Deathly

  No regrets is always something that people wanna live by, or touch on during funerals. The decedent "lived with no regrets." But like, why would it be bad if they did have regrets?

IMO one of the most utterly human things to be is to experience regrets, otherwise... what beauty is there in our transformations? How else can we realize new vistas without acknowledging the things that didn't work for us before? That ideal is what makes death and ghosts so captivating to me. They're intertwined, at least in lore. I think loss and guilt make us just as beautiful if not more, than when we experience and live with gains and security. We lose some humanity when everything lines up and becomes too perfect. People point it out all the time in media.

But when it comes to ghosts in all kinds of stories and culture, people die with regret, but also their dignity was somehow lost in that final transition.

Death is the only certainty in life. And my future dream career is to prepare the dead to retain their dignity in death. To send them off well.

Behind my exterior, the goofy cliche aesthetic and the "darkness" I enjoy, there is a profound respect and fascination with death and the hope that every being and energy can eventually find peace. That is my own perception of heaven, I think. So yeah, I love ghosts and it makes me happy when they find peace.

I was googling some stuff for this post yesterday before everything I wrote got deleted :)

but one of the things I noticed immediately were the headlines "TOP 10 SCARY GHOST MOVIES" and frankly, it should really be "TOP 10 SCARY BUT-UNDERSTANDABLE-HOW-ABUSE-CAN-MANIFEST-POSTHUMOUSLY MOVIES"

There's a common trope in many ghost stories across the globe.

REVENGE OF THE PONTIANAK (2019, Malaysia)

I watched this film a while back, and really the only thing keeping me watching was seeing her story unravel. There's always a backstory, that more often than not coincidentally incriminates the clueless protagonist, in spite of a "randomly" vengeful spirit.

Often, it's the spirit of a scorned woman who died at the hands of their lover. This one was cool because after playing a unique Indonesian horror game (Pamali), I learned about this particular spectre. In the game, she is referred to as Kuntilanak, but they are one in the same. The ghost of a woman who died while pregnant, or shortly after giving birth. She is vengeful. We learn why, and it makes sense. Not so scary anymore.

SHUTTER (2004, Thailand)

This film delivered the usual unsettling atmosphere and suspense that comes with vengeful ghost stories, but again find out why this spirit was ruthless in its vengeance. Usually they stick to one target, whatever noun that may be. Hi person, place, or thing..

If outside factors get in the way of their noun, as in... inhabit, take ownership or become possessive of (including possessive of a person; meaning a romantic relationship), those 3rd party associations end up in a potentially fatal fray as well. They're like cats. Don't touch their shit.

And ghosts have patterns when it comes to vengeance. They relive their torment trying to acquire peace, but explode negative energy instead. But sometimes that pattern gets broken by those who are willing to listen and piece together things the ghosts leave behind. Those, while still on a time constraint, are given a temporary immunity. I always found that really really cool. And it makes sense.

I also like to think that ghosts aren't entirely sentient. They're like... extremely charged remnants of distorted energy. So they just replay over and over and over, like a broken record. baby. right. round. round. round.

What triggers a pattern break though, I can't really make sense of. Whether it's touching an item that belonged to the spirit (of which they're super territorial of, but perhaps not the source of their torment?) or outright addressing them verbally, I don't know for sure. But it breaks the pattern, and that's cool.

This film also goes into that aspect of ... I guess that part. Was cool.

There's an American remake, it's not awful. The narrative gets switched a tiny bit, but not by much. I enjoyed both.

WHAT LIES BENEATH (2000, United States)

SO this was interesting because Chicken actually was the one who talked me into watching this. He cited it as Harrison Ford's most bizarre role, aside my favorite on-screen Selina Kyle, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Idonnoaboutyoomisskitty budaifeeeul.... sooowwwmuch yummiurr

lol

Um but yeah. I liked it. Coincidentally incriminating the protagonists, while one goes with one type of mentality, while the other goes with the abstract approach. What was especially cool though was... in this instance, while the ghost was vengeful, it seemed to want to be heard more than it wanted to act out its vengeance. Which seems like a very... passive thing for a scorned entity. But idk, I'm not the ghost. So I can't judge how it manifests its sadness. Just found that really interesting.

Why is it always the spirits of scorned women? 2 things come to mind.

• Eastern cultures embrace machismo roles to uphold standards of being a man. If the lover deviates from the expectation of being subservient to that mentality, she suffers his uncontrolled rage.
• A machismo standard that men can't be tormented or feel wronged by their lovers, therefore they have no indignation at the hands of their lovers uncontrolled rage.
  

Some male ghosts that made their mark in popular stories all have some kind of comical undertones to them;

Thackery Binx, Casper, Beetleguise. Patrick Swayze in Ghost was one of a tragic circumstance, but not traditional. His grief didn't really exist, or was overshadowed entirely. Um.

Or they're children. Or a family. One brilliant exception..

HIDE AND SEEK (2005, United States)

you thought I was gonna cite the Sixth Sense lol

This film is a flirt. Along the lines of the Sixth Sense. But I put those narratives with like... The Others. Right? They're brilliant. I love them. But not addressing the distinction.

Yeah. Idk. They're different.

I just wanna put the dead to rest, man. That's all I wanna do. Give em a good wash, talk to them, make them look good. Or prepare them to rejoin the earth, in whatever way that is. Doesn't have to be through casket burial. Can totally be through green and natural burial in biodegradable shrouds and caskets where they will literally be absorbed back into the earth, or through alkaline hydrolysis, where they're dissolved in water and the bones made into ashes for the family to hold onto. The liquid remains then can be disposed of through various ways. I'd love for mine to provide nutrients for trees and plants. Preferably durian trees.

JUST SAYING, THERE ARE OPTIONS. You don't have to pay like 15-30k for a whole funeral + burial, sweetie. You just don't. You can if that's what you want, but there are options.

Speaking of... my friend T.K. gifted me this cute game called a Mortician's Tale. I LOVED IT SO MUCH. It was like a little comprehensive course kinda? Of what goes on at a funeral home while you play the role of a mortician. Obvs. A lot of the little side stories and stuff that I read reminded me a lot of the books I'd read by Caitlin Doughty. It was so charming, I love it so so much. A short little point and click game with some simulation stuff. I can see why it has mixed reviews on Steam, because this honestly is for .... people like me. lol. This goes into the role of what you'll meet with in the industry, and I wanna do that. So for me, it was perfect. For others... I can understand the less than great reviews.

Actually, one of the things that stayed with me the most from this game that opened my eyes a lot was... well. Look at the first screenshot.

Woooow! Wow wow wow! Soooo many people!

Such a.. such a big funeral, makes me nervous.

We are making a new action adventure game.

It's spooky.

jk.

There are a lot of people though. Bereaved loved ones show up to pay respects. Each npc had a fond memory to share, or dialog that corresponded with grief and their relationship to the decendent.

And then I had another body that I had to prepare. This body was unclaimed. One of countless cases. Older gentleman. The dialog for him was that it was likely he was a homeless man.

Going into the parlor hit me different. It was just my character there to pay respects to this make-believe dead person. I felt guilt, and a pang of sadness kinda welled up. Out of all of the jobs presented to you in the game, this one stayed with me. My resolve for wanting to pursue this career strengthened further. It's that deep. People become forgotten, and they leave this world having felt just as much fear, regret, sadness, and hurt as those who aren't. It's like this dude in Coco.

The unforgettable Chich, who had been forgotten. Fuck, this scene made me bawl my eyes out.

Anyway... yeah. The fact that my character was the only one there to send this dude off was like... ow :( I wish they had someone else, too. You know?

Once I finished the game, the credits made me smile. I was totally right.

There she is, Caitlin Doughty.

If you're reading this, thank you so much T.K! Was probably a little nothing when you saw it, but it actually made a remarkable impact on me, to which I'm grateful for :D

To close... that begs the question then. Do I believe in ghosts?

I want to. I really do. I have the belief that ... energies exist, and are undeniable. We feel them all the time, whether we walk into a room, or are just sitting next to someone, there are energies there that can be felt. Vibes. And sometimes, there are energies that are felt when someone is not there. Whether that's just us and our bodies reacting to our own fears and insecurities within an environment is totally debatable, but point stands.

As far as entities go.... I don't believe in them :( I want to, but deep in my heart... I know that I don't. I think that places can be heavily charged with energies that linger, whatever that means.

Example: Chicken and I went to a cemetery in Centralia, Pennsylvania while visiting my parents. We were there to see the remnants of the old mining town that inspired the Silent Hill movie. I wrote about it. But while we were on our way to the car, I noticed an opening on the other side of the road, and wanted to check it out. Across a large clearing, there was a bunch of dead brush that I wanted to explore, because there seemed to be some fencing there. But when we saw what it was, Chicken refused. And I, giddy with enthusiasm to investigate, trotted in anyway. It looked like this.

There were 2 cemeteries. One large one was next to the landmark we were visiting. This one was tiny, and hidden away behind a clearing. The day that we went, it wasn't foggy like this, but there was an ominousness about it that lured me in. The atmosphere beyond the gates felt heavy, but I, as respectfully and humbly as I could emanate, walked onto the path, while Chicken lingered outside the gates, nervous as ever.

It's worth noting that Chicken does not believe in ghosts either. But he also respects what he doesn't understand, and ers to the side of cautiousness, that I in turn devour with curious abandon.

I trot down the path, one path, all the way to the other end, and then back towards the gate when I notice a gravestone that caught my attention a little further back off the path. You can see it in this picture. In between the gates, There are 5 Stones left to right. The 4th one back. I walked towards it to read what it said. Chicken immediately whispers loudly, Do not step on the grass! Go back to the path please! I call out trying to calm him, I just wanna read what it says. He tells me again, no please don't step on the grass. I can see him becoming worried, so I slowly walk back towards the path and look at him with a :(im sorry i scared you  kinda face. Immediately, I'll never forget this... a strong ass gust of wind blows from behind me, as if pushing me towards the gate. Like, it was all around me, and it was.. like... a big wind lol. Idk how else to describe it. Like a really windy day, out of nowhere, towards the gate. It took me by surprise because it wasn't windy before? Or maybe we hadn't noticed, idk. But then I said out loud "I'm sorry, okay I hear you. I'm leaving. I'm sorry." Chicken's face.... oh man. He was upset lol. I reached him and he just sternly looked at me like a child that just fucked up, and said lets go. I could feel how tense he was.

The next day, we had fevers of 103. Both of us. Lasted throughout the weekend and calmed down by Monday.

I can't imagine what made us sick, as we didn't go anywhere else that day. Just visited the landmark, drove around the remains of Centralia a bit, and visited the cemetery before going home. Weirdest fucking coincidence in my life lol. I'm glad I wasn't alone though. Otherwise I probably would've felt crazy. But he was there, he saw it all. Doesn't stop my wanderlust for exploring places with heavy energies but that one shook me a little bit.

So yeah. That's where I stand with stuff. Kind of how I feel about death and ghosts and I guess... the industry surrounding death.

Something happened recently that made me feel like... if I died, and if my spirit felt unrest and wanted revenge, I'd go after this person. I can't talk about it right now. But like many other women, I fit the trope. There's one particular 4 year old regret that haunts me to this day. But through it, I'm embracing my humanity, as well as my ability to cultivate strength and courage, and not see myself forfeit to torment.

A lot is intertwined. I feel a lot. Like, yeah I'm calculating and can be cold when it comes to certain things, but that's attributed to my curiosity. I like gathering context and factors before coming to a conclusion I feel sufficiently addresses whatever. I have to disassociate in order to understand what I'm looking at first, like duh. But when things unravel and they're inhumane... like the most primal root of the word, I feel gutted. It's like... the extreme opposite end of my emotional polarity. I excel at disassociation, which also makes me feel very, very deeply. For ghosts. For animals. For robots. For children. For victims of abuse. For pretty much any being that unwittingly and unwillingly forfeited their autonomy at the mercy of the most abhorrent facets of hedonism.

Ghosts earn their right to terrorize humans in my book. So respect them, respect the dead, and maybe reevaluate how to experience ghost movies ^_^

My dumpy attempt at old portraiture, but it just turned out to be cringy. I was trying to see if i could do the 20s make up thing and that weird look-yonder pose, but it's hard. It looks goofy.

Also, for what its worth, been getting a few compliments here and there about my nails.

They all should've broken off centuries ago, but I use this thing, Orly nail rescue kit. It's supposed to be for nail tears, but I use it for all of my nails as preventative care. Basically you brush on this nail glue formula, then dip your entire nail into this powder that I think is acrylic. I could look it up, but whatever. And it creates this layer on your nail that you then buff down. It reinforces your nails so that when you do accidently bump them and they bend, they won't break off. Like in the left photo. It bent a little when I bumped it, but could've been a lot worse. I swear by this product. It's great if you're trying to grow your nails out and keep em strong and protected.

Anyway this went on long enough. I'm gonna go make muhself a sangwich. hokaybye.