Add on

   When he strokes his fingers down your form and glides them over the ugly scars and the area where you've put on weight
looks you in the eyes after your make up has come off,
then goes on to kiss you with abandon,
overlooking every flaw you've ever damned about yourself that has bled into so many prior aspects of your day to day life...

It's nothing at all like my not wanting to be seen as I am in my own skin for fear of being put down again-- how that had bled out into my daily routine, losing motivation in all I did and not wanting to try anymore. Feeling ugly, gross, undesired, and seen as a chore.

I have been doing well- better on my own. But he has become an add-on to my life that has amplified my burst damage towards everything life has thrown so far. I just got hit with 3 bombs that could change my life drastically moving forward, depending on how things pan out with my family. I don't wanna talk about it, but it sucks.
Despite all that I look forward to things, and feel refreshed. I can't believe how much it's changed my outlook.
It's like... okay it's like I'm World of Warcraft, and I have my own UI, and I'm fine as I am. Like, I'm good. I do what I gotta do and it works, but then like Combustion Helper gets installed and suddenly I'm like... damn this is NICE. Like I know my rotations and when to go for the crit prompts, but CH just makes everything so much nicer, and I want to do better because I have this add on now that's enhancing what I already have, instead of telling me how shitty I am.

Best analogy ever?

Like I know I'm not shitty, far from it. Except when someone in particular either encourages that or deliberately belittles that, it can do a lot to you on an emotional level, which can manifest either really positively, or really negatively.

Climbing out of one side of the spectrum, to a neutral field, then finding myself in the completely opposite spectrum has done all kinds of wonky things to my self esteem. My cynicism has evolved into a Charizard, which undoubtedly tests his patience-- though he seems to have zero qualms with my constantly pushing him away. It's like I'll put walls up time and time again, and he's just like nope. He tells me to shut up, smiles at me, and goes in to exactly what I feared he wouldn't. Wall gone. I wonder how transparent I am to him. He says he can read me easily, and enjoys challenges? And like, leaderboards? I dunno, he's an achievement whore on XBOX 360 so.

I guess what it comes down to is... I'm seeing someone who has breathed a life into me that I thought I didn't want. Because of that, I feel better about everything else in my life. It's stupid, and cliche, but wow... it's a really nice feeling.
And like.. I hate my scars. And I gained 3 lbs again I think-- or at least that's what it looks like?  Or maybe I'm just bloated? idk-- he doesn't care! He still wants to hug me and be with me and kiss me and that's a big deal to me, lol.

That sounds really, really pathetic, but hey... until you've lived both ends of the spectrum... stfu. :P

While I've been here in Harrisburg I'd wake up in the middle of the night, like right now, it's 6AM, and he'd be awake and we'd have things.

I'd like to preserve these things because... they make me happy.

STFU.

  

a fortnight




I cannot wait to be in LA again.

PS: Don't worry... there's a ton of shit coming from the last 2 weeks!

Dined

      Wtf is romance? 

So like, in movies and stuff, I've seen guys do the whole wining and dining thing, where they dress up and go to fancy dinners for dates and stuff. I watched a lot of Sex and the City and I thought it was always kinda ... too much.  Then again I hadn't really like... done that. haha.
I think the fanciest place I've been to on a dinner date was maybe Olive Garden? Once was in high school and he worked part time, and planned it and stuff, it was really sweet.

Olive Garden was a thing, following that.

NO WAIT. Once, my friends and I went to the Blue Bayou in Disneyland. It wasn't a date though.
It was a pretty fancy place. The Pirates of the Carribbean ride was built around it, so the inside looks like a bayou by a river lit all pretty and all night time-y and stuff, and the boat thing would go by.

NO WAIT. Benihana. My high school sweetie's parents took me there for my 18th birthday. Wasn't very much a date, though.

Okay I think that's it.

hmm.

So like.

I was kidnapped two nights ago out of the blue, sort of.

He said he was taking me out to dinner. I was excited because Del Taco is delicious, or pizza or whatever. I dunno, I was hungry. On our way to there he says he was gonna take me somewhere else first before dinner, and I was like aight.

We were somewhere in Burbank, driving through the suburbs. The houses were beautifully decorated for Christmas all crazy like. And then we came to a street where there was a LOT of light coming from a house. As we closed in to park on the street my jaw was on the floor and my eyes all kinds of awed in wonderment and omfg'd.

There was a house... that looked like the North fucking Pole.
The first thing I said as we walked up the sidewalk to it was "their electric bill must be ridiculous"

You guise it was SO pretty. There was music playing and everything. I couldn't believe this shit.

It was amazing. I wish I could take my parents to see it. 

And then like two houses down was ANOTHER house that went all out.

Sorry for the shitty blurry pictures. It was cold out and I was shaking, lol.

Cars that drove down the street would stop in front of the houses and just stare in awe. There were a few bystanders just standing outside the houses watching as well. It felt like Christmas for a moment. Like Christmas back home in Pennsylvania. Where everything is covered in snow and lit all pretty and there's Christmas music playing and even though it's fucking cold out, you still have that warm feeling inside from how pretty it all is. It was impossible to be a Grinch, you guise. I tried.

So while I was still dragging my jaw across the pavement, we walked back to the car to get ready to "go to dinner" whatever the fuck that meant, lol.

On the way there I recalled some areas I recognized, still in Burbank, because of the few other times I had been there to see all the pretty scenic views and stuff. He kept driving up this curvy hill that was all pretty and had some Christmas lights on some of their signs. The curbs had red paint on them, I wasn't sure if that was a thing or if the neighborhood took Christmas that seriously because I had never seen red curbs in my life. We came up to a huge pretty mansion looking building with lots of plants and trees out front, kinda looked like a hotel, but was on the top of the hill we were driving up, overlooking the city. He stopped the car right in front of it and two men came up to the car-- I thought we were getting robbed. He grabbed his stuff and opened his door to get out, and I was like omg what's happening, are we here? I got out and they drove the car away to park it.

I will still never get used to valet parking. Every time I see it it's like...  a big deal to me. Even in Little Tokyo. Lauren told me that it's specifically valet when they get in your car and park your car for you and shit. I always think that that's a super nice thing. Like, a real luxury that people take for granted. Seriously, who the fuck is so damn busy in their life to not be able to park their own car that someone else has to come in and park it for you? Am I right? NO ONE. NO ONE IS THAT BUSY OR IMPORTANT. So... yeah. Valet parking. Respect. The little things, yo.


So we go inside and it's GORGEOUS.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. WHERE ARE WE. This is NOT Del Taco.

The hostess was super polite and friendly and smiley. And in the super nicest friendliest welcomiest voice ever she was like DO YOU HAVE A RESERVATION? I WAS LIKE DANG AM I CARRIE RIGHT NOW

We didn't, but it was dead. He gave them his name and they seated us in like 58 milliseconds.
It was sooooooooooo lovely inside. There were little mini dimly lit green lanterns on the tables, and she was like would you like to sit outside or inside? and he was like INSIDE CAN WE HAVE A WINDOW SEAT AND SHE WAS LIKE AIGHT.

We got a window seat and he was like look outside and I died. The view was absolutely retarded beautiful. I thought I was going to collapse.

The reflection ruins it a little bit that's the gist of it.

We were at the Cast Away.

Our waiter/server was really, really, really nice. Like I've never seen that kind of amazing niceness from a waiter/server. They brought us bread with stuff to dip it in just because. 

It was pretty dope.

 This was way too much for me, so I had to get a beer and bring it down a notch. I felt bad, but when you're sitting there and you're going "I can't.." in your head from being overwhelmed you panic, and then you get a beer that tastes like piss water.

I don't even like beer that much. I'd also never had a Heineken, and never will again. Usually I drink New Castle or Blue Moon because it has a pretty name. Teehee. Even still, I don't really drink unless the occasion calls for it. This fucking called for it.

WHATTHEFUKISTHIS

WHO PAYS THAT

WHO

TELL ME

He must've been enjoying my reactions to it all, I'm sure of it.

He got the vegetarian pasta primavera thing. I only remembered that because primavera means "spring" in Spanish. I got the ... seafood combination chow mein thing that had clams and half a lobster on it.

like, I can't.

 IT'S SO.... IT'S JUST... I CAN'T EAT IT.

IT'S KIND OF PRETTY

UGH THIS IS WEIRD

He devoured his plate, I ate almost all of it but couldn't down the last little pile of noodles gathered on my plate. The beer filled me up. I was determined to finish it, because fuck, but I couldn't. It was amazing though. Really really yummy. And the atmosphere. And the super nice people that work there were just omg, so nice. I mean I know it's their job but dayum, they were like REALLY nice. Should be noted! 

So we left stuffed and me in a coma caused by food and feels. 

Of course the drive back was a scenic one down the little hill and through Burbank and it's pretty lit up houses. The evening was wonderful. I couldn't thank him enough for the treat. 

God, I can't be thankful enough PERIOD for EVERYTHING that's happened the last portion of this year. Ridiculous! 

So yeah, I felt kinda like Carrie Bradshaw in some moments where I took it all in, and then mentally hacked it all back up like a scared cat, but then took it all in again and relaxed, rinse, repeat. 

It's hard to imagine that people do this all the time. Like... want to romance the other in old fashioned ways that don't seem practiced anymore. It's really, really, really nice.

Here's hoping that I can learn to fully take it in and appreciate it without feeling like a wet cat over the fact that it's happening to me, and that someone wants to do this for me. 

Because seriously a lot of times I'm just like 

 

Everything

       All of the updates--- sort of--  incoming!

The one that's rattled things a little bit around here isssss Rot and Josh's moving out into their own place to do boy things with their boy parts and their boy tendencies, while I acquire a new roomie here-- my other beloved Gemini; Lauren. :D

  Are you surprised it's her?

Basically, since Rot and I have been split for over a year now (yup, wasn't anyone's business) we figured it was best to live in different quarters.
He has one of my pink forks still :(
That's okay though because I have something of his still, too!

Stressful would be the mildest word to describe the entire process. We were on a deadline that rushed things, and there was a lot of miscommunication, and I thought I was going to go homeless, and 3 out of 4 people were financially ass fucked, and it was just insane. Fortunately, in the end everything worked out, lol. Lauren's stuff is finally all here. All that's left to do now is unpack and put everything away. She basically moved her entire apartment here, while I just moved to Josh's old room. I have significantly way less stuff, anyway.

Throughout the transfer of rooms Lauren and I had help, which was SO nice because it expedited the process that much more. The rooms needed to be painted, but that had to wait until Josh's old room was cleared, which had to wait until their apartment was ready, which had to wait on the maintenance guy. There was a lot of waiting on things. Josh was kind enough to pick up the paint that was used on the walls and said he'd return following day to paint his room. Instead, Lauren and I got there that night and told him we'd do it instead, let him get away from the place for a while, lol. He was running around like crazy doing everything, it was ridiculous!
So... then it occurred to me that having someone else, who was taller, and has balls, would be neat. But it couldn't be just anyone. Uh, ew, creepers. No.
It had to be someone who could appreciate my belongings, with all their geeky glory. Someone who could look at my things and go... damn, I'd give a nut for that. Someone who could look at my saber replica and get a boner from it.
It had to be someone who owns a Boba Fett helmet.

(some of) my room before.

Hauled EVERYTHING out.

Spread that dropcloth in Josh's old room like ... something spreadable, other than butter.

and got to work.

I had some extra shirts from the Newegg after party that I gave to Lauren and Fett to wear while we painted. They wore them proudly. 

I ended up with the little brush. 

Lauren got the roller, Fett got the angled brush for the edges because he just so happened to be vertically designed for doing so, aaaaaand we painted that shit.

The paint dried incredibly fast. So fast that we were able to put almost all of my shit in there, even my bed. I slept on some blankets in my old room so I wouldn't suffocate, but everything was in there. 

Of course I worked the next morning, lol.
The following evening we went to work on the other room. Painted that too, right after they spot painted the living room, while I hauled the last of my piled shit into my room, reorganizing things so that it was hospitable enough to house us in between breaks. 

I LOVE my room now. It's basically awesome. There are things I've wanted to do but couldn't before, but can now because it's miiiiiiiiiiiine!!! :D I'd show you but no. It's like a private upscale L.A. club... like the magic castle. Invitation only. HUE HUE HUE HUE

It's been made even more awesome because Lauren and Fett apparently both felt I didn't have enough collectors shit in my room, so they assisted in that.

BUT... we will get to that soon enough. 

Thanksgiving this year was sadly cut short, due to my work, who basically every year is the culprit of cutting seasons short for me, or just not allowing me to celebrate them period. I felt bad, because Lauren had to cut it short for my sake. We drove to the desert to celebrate it with her parents this year. It was very lovely, and they're both really awesome. Her dad reminds me of my dad, with his particular sense of humor that pokes at people. It made me miss home. I haven't spent a Thanksgiving with my own family in several years. It was really nice to be there, while it lasted. We spent the night there and woke up early to help prepare the meal. The drive back to L.A. is 2 hours, so we had to plan to leave early-ish because of traffic, and my having the work early in the morning the following day.

Lauren's momma made tons of yummy food, and I prepared Causa the evening prior, with Lauren assisting me. I would've taken photos, but out of respect for Lauren's family I did not, save for the delicious fruity breakfast I was given, and the meal on my plate. 

Nom nom! ^_^

I also saw my first road runner. They're tiny!!

It hauled ass across their back yard. Only saw a little glimpse of it. 

It was really great. I'm glad I was given the opportunity to be a part of that. Though my only regret is that Lauren couldn't spend more time with her family because of my own responsibilities. The even more amazing part is that I offered to drive there separately so we can leave at different times, but she wouldn't let me. She wanted us to be together throughout all of it, despite the unfortunate circumstances. She's so wonderful, I'm especially thankful to have her in my life.

It was the evening that we arrived back in L.A. that her room was painted, with the help of Fett. I think he was glad to have had an excuse to leave his Thanksgiving dinner early, lol. 

Josh brought us some of their leftovers the next day; his potato salad and Rotny's candied yams. I told him to take some of the causa I brought with me. It was nice. Rot's candied yams are nom noms. I'll bug him to make me some more at some point. JUST CUZ I CAN.

OH. I HAVE YOU TELL YOU GUISE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT BJ'S.

Okay so, 

Fett was like hey lets go eat this ice cream cookie thing at BJ's. 

And I was like alright.

So like, we went.

that Darth Vader shirt tho

Okay. You guys. I've never ever had to send back food before, in my life. 

And I just have to get this out of my system because they didn't do jack shit to remedy the situation.

This is BJ's, in Burbank.

I ordered the calamari rings appetizer thing, okay? 

Okay.

Fett got mozzarella sticks because he's a dick docker.

So like.

They bring out our food.

We're super nice to the guy-- he goes back.

I look down at my plate and see a long dark hair on the marinara sauce dish. Gross, but whatever. It happens. And it can't possibly be my hair because, hello, I have dreadlocks. So when the guy comes back I'm so so so nice and polite to him and let him know that there was a hair in my food. He takes it back, apologizing, and comes back a few minutes later. He hands me my plate, we thank him, yadda yadda, whatever. I look down at my plate, kinda disappointed that they didn't replace more, but whatever. As I go to grab a ring, I spot an EYELASH burned into one of the calamari rings. So I know it wasn't from me, because hi, I'm not a cook there.

I tell him again. There's another fucking hair in my food.

The manager comes over and asks me if I wanted something else instead, apologetic but still like... in this "ugh they had one job" mood. I was annoyed because there really wasn't anything else I wanted, but was hungry and went with this like flat pizza bread thing. 

I didn't finish it. But Fett and I devoured the ice cream cookie thing. It was delicious. The cookie was warm and they pour ice cream on top of it. 

When the check came I was surprised that they were still charging me for my plate. I left annoyed, vowing never to walk in there again. Not gonna lie, I left a shitty tip. I was quietly festering up ire towards the service there. Fett told me to calm my shit so I did, but it was still irritating.

A fucking long ass dark hair, and an eyelash. I was still nice to them, but I wish I hadn't been.

I've also gotten some really fun commissions lately. 

One of them was incredibly challenging. I didn't even know where start. Fortunately, my customer was so happy with it that he insisted on paying me more for it. This was awesome to hear, mostly over how happy he was with it.

 I was watching Buffy the whole time I worked on these, fyi.

Wiring was a bitch.

 Ready to bake.

 Now to sand, shade, detail, paint, and glaze.

Drying!

Final product :

I think it shows that I'm REALLY proud of the Big Daddy because I worked really hard to get him just right, simply because he's so much more intricate than my other pieces. He was challenging in a different way, because the Vault Boy took me a few tries just to replicate him as good as the original one I did, but still... the Big Daddy... I'm proud of him.

These last two were really fun. I love Pokemon and Star Wars so being able to manifest those two things was pretty awesome, especially the Vault Boy in an Ewok costume. They got creative on that one, lol.

Oh, okay so like one evening that Fett was here he hands me a bag from Disneyland because he's a dick and can go whenever he wants. 

IT'S FUCKING SALACIOUS CRUMB.

IT'S SALACIOUS CRUMB, YOU GUISE. IT'S SALACIOUS CRUMB.

STRADDLING MY SWORD. (hue hue hue hue)

I guess he felt I didn't have enough Star Wars shit in my room, so he brought me Salacious Crumb.

Who is now sitting on my sword, wearing a lovely black, lace bow. 

AND THEN LAUREN went to a premier for the Madoka Magica movie, since she's voiced Kyouko in the anime and brought me Madoka things, because she too suspected I didn't have enough Madoka Magica shit in my room, ironically showing in the image above (the two Charlotte charms I made).

 She got all this shit at the premier.

A big ass movie poster, a Kyubey mug and wallet thing, Charlotte stacky thing, and Charlotte in her caterpillar form window suction thingy.

I fucking LOVE Charlotte. She was telling me that Charlotte has a big part in the movie now and I almost shat myself. I showed you guys the charms I made of her a while back, but here. Look at them again because I LOVE HER

My Charlotte stacky things are now on my bookshelf, accenting the tentacle corner in company of the discontinued "Sweet Milk Pocky" box.

On the same shelf rests another lovely gift.

Lauren comes into my work a few days ago and goes "there's something on your car" with a sly little smirk on her face. Of course I look at her skeptically and go ".... a ticket?"

"nope."
"... bird poop?"
"nope."
"a flyer."
"na uh"
"a guy.."
"no wtf"

and it just kept going.
I was just about to leave work so she stayed until I clocked out.
We walked over to my car and this happened.

I'll leave it to your imagination.

Lol at the Travelodge pamphlet.

The rose now rests on the same shelf, dead as a doornail, just like Charlotte.

Looks cool though.

Also, my right eye got the herp, or something, because it's been two weeks since it got fucked somehow. I think my cornea got scratched or something. It's been red, and I've officially missed two days of work because of it. It's THAT gross. Thankfully it's not pink eye, we've established that. But it's also not just... nothing. I think it's finally clearing up though. I had to get super special drops for it which have helped aesthetically, but it still feels kinda shitty at times.

Vanna was awesome and offered me some antibiotics that she has because I guess her sister had something similar. I hope it doesn't come to the point where my eye is spewing pus everywhere... but I'm thankful for her offer. We'll see how it goes.

oh here's my face.

 

 kbye