even happiness, it was just shit. I'd resent him and be mad at him because I was bored and wanted validation from him constantly- I was so insecure! I demanded from him to include me in things- I wanted to be involved in his career. While he did include me in certain subtle ways, they weren't enough, and my self-esteem would plummet when he'd try to reason with me. I was so young.
How embarrassing. My early 20s were a mess.
In hindsight, this is probably the period in my life where I learned most about what it means to Grow and mature as a person. There was still an infantile view of the world and how Love is "supposed" to function. It wasn't until he moved out and I had time to myself that I realized how much I had let his life overshadow my own. And it was my own fault. I was so in love with wanting to be in love, that I fucked myself over. By this time, I was 25, almost 26.
In that time that I was single, it wasn't long before another relationship found me. He was 6 years younger than me, and really liked me. I was put off by the idea of dating, but eventually, ended up being together for almost 2 years. During that time, I found myself wanting more independence, because I saw some of my romantic old world habits in this younger lover. And I found myself, in small ways, becoming my ex.
by 27 I wanted to go back to school and do something; but for myself. I moved a few times, but remained within the same area. But when the commute to school became too much, I finally took the biggest leap for myself and moved to Orange County. I transferred through my work, and attended school until math kicked my ass, and discouraged me enough to withdraw from the class and never return. During this time, the people I encountered taught me what it meant to be a trophy, but also taught me to be devious. With this, my confidence grew. I went after what I wanted, and while things may have gone differently than I intended, at least I would have results.
by 29 I mutated into this adorable, callous, executioner type that just wrecked everything in my way. I held onto the friends I trusted, anyone else no longer existed. I became focused on my work, my life, my family, and GAMES
the spring of my 30th year, I started the most incredible journey. From there, everything has been nothing short of a blessing.
What I learned in the last 10 years - Put yourself FIRST.
We muse and romanticize what love is or what it's supposed to be and become so obsessed with it that it ruins us. These ideas of what relationships are supposed to be vs the partnerships that enrich your life are crazy different.
It's so important to find yourself, and learn to love yourself. It doesn't make sense, and it sucks because it's been said to me a million times in my 20s- by that ex, but I didn't understand. Not until I felt comfortable on my own. Being able to support myself and being on my own, alone, and realizing that life goes on because it's mine and I dictate how things will be.... was a realization that changed everything. Depending on others for happiness is a mentality that can turn extremely toxic if we're not strong enough to hold our own. And I wish I knew it earlier on. But I know it now.
While I am in an amazing relationship now, I wish that being single wasn't so looked down upon. Because it's okay to be solo. They're the most sobering and liberating times in our lives. We are in control and answer to no one.
And when that dope person comes along, and you're both at that point, you become partners. A team. And when you both bring your awesome lives together, it creates this awesome new thing that is like, a mod you add to your game.
Like, your life is this game you love. And it's fine, and you play it and do stuff and get quests done and whatever. Gear up, level up. Right? And then you get a mod for whatever. It doesn't take away from anything you've achieved, it just enhances something you're fond of.
That's goals. That's a dope ass relationship.
If you can relate to the stuff I was writing about from my early 20's, right now .....
THIS AIN'T IT, CHIEF.