I'm about to humble myself into the ground. Out loud, I guess. There are several experiences in my life that I thought had challenged me towards the edge of sanity. All of which I'm grateful for - no doubt. However, there is nothing more transformative than having a baby. I'm convinced that having a baby is the real life equivalent of facing a Souls boss. Trauma be damned. Fears, you're dumb. Insecurities, go home you're boring. It's like I got so much exp from this one fight, with so many adds, that so much that had stained me prior is like, inconsequential. Nothing else matters except my family. Nothing.
So, that's what this post is gonna be about. It's been about a month since my last post here. Obviously much has changed. So lets talk about some of that.
When people say "pregnancy brain", it looks a little something like this;
From the countless times I've meticulously crafted espresso beverages... to that one time where I just don't put the filter on, and hit grind. Why? No idea. Didn't think of it, I guess. And that's... all the time. Just entire steps completely overseen or forgotten while still in the routine of it all. It's a debuff that really humbles a person.
My friends put on a baby shower for us.
It was similar to the get togethers we usually host, just cuter with lots of decor, mocktails, and mini games. The girlies came over the night before to set everything up. I couldn't believe everything they got to make this all happen. It was much more than I was expecting. The bar was LOW. I didn't even know if a baby shower was gonna be a thing, but they took the reigns and reached out to Mr. Chicken, and the rest is history.
Cris, Hannah, and Val, you guys are wonderful, so loving and supportive, and I was just happy to be able to walk lmao.
The turnout was great. Different brands of nerds all under one roof. So many people came together to love on the bean, and we are beyond thankful.
As much as I wanna blast all the photos from the baby shower, that's not gonna happen.
But it was a wonderful day, my mom made a ton of food, Mr. Chicken set everything up for guests, and Lifa tended to everyone with his delicious mocktails and spirits that kept peeps feeling cozy. There were desserts, mini games, prizes, and a beautiful arch background piece that was so cool, lol. I still can't believe how much the girlies did to make it all happen. It was all so beautiful. I can't thank them enough T_T
And everyone that contributed to Mung Bean's registry and brought gifts... Thank you, thank you, thank you. We're able to provide Mung Bean so much comfort because of everyone, and it's made a huge impact. Waaaah T_T
Following the baby shower, since it was around Halloween, I really wanted to do something with pumpkins.
Something cute. This was part of it.
omg, foreshadowing, ahaahaaaa.
It wasn't just carving pumpkins, it was for *cute* stuff.
He had to try it on. Very important.
It got dark way too fast, but basically I wanted to do a pumpkin head thing for us to start every year. He set up the camera and lights, and we had some fun with it, including my mom!
These came out cute uwu
We took sooo many. It was a lot of fun. Next year I'll aim to shoot earlier in the evening, perhaps somewhere else too. The little pumpkin represented Mung Bean, of course.
Hee hee
And for Halloween night, since this year we were kinda on standby because of how massive I was, I decided that I'd do one last costume to play in. Mr. Chicken wasn't too thrilled.
I was huge, deformed, and barely able to walk comfortably. What better costume than a monstrosity from Silent Hill 2? Sexy nurses be damned, I'm going for wifey material!
That's a little bit horrible all things considered, but my options were limited.
If that doesn't make sense, that monster is technically the protagonists' wife. A nightmare-ish manifestation of her in a body bag, writhing as if in pain. It's very Halloween. Very demure.
He got out the smoke machine and we did this whole thing, but again it was too dark out. It took me forever and a day to get this costume right. I lost count how many dye washes and bleaches and washer spin cycles this thing put me through. But shooting was fun. I got to put my pregger wobble to good use, and we got cute pics from it and a cute little video clip. Hehe
As the nation shifted into hating one another again, we shrugged into the unknown with wobbly confidence.
Not sure what's gonna happen, but that's also already happening day to day, in billions of lives all over the world. So we keep going.
And my mom prepared street food. :D
Anticuchos and choncholi!
It's marinated beef heart and small intestine, served with potatoes with a spicy cheese based dressing sauce. Soo yummyyy
Ophelia snuggles in the morning were more precious than I realized.
Her snuggles with us are slowly returning to normal. She's coming around again slowly as things around the house adjust. Patience is key :3
Navigating the world as a member of the Hutt species became taxing in ways that were more impressive than uncomfortable and painful, which were distracting 90% of the time.
The shift in weight distribution was gnarly. Hips, pelvis and spine be damned. Breathing got easier as the Bean descended, but that itself was crazy, physiologically speaking.
No one wanted me to drive anywhere. That was probably one of the biggest struggles for me. I couldn't really go anywhere without a chaperone or being driven. With my mom visiting, it made it difficult to distract ourselves outside of my... Hutt state. I wanted to go to a bunch of places with her, but everyone was too on edge about Mung Bean showing up any minute. I was too for a little bit, but kinda got over it.
To distract ourselves as the days came and went, we'd sit and play solitaire, lol.
I really wanted to take my mom out somewhere, so my MIL took us out and we had brunchie.
I miss brunchies. Never thought I'd say that, but here we are.
To keep herself busy, my mom would cook us a bunch of different meals.
As a member of the Hutt species, I felt it was necessary to document myself in the shirt I've been waiting to get for over two and half years.
Also I felt like a cute Hutt. Why that long? Well, when System Shock remake was announced, I was like omg I gotta back that. And I did. And purchased a shirt. I don't think I've ever gotten a physical thing from backing a project before... so I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Um, it took a while lol. I also have yet to put more time into System Shock because I was petty about not playing it until my shirt came in. Now that I have the shirt, I don't really have as much time to put into the game T_T.
I could, but I'd just get interrupted constantly. I think being interrupted is one of my biggest irks. Even writing this has been kind of an ugh thing because I knew going in, it wasn't going to be a straight shot. I started this about a week ago. Resuming feels like a chore each time.
BIRTH STORY | grooossssss
Anyway, so I'm gonna go into sort of stuff that happened. Skip if needed.
Like many expectant mothers, I had a *plan.
I'd been stuffing my head with as much information and prep for all of this, and vehemently was against enhancing anything [the process]. Basically; don't touch me - baby will do what baby will do and I'll deal.
My due date came, and at the appointment the midwife said something looked off in the ultrasound. She called in another doctor for a second opinion. Still not fantastic. She put in an order for me to go to our delivery hospital for another opinion, just in case I have to get admitted. Wasn't thrilled about that, but we head over there.
Also, our new car was getting delivered that afternoon. Mr. Chicken put that on hold while we sorted this out.
This other opinion became more involved than I expected. The obstetrician came in, did the ultrasound and was like yeah, that's kinda not great.
Nothing alarming, but not something that should be put off. So my plan to not get anything involved with Mung Bean's arrival was out the window. I had to get induced.
Real quick - I didn't want to get induced because it ultimately (usually, not always) cascades into a series of interventions that increase risk of lame stuff. You start one thing that needs another, then another, then oh no, that's gonna need X and because of X, next thing you know you're getting a c-section. Avoiding all this stuff was important to me, but Mung Bean didn't give a shit, apparently.
I had denied being checked for dilation 3 times by then, as well as a procedure called a membrane sweep because I just didn't think it was relevant or necessary. The membrane sweep thing also sounds horrible. Basically the OB or midwife feels the cervix, inserts a finger and sweeps along the walls to dislodge... stuff. It's supposed to accelerate labor, but it also risks the water breaking. Once the water breaks, you're on a timer to deliver. If baby doesn't come out within that time window... C-section! amongst multiple other interventions.
I'm of the opinion of... get the fuck out of here with all of that shit.
For induction... the OB suggested a pill. Misoprostol. I was like alright fine, doesn't sound too bad. What I didn't know was that it was going to be placed into my cervix. I didn't realize this until a nurse was like ALRIGHTY, READY? And I was like uhm tf?? She said I could also take it orally. Why this wasn't an option presented to me originally is... beyond me, but alright. What does this pill do? To my understanding, it's to help my cervix soften and allow for effacement. Sounds reasonable. Okay.
And that's how I was admitted. Which also meant IV fluids... that I couldn't reject due to liability with the hospital. Sigh.
This was my worst fear come true. I had to get it done twice. Why? I didn't know I had to just hold my wrist straight in mid air while she tracked this fat catheter with a whole ass porcupine quill into my vein that felt like the fires of Mordor eveloping my whole fucking soul. I hear her say "oh no..." and then "hold still, hold still" and I'm thinking I'M HOLDING MY WRIST UP IN MID AIR, WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, but instead, I'm crying and trying to not pass out from phobia and pain. Mr. Chicken is being as supportive as he can, I love him for this. But when she said "oh no" I knew it was a failure and I'd have to endure this whole thing again. It sucked a little less because she came back with a smaller needle, but at least that time I was able to rest my wrist on a flat surface.
Trynna blame me for that shit, I was pissed. Whatever.
I survived one of my worst fears from the hospital. That shit HURTS, btw.
Once officially admitted, I got sent to our room and they let my mom join us finally. It was just the three of us; Mr. Chicken, my mom, and me.
I fucking hated that IV. It was in my dominant hand because "dOnT mOvE, sToP mOvInG" but whatever. My mom being there was also a huge comfort. I hate hospitals.
Then it was just a waiting game, I guess. They put monitors on me to keep track of Mung Bean's vitals. Everything seemed to be going fine, considering I was told earlier that
ruh roh, you should get induced. Um, alright. Here I am. I thought things weren't chill?
I was pretty much bedridden, even though I wanted intermittent monitoring.
And I got this cool Fall Risk tag. Nice. I guess they wanted to see how Mung Bean would react to the induction. Ah, and then after maybe like 2 hours or something, I can't remember, they were like
OKAY PITOCIN TIME? :D
and I was like NO, I'M GOOD. :D.
Pitocin is something I was super against. Sigh. I didn't know too much about the pill, but I did know that Pitocin is a synthetic hormone that tricks the body into starting contractions... more often, and more intensely. It not only kick starts labor, it forcibly blasts your body into it. This makes labor horribly more painful, which usually leads to women begging for epidurals - another thing I wanted to avoid.
The epidural relives pain from the waist down (in the scenario that it does what it's supposed to and things go as planned). What it also does is super relaxes things. So much so that it can drop mine and Mung Bean's heart rate. And it can also slow down the progress of induction, which can lead to distressing the baby if contractions don't progress in cadence the body had fallen into. So all this shit can just blow up, right. Just some context on why I wanted to avoid stuff.
WELL. 30 hours into all of this, the contractions I was feeling were beyond any pain I've ever experienced in my life or thought imaginable. Like. Unreal. Like, there's no way it gets worse than this. I could feel them come on and gradually intensify over the course of the time after I took the pill, but there was a time where the contractions were like 3 minutes apart or something like that and everything SUCKED. A doctor that came in coached Mr. Chicken on how to help with pain relief. He'd get behind me and press my hips at the sides in with all his might while I huffed and snuffed through the agony.
Like, I remember how painful breaking my foot was. And I thought that was bad. No. No.. this was worse.
Every time I felt a contraction come on, life sucked. Utterly. But Mr. Chicken was there instantly to help. It especially sucked when I had to go to the bathroom. I had mere moments to relieve myself before another contraction had me squatting on the floor, gasping. Eventually, I agreed to getting cervical checks. I knew it wasn't gonna tell me much, but I didn't care anymore. The only thing that sucked was that they had to check me between contractions. I was terrified of the pain.
A cervical check is when the OB checks the cervix manually to see how soft, dilated, thinned out, and forward facing it is. It sucks ass. Terribly uncomfortable and painful. And pretty much useless information. But they wanted to see how the pill was working on my cervix.
At the peak of the contractions where I couldn't take it anymore, I wasn't even halfway ready to go yet. I couldn't rest, nap or sleep. It was an endless gauntlet of agony, wave after wave, yet so early on. It didn't feel right. There was no way I could tolerate this until my body was where it needed to be to bring Mung Bean. No damned way. I'd die. In my exhaustion and desperation, the epidural sounded more and more appealing. This decision came after trying to champion through the contractions over a few hours with 3 different doses of fentanyl in my IV. It did fuck all for 5 minutes, and the contractions would come back stronger and worse. Through gasps and tears, I told Mr. Chicken I couldn't do it anymore, I was exhausted. My mom would endearingly and lovingly coo words of encouragement through each wave, as would Mr. Chicken, but they were too strong.
It was like... the Potion Seller were my contractions, and I was the traveler going into battle. They were too strong for me.
The nurse called for the anesthesiologist. He seemed chill. I averted my eyes from his kit while the nurse coached me into position and what was gonna happen. Terrified, I asked her what if another contraction came while he was installing the needle? She was like, don't worry I'll coach you through it but you cannot move, and I was like roflmao alright. I was TERRIFIED of the contraction that could potentially have me writhing and mess everything up. It was the first time in my life that a huge needle being stabbed into me didn't send me into an orbital psychological traumatic panic.
I was afraid, but he told me what he was doing every step. From cleaning my back, mapping where the needle would go, the numbing injection, and finally the insertion of the... tap. Thingie. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. The numbing was a small pinch, to my surprise. The insertion of the epidural was admittedly uncomfortable with a metallic-like burn as it navigated through my spine. It was tolerable, and there was pressure, but it did have a yucky sensation. But he was swift, and it was secured, taped down, and finished in like 8 minutes since he set up and finished.
They said give it 15 minutes or so for it to really kick in, but once I started to settle back into the bed I could feel my legs getting heavier. First the left side, and then the right. I also felt a contraction that was about to come in and braced myself, but then... no pain. Just muted pressure. I couldn't believe the relief I was in. In my most desperate time I made the decision to go through with the epidural, and even with my petty, judgmental, bitchy, self-righteous bullshit reservations, I felt that it was the correct choice (in that moment). And I was like, damn I deeply humbled myself.
Well, I got to finally sleep for a few hours. We all got to. But, I'd say for pain management without the epidural, the best route to go is controlled breathing if you're trying to stick to natural methods. I was way out of my league though.
Spoiler, that fucking pill did the same thing pitocin does. That fucking pill blasted me into having intense contractions, not just softening my cervix. I didn't realize this because I'm kinda dumb and thought only pitocin did that. So... that realization came later, but it explains why the pain was astronomically ass.
So what happened after that? Well, I got some rest and woke up a few hours later to a nurse checking in for another cervical check. Surely, things have moved along!
Nope. Not much progress. Weird, because I THOUGHT THAT'S WHY I WAS INDUCED, but alright. They then suggested pitocin. By that point I was like, fine. I can't feel anything, FINE. YOU WIN. They also asked if they could break my water- it may help move things along. I said fine. Fuck it all, fine. Goddamnit. I was in the deep of it. The induction storm. One fucking thing after another. Oh, also because I got the epidural, I had to get the catheter put in because I couldn't walk. Not having to think about peeing or getting up to pee was admittedly nice, but still.
So alright. Went from the pill, which did little except put me in excruciating pain, fentanyl drip, to getting the epidural, my water broken, and the pitocin drip. Everything was streamlining exactly how I thought it would with an induction. They kept monitoring Mung Bean, and just as expected, the epidural slowed down my contractions. They were coming further apart. And! Mung Bean's heart rate would dip in response to the contractions now and then, which would start to cause alarm and urgency.
WOW, I WONDER HOW THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED. I HAVE NO IDEA.
When they told me what was going on, I was like, This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. And they were like, yeah unfortunately there are risks with every procedure, and I wanted to rip my eyes out and roll them across the floor.
The whole reason I was induced was because the ultrasound showed that my amniotic fluid was low. There wasn't any further explanation than that. And now we're here.
By this point, the dips were getting a little more constant, and urgency was slowly growing. Mung Bean was generally stable, so there wasn't any alarm, but the ruh roh was still there. So guess what they were encouraging next. Just guess.
C
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A
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E
A
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C
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I
O
N
W
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I was like, HAUOHNG?? NANI? WHY. NO. AT LEAST NOT YET. TF?? FOR WHAT?
Basically, at the slower rate that the contractions were going, the slower my dilation became. Mung Bean's response to them slowing down enough could eventually lead to distressing baby, and the time window with the water breaking... a cesarean may be the best chance to deliver if the heart rate continues to dip. I was like, rofl is Mung Bean stable? Healthy? They said
yeah, totally fine. But the doctor that performs the surgery leaves at like 7am or whatever the fuck, so we have a few hours to decide. I was like, on the verge of table flipping the bed while on it, because they were really pushing this c-section. I insisted I rather wait out the few hours and see what happens before resorting to surgery. Mr. Chicken was there asking questions as well, with some pushback, but we both were like, um no we're gonna wait. The doctor said alright, that's cool. And then the nurse and doc came back in and were kinda pacing for a bit, then the nurse goes okay we're gonna wait but just to get things ready, I'm gonna have you sign this consent form for a c-section ok. I was like
L O L N O OKThe fuck? Did you not just--- are we not in the same dimension? Where it was just established that I wasn't gonna do that? She was like,
oh we do this just in case so everything is ready to go if we have to go that direction. I was like that's so fantastic, I'm not signing it. There was a little bit of back and forth, but the consent form got put away finally. That wasn't all. Then the nurse came back and was like,
Is it alright if I [prep] you for the c-section?
This was so like, god. STFU about the c-section. I gave her that one just to get them to go away and let me sleep.
I shit you not, the day nurse said there were 4 c-sections earlier that day. I seriously, with every fiber of my being, hope they were absolutely necessary and not situations like mine where they were totally ready to cut me open despite everything being stable.
It's not easy to say "No" to a health care provider. They'll keep coming at you and it gets exhausting. Especially during this core memory event where you're already exhausted and scared, so you kinda wanna just leave it to someone else to take care of everything for you- and I totally understand. But I wasn't gonna let that shit happen for no reason.
Why was I so against a c-section? I'm not. What I'm against is undergoing surgery that isn't necessary under the pretense of fear. I don't give a shit if the doctor performing them is leaving. I'm not sure why that was even brought up to me, like I'm supposed to give a shit. A c-section is a major surgery with way more risks. Fuck outta here. Anyway, I'm talking in circles. So, that gets settled. They leave, we go to sleep.
I wake up to the nurse and doctor and some other nurse coming into my room and the doc goes, time to check your cervix! This time she was like, you're 10 cm dilated! Totally good to start pushing! I was like...
forreal?
After all that?
Are you fucking kidding me? Mung Bean wasn't in distress. Heart rate was fine. My body was still contracting and ready to eject. So they directed me to push when I felt the pressure of a contraction, and I did.
30 minutes later, Mung Bean arrived.
Man. I was elated, crying, happy, fulfilled, and PISSED. Imagine if I had agreed to the c-section. For what. Mung Bean was safe, there wasn't ever really anything alarming throughout the time I was there.
The bumps we ran into were literally the results of the interventions. But, Mung Bean was there. What was cool is they set up a mirror so I could see everything. Mr. Chicken and my mom watched in awe.
Mr. Chicken didn't pass out and cut the cord. He was there advocating for me the whole time, also asking questions. I fell in love with him all over again. And watching him talk to Mung Bean in Taiwanese was like... a fever dream. A beautiful, amazing fever dream.
I say fever dream because while I held Mung Bean, apparently the doctor was arm deep in Mung Bean's old residence and scraping things out. I didn't realize this at the time because I was holding Mung Bean, but I saw a video of this happening to another mom and she was screaming bloody murder, captioning that that hurt worse than delivering her baby. I was grateful for the epidural because I felt none of it. The whole thing is so barbaric and invasive. They didn't even tell me that that was happening. They just went in and did it. My mom did say there was a lot of bleeding, so perhaps that's why urgency took priority? I do know that a lot of bleeding can mean trouble for me, so fine. But still. Damn.
Mr. Chicken also took the placenta and placed it in our disposable cooler. That's gamer fuel right there.
What a ride.
That was the most Soulslike thing I've ever done.
Later on, I looked up the effects of that pill, and found out that the pill wrecks you. No one bothered to tell me that part. :)
But here I am to tell you, that pill will fuck you up. You will want to get knocked tf out from the pain. 30 hours of that shit until I couldn't take it anymore. And I was, I think, barely halfway ready to go. Nah.
Anyway, Mung Bean arrived totally healthy. She chilled with us for a bit before we got transferred to another room. That was fun.
They didn't bother to tell us that I could only have 1 guest stay over instead of 2. So at like 12:30am while we're all sleeping, the night shift post partum nurse comes in, turns on the lights and goes "you're only allowed one guest here." Uh... GOOD MORNING TO YOU, TOO?
We were here all evening, when someone could've told us ahead of time, but no one decided to give us a heads up. So Mr. Chicken had to drive my mom home at 1am from the hospital and come back. I complained, lmao.
I felt bad because my mom wanted to stay by my side throughout the entire thing, but Mr. Chicken and I also have to adjust to never sleeping ever again. She understood, but it was still bitter having to send her away, especially at that time. I was pissed.
The meals I got were fine.
There was like salmon, and chicken, and for breakfast you had a choice of like eggs or waffles. You can't eat during labor though. I think it's because of the epidural and you potentially puking it all back up. Don't quote me though.
The last morning that we were there, we were brought a celebratory meal with sparkling cider.
This was a celebration for the new car, too lol. But we did it. I did it. My support team meant the world to me. It's gotta suck to see someone in pain the way they had to watch me wanna pass out like that, but their presence helped so, so much. Especially Mr. Chicken. He knew just when to jump in, for everything. Like we sync'd up and... ugh. He was amazing. He was by my side the whole time to bring Mung Bean here. As was my mom. I'm so lucky to have them both.
The stay there, outside of the goofy shit, was pretty good. The nurses were attentive, generally friendly and stayed on top of things really well. Too well. But we were glad to be on our way home. Some things towards the end of our stay were super confusing, but I don't even wanna think about that. We were done. And Mr. Chicken had, at one point, gone back home to get the new car, and that's what we went home in. :D
The first night home was a nightmare. There are some things you just learn from crying and living through it. There's a cadence now that we've picked up on. It gets better. But those first few nights are brutal.
It definitely got better when a package came in the mail a few days after we were home. It came at the right time, because I was in the deep of I think some post-partum blues.
It was a package from Ms. Amanda King, better known as @AMEK_graphics. She had asked me for my address and I thought waaaah she's so sweet, it's gonna be this little thing, I lvoe her omg.
No. It was a huge, massive, gigantic thing. She had set up a thing online where other funeral practitioners could contribute towards Mung Bean's arrival and journey here. She said she hid her stories from me LOL. Other embalmer moms wrote to us and Amanda lovingly hand wrote every note out for us to read and have as tangible memoirs. There were so many gifts for Mung Bean from her and several others in our profession who've had babies and know the struggle.
Dude, Amanda was one of my first inspirations as an embalmer and a mom.
I didn't think there'd be room for me in death care if I wanted to be a mom. Part of that was an interview question at a family owned mortuary I worked at, but that's neither here nor there. Amanda's ig popped up on my feed and I saw her, a mom, later on with a baby bump in full PPE gear, and I was like, that's gonna be me.
Going through these messages and all of the wonderful gifts inside that package brought me to tears. It's a very personal thing. I chose to follow my dream career, and then chose to start a family, and for others who've been down the same path to come together with such beautiful encouragement is indescribable. It's like.... if Captain Planet's heart element was like, real. That's what it felt like. Waaaahh.
Thank you Amanda and everyone who contributed. Those cards are precious, especially through the times when I'm on the verge of another meltdown. T____T
So how've I been?
Eh. I was extremely stressed out over paperwork with maternity leave stuff, but it all got sorted out eventually. There's also other stuff outside of baby that's happening with my family that had (still kinda does) me extremely stressed. Totally out of my control, but the guilt doesn't help. Feels like the days go by too fast with the extra stuff happening that I don't get to enjoy just being brainless with Mung Bean. So that's been hard. The hormones don't mess around, either. I feel like they exacerbate the stress around the external issues. Mr. Chicken has been wonderful about grounding me though. He's probably just as exhausted, but he keeps me from losing it.
There may be some TMI stuff, but I don't care lol. I've felt utter agony, the shame has died.
90% of the time, I spend in our bedroom.
I was also stressed about not being able to produce enough to feed Mung Bean. And also because Mung Bean absolutely wrecked me when we attempted nursing at the hospital. Supplementing with formula was a necessity until I healed enough to see a consultant. I was also using the pumps given to me by the hospital, and one from my coworker who generously donated to us. Kinda daunting, and depressing, but as progress showed itself, things became more cadenced. And as I said, we fell into a rhythm of stuff. Even through chaos, a rhythm can be kept with enough guessing. The most grey area Hell in my eyes, but we had to make it work.
TMI | IF YOU WANNA KNOW ABOUT CARING FOR YOUR WRECKED JUNK, POST-PARTUM
I wasn't ready. The trauma is real, lmao. While the hospital gave me stuff to use, I also had stuff at home to bring with me each visit to the bathroom. Like, every time.
There are some expecting moms that I wanna throw this at, so go ahead and skip.
It's painful and all kinds of messed up during recovery, and each bathroom visit is a little bit of a bad time. Make it less of a bad time by bringing everything you need with you in a little basket!
Must-haves for me after a vaginal delivery: Peri-bottle, witch hazel cooling pads, and dermoplast (hospital provided). If you have to pick, it's those three.
The peri-bottle is great because you're able to have a controlled bidet. The hospital provides a ketchup bottle-looking one. It's fine but it doesn't reach as efficiently. We have bidets at home already, but trust when I say they're too strong.
What's gonna happen is you're gonna want disposable underwear, post-partum pads, and you're gonna layer stuff for relief on the pad.
Those grey things are the disposable boy shorts. The pink things are the pads. The light pink bottle is a foam with witch hazel that's supposed to be cooling and encourages healing. I went without it at the hospital and it didn't seem to make a difference for me, but I still used it.
These cooling liners were alright. I could've gone without them, but again, doesn't hurt. The TUCKS medicated cooling pads are my favorite. The hospital provided a 50 pack. Mr. Chicken ordered more. But 100%, the medicated pads are my go-to.
So:
Rinse, pat dry, wince in pain, spray dermoplast
On the pad, layer cooling liner, foam, cooling pads (i used 2). Every time. Good luck not spilling all of your hard work. When achieved, you can go about your exhausting day while ignoring the trauma on your body for another couple hours before it's time to do it all over again. :)
Give yourself 15 minutes in the bathroom every time. You wanna be thorough.
Mr. Chicken went out for errands and came back with happies for me. However, I wasn't able to eat it all because time kind of melts through your fingers and suddenly you're wanting to sleep and where did the last 48 hours go? But boba drinks will always have a healing effect on the psyche. Very important.
Ahh, yes. Breast milk.
There's a joke somewhere in here about
a gym bro Blizzard employee stealing breast milk from the break room fridge.but I mean, what kind of gains was this guy really getting ever if he had to steal mommy milk instead of sourcing it from his own waifu?
Sounds like incel, unbreedable, monkey-brain shit to me.
There's the joke.
That guy is the joke.
His whole existence is the joke.
Haha :D
Also, gamer fuel! So I mentioned that earlier...
While placenta encapsulation isn't 100% proven to be the cure all to everything, it's still pretty metal to eat my own organ. So I found this place that does it, in addition to making some optional art from my placenta (it gets stamped and made into a print) and Mung Bean's cord gets molded and plated as a keepsake. I've no regrets.
Aaaaand recently, Blizz sent a little care package for Mung Bean!
Despite the most fucked up things that came out of the bad people that have been there, there are many, many good people at Blizz, too. Had I never worked there, I wouldn't have met Mr. Chicken and fallen in love with him. So, I am forever talking shit, but eternally grateful for Blizzard at the same time. I don't hate or have any disdain towards Blizzard. I just don't understand wtf - yes I do, but I just don't understand like, decisions.
What about Ophelia? Ah, yes. Our resident feline and eldest baby.
She's much more cuddly than she used to be.
She kinda took me by surprise. Frankly, I thought she'd react a little more... negatively or even hostile to Mung Bean's arrival. But she mostly just avoided baby until recently. Now Ophelia sleeps on our bed again near the bassinet. We just kinda let her do her own thing while still giving her pets and loves, and it worked out well. She hasn't approached Mung Bean except to get some sniffs in, then backs away. She also has free reign to walk around the edge of the bassinet and take in as much scent as she needs to.
I feel like pet owners can be quick to bar their fur babies from getting to know baby at an appropriate pace, which leaves room for insecurity and weird territorial reactions because, *surprise* they didn't get properly acquainted with the new squirmy thing that hoomans brought home all of a sudden. So all this to say; everything is fine with the eldest and the baby. :)
Because she's not going anywhere LMAOOO
So we're here now. How have things been up until this point? Well, Mr. Chicken put it pretty well, "feels like we've been awake all week, but it's only Tuesday."
And
"It's like playing charades and guessing everything wrong"
In spite of that, seeing, and holding and snuggling Mung Bean... and the little faces and the cries and everything that comes with it all ... I love it. It challenges me, but it's Mung Bean's only way of communicating with us, and it's temporary, and being this tiny won't last forever. So I'm taking it in as gracefully as I am able. We're very fortunate to have the help we do with our parents, definitely makes it easier to catch up on much needed naps, but Mung Bean has transformed me forever. Both of us.
We made a little hooman together. Who will grow with a furry sibling. We had and have the immeasurable support from our families, friends and colleagues. Even Disneyland called it during Lunar New Year. This little Mung Bean is very special and will gain fortitude from all directions. This is the greatest Souls boss I have ever taken on. I'm exhausted, stretched thin, kinda on the edge of sanity, and so so so in love.
With that, I end this post. It took me almost a week to get this done. Not because it's long, but just because of the pauses I had to take. I'm especially excited because ... we have peppermint whipped cream, and I just had a hot chocolate that I dressed with candy canes. It was delicious. We also have eggnog. So I'm gonna go play with that.
I hope this post gives some smiles or insight into uncertainties. Everything in the grand scheme of things is cool, and I'm just thankful for my family and being alive another day.
Happy December. Layer some comfy clothes and drink some yummy drinks. When in doubt, think of the Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2. Imma cosplay her one day. She's beautiful.
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