Out of so many wonderful memories, come the worst kinds of nostalgia.
I miss my parents. I long for them. For us to be together again. I miss my mom's tiny hugs. The way she'd smile up at me when I'd finally see her again after however long it was since we were together last. I remember her scent, her laughter, her gaze, her enthusiasm. Her cooking. Her kind and encouraging words. I think back on the lullaby she would hum to me while she cradled me in her arms. She's suffering so much. I can't bear it. There's no closure. And with the coming holidays, the courts will be closed soon...
She's so different now. It's like she's in this hell, and no matter what my dad and I tell her, she won't snap out of it. She says horrible, frightening things out of desperation. And she sobs uncontrollably.
It's not easy. It's not easy...
Coupled with that, I learned that under the guise of friendship, broken trust permeates with an agony that can leave one feeling nothing short of utterly helpless. I can't describe it. Other than, it hurts. A lot. Magnified by my already heavy heart.
And there's absolutely nothing I can do about any of that.
What I can try to do is reflect on the things that get me through each day. No matter how monotonous or seemingly insignificant.
I can reflect back on when I was partially blind for 13 hours, and fully blind for 48 hours there after. Eyesight, man. Go outside and look up at the clouds, watch the sunset, look at the stars at night. How lucky are you to be able to see these things? We don't appreciate something until it's gone-- this is so very true.
My schooling-- I'm grateful. My home, the roof over my head.
My job, I can support myself. It's hard for sure, but I can do it. I have that.
The people who genuinely care for me-- who have reached out to me. You extend a dying character trait so graciously to me because I mean something to you. I thank you, so much, for continuously seeking in me something I so often feel I lack. Thank you for showing it.
My computer works again.
I have an S7. That's incredible. Technology is alarmingly convenient.
The spanish and asian markets near me.
My Disneyland annual pass-- that's absolutely insane. How many people would give up so much just to spend a few hours in Disneyland?
I am able to attend various events and locations that I love deeply, in one of the most extravagant cities in America, and renowned cities in the world.
I live down the street from Blizzcon.
The adventures I've been able to take with loved ones and also on my own. And capturing those moments. and sharing them with you here.
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| JAYKID |
I'm grateful to have gotten this life. It's currently taxing, emotionally. It's testing me and my father in cruel ways. But we are here. And we only get this one.
Things, good and bad, cannot be helped. The best anyone can do for themselves is to take things as they come with the intention of learning from it, and growing.
May I introduce you to someone?
This is Mochi.
She's a little over 4 months old. We adopted each other.
I noticed her limping the other day, and as it got colder out, I thought about taking her in with me more and more.
After a few baths, some patience and TLC, she finally feels comfortable with me and comes when I beckon her.
She did not like to be touched, and wanted nothing to do with me.
That's all gone now.
She is my smol bean Mochi. And she couldn't have joined me at a better time.
Isn't she beautiful?
She's currently charging across my bed, pouncing the wrinkles in my sheets. It's really funny, I'm giggling like an idiot
And now she's biting my school binder damnit
So this Thanksgiving, I will be celebrating it with my new familiar :)
Just kidding, she doesn't take orders.
Oh she's doing the butt wiggle thing before pouncing absolutely nothing omg
This post wasn't really the second part to my last post, I'm sorry.
With tomorrow being a day of thanks (despite its origins), I wanted to take the time to reiterate how important it is to be grateful for the things you have.
Each day, no matter how shitty, is another chance to try again.
We exist, and we are so lucky for it.
We are here, experiencing this reality, feeling so many things, seeing incredible things happening before us, breathing this air that fucking trees make for us.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not an optimistic person AT ALL, and hippies freak me out. But it's my negativity and cynicism that drive me to want to look outside of myself because shit has gotten so fucking bad, that I've no where else to look except... outside of my own fucked reality. And laugh at it. And try to see other things. I don't want to suffocate in my own misery, or if I do, I want to be remembered by how not shitty I was. In general or to other people.
I'm still working on the hermit thing.
That's just how I am. I'm introverted, and quiet, and selective.
I don't have a ton of people who I'm super close with, but that's okay.
I'm a listener. Because being heard is so important sometimes, and that's all that people need to help mend or feel better.
I may go into recluse mode pretty heavily, but please know that this has zero relevance to my relationships here. I may need someone here and there, all I ask is to please be that for me if I need you. As this end of the year will be a challenge for me I've never before faced.
Can we all smile tomorrow, and be good to one another, and tell your loved ones you love them?
Hug them and kiss them, and hold them. Appreciate the time you have with them. Okay?
Eat lots of food! Do lots of fun shopping, and enjoy your time off work!
Mochi demands attention, and I have a long work day tomorrow.
Happy Thanksgiving!
The next post will be more fun, pinky sthwear :P
Also, buy bathroom air freshener, because you're gonna wanna be breathing that in instead of your cousin-in-law's shit smoke after he dumps a truck post-turkey coma