Bothered

     It's been like 6 months, and something still bothers me, a lot. Last night I couldn't sleep until almost 5, my head was racing, and I was ... angry. I'm bothered.

Waking up and choosing to be unkind to someone out of the blue isn't something I want anywhere near my mental fortitude. It's not something I want, period. It's exhausting. I'm losing sleep over it. When it does happen, it follows behaviors that have overstepped boundaries and stuck with me.

I'm not sure if this will ever reach your eyes, but I have to get it out of my system, because it's bothering me keeping it to myself. My last correspondence to you was a mistaken text message with a horrific detail that you could've lived without. I promptly apologized for the mistake, and life kept going. After our well wishes to one another, the sea had calmed. This is coded for you; I think you were right. The whole time. I think I understand now what you saw and I did not.


There have been men that come into my life and have been angels. I will always advocate for you. And there have been men that come into my life and decide to be incomprehensibly inappropriate and willing to burn a bridge just to see how far they can go. In the last 2 years, it's now an average if 1 man per year to burn the bridge with inappropriate behavior. Men I knew personally. Trusted. Men I called friends who now are to me, repulsive creatures I don't care to associate with again.

I won't bring up the first one again, but this last occurrence from 6 months ago still boils. It happened in August. To my dear Coded, there was turbulence in our dynamic. The ultimate blame that was placed on me felt out of my hands, and so I left you. And it pains me that you weren't left once, but twice over. What's done is done. Following that, in attempts to sooth a broken soul, I stuck to my role as a friend to this man, to hear him out, and to listen.

He wanted to talk, vent, whatever. I suggested food and said I was going to check out Halloween stuff at a home goods. He met up with me there. I told my husband where I'd be and who I was going with.

I didn't dress up for him. I didn't put on make up. I was in pajamas, with a bare face, messy bun, and trying to be as unattractive to him as possible. Why I subconsciously felt I needed to do this to begin with should've made me reconsider. Alas, going out of my way to be as off-putting as possible, I wasn't expecting to feel him put his body so close up on my back, almost wrapping around me. Imagine you're browsing something and a man bigger than you comes up behind you, his whole body on your back, and he reaches his arm under yours, touching your waist and leans forward because.... he was putting something back on a merchandise hook. He made contact with your backside. Would you feel okay with that? Would you feel okay if your "friend" who knows your spouse, and you weren't ever into like that, did that to you?

I cannot fathom WHY he ever thought this was a good idea. I do not want to think about his motivation. The whole thing was repulsive. Disgusting. I never want to know what was going through is head. But suffice to say that he was incredibly and deliberately inappropriate. He was almost spooning me. Him doing that shit shattered everything- not just how I saw him but the reality that I ever saw him as a friend, and shut someone else out who probably got gaslit to hell and back, and I should've read more between the lines.

I didn't say anything in the moment. It was denial. I had so many questions racing through my head in that moment. I tried to brush it off, act cool like it didn't bother me. But it did bother me. And kept bothering me. So I sent him a curt messaged telling him how uncomfortable it made me and to cut it out with the affectionate treatment. I told him I didn't want to make a big thing of it, and that was me trying to minimize how much it affected me and salvage whatever shred of dignity that "friendship" had left. But the more I replayed it in my head, the more pissed off I got, and the more repulsed I became.

Let me make something crystal clear. My friends are very few. I like it that way. So when a friend does shit like this, it affects me. It's not just a disagreement, it's a violation and a monumental fucking disrespect. To me, to my husband, and to my fucking time on this planet. Our friends don't know, but in time they will. He likes to make impressions so much on people, this can be another he will have made on them.

Both of these men were invited to my wedding. I'm so SICK of men doing this shit.

I have one simple request: If there's ANY animal magnetism, get away from me. Do not touch me. Do not talk to me. Do not come anywhere near me. I don't want you in my life. Ever. There are so many girls whose whole shtick is to be lusted after. Go be their "friend". Not mine. You are not welcome.

I can't believe this shit still happened. Grown ass people still acting fucking STUPID. That monkey brain shit shut the door and that one liner "i'm so sorry! it won't happen again!" bullshit apology was just insulting.

So, to my Coded one, perhaps you were right. I'll never know. Albeit not mine and I stand by that, I understand the projection of your blame on me. Had I known this would've gone down like this, I would've happily cut him off much sooner.

I needed to get this out. I had to. Putting me in a bad mood for no reason. Ruining my sleep. Ugh. SO gross.

Sigh. No more.


So, meet Rupert

He's a blood clot I drew. He likes dancing the flamenco and is good at calling taxis.


This Saturday is going to be fun.


Take care. Be good to each other. Don't violate people or their space. Have a good day.

Hyuck

    It's a world of laugher, a world of tears. It's a world of eating without any fears. Now I sit in the park, as I scarf and scarf, while I'm writing a new post.

EHHTS A SMOL WORL AAAAAFTUR AWWL


Just kidding. But no really, I'm writing from Disneyland. I've become THAT person.

It's been a long-time goal to go somewhere that isn't the comfort of my desk to write. For someone like myself, that's an accomplishment. And I've found the perfect spot, right next to one of my favorite shacks in Fantasyland.

Man, I'm getting Disney fever bad. I was just here last Tuesday. And here's what that looked like.

Why? Genuinely, I missed it and just wanted to go. Mr. Chicken was working, as he is today, but I'm not sure if he would've even gone. I think he's a little Disney'd out.

But I said in the last post that I wanted get the Grey Stuff, and I went and got it. Girlies gotta manifest*
It was the last week to get the "Love Stuff" that was themed for Valentine's Day. I hadta.

There's also this really delicious (and bad for you) pretzel twist bread thing stuffed with melted garlic cream cheese, parmesan cheese, aioli, and paprika and it is DIVINE. The bread is warm and soft and chewy, and the cheese inside is pack full of flavor. It's like... Oktoberfest worthy. It's at the Edelweiss Snacks booth, which until just now (that I looked up the meaning of Edelweiss) I didn't realize meant "Noble White" in German. Ah, when something just makes sense like that, it's so satisfying lol.

And behind Edelweiss Snacks is where I've found my perfect writing spot that's facing the monorail track and a pretty view of the pond, lake thing that's here. 

So, was Love Stuff delicious? Yes. However, Disneyland was way too busy for my taste. I had arrived around 1:30ish. Made my way to Red Rose Tavern to grab dessert, was entirely too busy so walked over to Edelweiss Snacks area and found somewhere to sit to finish my dessert.

Dang Merida was setting up a few feet behind me so people kept coming through to stand in line. I watched Brave and remember nothing about it other than the bears being her brothers. Either way, I enjoyed my dessert. I probably looked like a creeper. That's fine. Then went and grabbed my Oktoby bread and got the hyuck out of Disneyland to make my way over to California Adventure.

Ah, that's better.

Crowds were significantly less. I saw Clarabelle's Ice Cream shop had a pineapple hard cider topped with pineapple sorbet and a slice of pineapple. Zero hesitation. Walked over to the pier where it was virtually empty.

Ahhhhhh...

Literally, no one here.

This is my ideal "going out."
I go out to a place that I like, and no one is there. And the sun isn't pissing off my skin because the clouds came to rescue me. Kinda felt like 2B walking into the theme park area. Just nothingness, except automatons.

Far off to my left was this super nice Disneygoer who approached me

Since I was taking selfies and photos of the area, this photographer approached me asking if I'd like my photos taken (for free!) She's a Disney photog for funsies and just enjoys it. I get it. I politely declined, but asked if I could capture her instead! I wish I had her business card but I lost it. And just like that I met another neato Disney photo goblin :D

JK, she's not a goblin. I am.

Something I realized the other night... I was telling Mr. Chicken how I'm likely returning this week to the parks, because I really like walking around; it gets my blood going and me out of the house. But why there? And that's when it hit me. I don't go on walks by myself anywhere else. I don't feel safe to do so anywhere else. And then I got sad LOL. Disneyland parks are the only places I feel safe enough to wander around by myself anymore. Maybe that's why I'm so comfortable going there alone. Disney security respond quicker than police. And I don't even wanna imagine what Disney Jail is like. 

I was there for maybe 3 hours before calling it a day. Took the tram back, totally chill. Came home, played Fallout to regen FP.

I'm not even upset that I'm utterly invested in New Vegas. Not sure how many hours, but it's probably a little bit gross. Also, I'm also not sure if this is something other players do, but it just makes sense for how my brain works.

I have notebooks full of these terminal word games. Whatever difficulty level they are, I still make a whole thing out of it. I'll write out all the words how they're displayed on the terminal, pick one word to click on, which is usually the wrong password, click all the little codes to clear out the duds, maybe refresh my tries if I'm lucky, and cross things out as I go along. Since it tells you how many letters in the word are correct, I'll diligently try to figure it out on my notebook before entering my guesses in the game. It's kinda extra, but I enjoy it. I kinda wish that there was a game with nothing but just these on it lol.

Was also inspired to start a new art thing! Also, w a r n i n g.
It's a perspective that I imagine when I'm working. I don't like talking about it but I'm gonna document stuff I'm proud of and this is one of them.
I get super focused and I swear I can see myself in like, the 3rd person or something lol. But it's work related with imagery of a type of state and condition that I sometimes come across. It's very sacred to me, and in the moment all I want is to make it right. This painting is a memento of those emotions that guide me through what I do, with some of the instruments that make it possible.

I cannot draw. Or paint. Angles, perspectives, lighting, movement - none of that makes sense through my hands unless it's 3D and I see it in front of me, which is why I like working with clay more. With a blank piece of paper, I can't fathom anything. So this isn't great, but it's my first watercolor painting and I happi.

No clue what I'm doing. I used art pose references of people laying down, and seeing them from the back, but nothing really was what I needed, so I did my best lmao.

It's very rare that I'll get inspired to draw anymore. I used to when I was much younger. But that kind of went away and I was fine with it.

The pink and orange splatters represent the fluids.
Those are the instruments I most often use.

I left things kind of unfinished, and at first I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted, but it is.

I'm not sure what else I'm gonna do, but I like the messiness of watercolors.

Here are Ophelia's beans as a palette cleanser.

Also, it's time to take a moment for this soup I make. 

It's the easiest soup to prepare, with so much flavor, and I wouldn't be who I a today without it going into my face.

K super quick: however many cups of water for starters will equal to tablespoons of stuff.

I made 4 cups. So I'll use 4 tablespoons of whatever. K.

4 cups h20
4 tbsp soy sauce
4 tbsp sweet mirin
4 tbsp dashi
4 tbsp sake
1 fat tbsp of miso paste
1 tbsp of garlic soy paste
1 tbsp of any spicy garlic chili oil

Fishballs. As many as you want
Thinly sliced beef or pork belly
Dumplings or gyoza. However many you want. Toss those hyuckers in there
A bundle of glass noodles

If you wanna add other stuff, go for it. I like daikon with shimeji and enoki mushrooms if I have any. Tofu works too. 

If glass noodles aren't your thing, just have this with rice. I'll take a bowl of this to work with a thing of rice on the side and it's HEAVEN. Or can just have it without noodles or rice on its own. Super yum. 

Mkay. Moving along.

I impulse bought a plushie I saw on twitter. No regrets.

Cinnamoroll, my beloved. I snuggle with it every night now. It's soft, and adorable, and squishy, and perfect. And it's ears are so floppy. It's everything I could ask for. 

And last night I rewatched this film. It's one of those older films, I think Gong Li is like 20 in it or something, but it's a comfort film. When I was taking Mandarin classes our instructor assigned us to watch this film and do a paper or something about it. Can watch the whole thing for free on YouToom.

Oh hay

And now we are here. In Disneyland. Again. It's getting colder.

The parking lot was empty when I got here, and the security line went smoothly. It's afternoon now, the crowds are growing. 

But I had to get the Green Stuff.

There is one good thing about the overwhelming amount of strollers. If there's something cool behind them there's a good chance people aren't going to get in your way.

Sigh. I had to cut my bangs. The longer they got, the more disheveled I looked and felt as a human being. Even now, they feel too long, but it's better. God, the eyebrows. So unruly. 

Dis me. I feel like Carrie Bradshaw. Perhaps this could be my Carrie Bradshaw arc. Actually no, she was unstable as hyuck. But I liked how she just took herself out to write. 

Whoa there's some parade thing going on right now. Lemme see if I can get photos. 

I can't. But I can see Genie, Merida (again)

And Pinocchio with Geppetto dancing to the music. Cute!

Time for California Adventure!

Love that the first thing I see when I walk in is Oswald's. Don't love that there's barely any Oswald merch. Color me a monochromatic surprised. I will wear the same Oswald hoodie until something better comes out.

Baymax balloons looked like a Souls boss. I followed it, passed it, and was followed by this amalgamation of gas and plastic for several minutes before it reset somewhere. Phew.

The path towards the pier was wiiiiild. There was a booth that was selling the Sip & Savor passes. Line went back all the way to 1928. I kept on walking and ended up at the pavilion way in the back. 

Aww, a woman just asked me where I got my Oswald ears and complimented my bag. Maaaan. So sweet. The ears are courtesy Mr. Chicken's coworker who brought them from Tokyo Disney. He's respected a little more over there, it would seem. I wanna visit when we go to Japan. I heard that Tokyo Disneysea is cool but it's not affiliated with Disney? It's some third party thing. Idk. I digress!!

When I got to the pavilion, I saw that there's a cute prickly pear lemonade mimosa! It's pink, and glittery, and comes with a flute. I NEED IT. 

This is my prickly pear redemption arc. The last time I hyucked with prickly pear, I ended up with one of the spines in the roof of my mouth. I kept thinking there was something lodged behind my front tooth and that I'd just swish it away or something. When I got to work, it started to sting, and I could move it kinda with my tongue. And then it started to really hurt. On my way to get something at another department, I asked someone I know if she could look up my mouth and tell me if she saw anyting LOL. She totally did!!! She said there was a huge red area that looked like it was bleeding from the inside. She said hold on and ran to get gloves. Other people showed up, there were maybe 3 and they all looked in my mouth trying to figure out how to get the spine out. Then we walked to visitation and asked if anyone had tweezers. One of the women there did! And she used to be a dental assistant lmaoooo, she she got gloves and went in there. Ultimately, they were unsuccessful. I told my partner and he said go home, get it out, and if you're up for it you can come back LOL. Soooo I drove home. Thankfully Mr. Chicken was working from home, or off. I can't remember. I told him what happened and he had me sit in his racing simulator chair and reclined it all the way back. I can't tell you how stupid and funny this all was. Dr. Chicken grabbed tweezers and went to work for a few minutes. He got it. I of course, took a picture of it, and went back to work and showed it to everyone. It was a good time. Btw this isn't the first time he'd have to extract a spine out of my gums. That's for another day.

SO. .That's my last experience with prickly pear. 

Well, not anymore!! Mwahaha!! It was really good. Light, yummy, refreshing, and pretty. And I have a new flute ^_^

Am writing by the wine area now. It's getting coooold. This is weird. I've never written so ... Reporting to you Live before. 

Anywho, I got the Sip & Savor pass.

This time, it's a digital one. There's a barcode on the back with a pin number you expose by removing the sticker. There are 2 options for passes this year: One has 4 items to claim, one has 8, all good for the participating food carts and locations during the festival. So far I've used up 3. I'm so full omg. It was that damn, delicious pretzel thing I ate earlier today T_T

The passport is cool, it tells you what all the carts have, where they are, and what participating areas have. Really useful, and kinda makes it like a treasure hunt. The first item I got was the Impossible Beef Stroganoff. Vegetarian or not, I love me savory beef stroganoff. It was really good!! I was happy with it. Def would recommend. After eating that though, I got kinda full. It doesn't look like a lot, but it was really filling. I continued wandering. 

So I realized that this time around, instead of ordering at the actual food cart you're hitting up, there are now separate areas where any and all food items at any food cart can be ordered. You'll be given a receipt with everything and you just go to the food cart pick up line. But hold onto the receipt, as cast members will cross out each item as you claim it.
The second item I got was the Grilled Top Sirloin. I'm probably still chewing it in another dimension. While the meat was overdone, flavors all paired well together. It came with mashed potatoes topped with this garlic, habanero spicy pesto sauce. SUPER tangy and flavorful. I really liked the flavors. Texture of the steak, not so much. Then I got in line to pick up my third and final item. 

This guy. The Cheeseburger Bao. It's uh, cold now lol. I'm so full. I feel like an asshole for getting it in the first place. I should've just waited to get it next time. But uh... it's fine. Nothing great. The dough is sweet. The inside doesn't really have any flavorful anything. I think it's all on the outside. Not impressed. Wouldn't recommend. 

And this concludes our post here at Too Many Srs IRL.

What does that even mean. It means exactly that. IRL gets too serious, stahp it.

K, I'm leaving. It's cold and I'm full and sleepy. I gotta figure out when we're coming back to use up the rest of my Sip & Savor pass lol. Oh yay it's rush hour!

 :D

Ah Wondercon is this month. Also have an embalming seminar that same weekend. HNNNNNNG I gotta finish my cosplay T_______T
Imma play Fallout lol bye