Durian...?

  WHAT DAY IS IT
The days blur together. They do this when I'm unemployed, and also when I'm working and running around doing all of the things. Days... STAHP IT.

It's Sunday night now. Which means... class tomorrow. It's also the first of the month. Which means... the day after will be March 2... which means... 

MY BELOVED HU TAO WILL GO LIVE and she'll get her own banner and and and ... I'm more excited for her than anything else. I've been saving up for her and I just.... sigh. I JUST WANT HER. And Qiqi but.. I'll be happy with Hu Tao.

Context: Playable character in Genshin Impact who is a funeral director for the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. She wants to bury Qiqi because Qiqi is a jiangshi. Qiqi dislikes Hu Tao. Hu Tao neither likes nor dislikes Qiqi, she just feels that because Qiqi is dead, she should be in a casket, or in the ground, or exorcised, or something. Hu Tao also likes ghosts.


I just.

She's so.

Words escape me.


This is the representation I've dreamed of...  (aside from someday seeing a hairstyle to the one I had) somewhere in video games other than a Sims 2 mod. But like. Oh my god T_T OH MY GOD I could cry.

I wanna cosplay herrrrrr which means bootleg costume LOL but that's fine because I don't have the motivation to make another cosplay in between work and class.
Actually... the more I think about it... I don't think I need to buy her costume. I dress similarly to that anyway, so........hmmm... maybe... idk. it's fine. Whatever. WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS. Either way... I wanna do something.. regarding her. Idk what tho. Probably make a pillow of her ghost or something, like how I rage-made my Gastly pillow.


Moving along to other stuff.

There is no other stuff LOL. I just work and have class. But am having a lot of fun and learning a lot. I'm feeling more comfortable doing services by myself. It's always more of a challenge with front facing tasks, but I'm navigating that with the utmost care and deliberation.

I'm also getting back into producing and editing video stuff. For work, not me. I'm crunchy, but it's all slowly coming back to me.

CRUNCHY.

There so much stuff I wanna talk about. SO much. Because my brain is always analyzing and associating stuff with memory. For example...  the durian phenomenon...

If you know, you know.
For many... the smell of durian is foul. Vile. Rotten. Vomit inducing. The appearance of tiny lungs inside this thing can also be off-putting to some.
I am unbothered by any of it. In fact, I like it and am fascinated by the layers I smell and how my mind races to recall what those complexities remind me of. (When it comes to consuming this fruit, I think it's actually really tasty.)


Are we... picking up what I'm putting down?
Just the fruit. We only eat the fruit.
.. you get it, right?

Ok.

Double entendre aside, durian is amazing, delicious, and it's good for you.
And now I want some. It tastes like sweet, buttery mango with a little bit of sweet french onion undertones. So yummy.
ANYWAY.

Yeah back to stuff I wanna talk about but uh... resort to durians as a contextual crutch.

I just turned and looked at Chicken and went "do you wanna go to Phoenix cafe tomorrow maybe...?" And he's like lol... "do you want durian cakes?"

CURSES...FOILED AGAIN! He knows too much. He didn't even know that I'm writing about durians again. He's not wrong tho. I do want durian cakes lol.


CHICKENS?!

Chicken!
I mean, they're doves, but.... looookit aaaaawwwww doooose CHIIIICKENS
I had my first graveside service recently and our chicken guy brought them and and and

One of the little girls got to hold and release a dove, and I was lowkey jealous LOL. Oscar - chicken guy- was like omg c'mere you can pet them and I was like nooooooooooooooo not right now and he was like it's okay! come pet them! and I was like nooooooooooooooooooo (but I SO WANTED TO)

I couldn't. Just because I didn't wanna be a squeaking, blabbering idiot that started crying while holding a dove and start screaming "CHIIICKEN...ISSO CYOOOOOOOOOO" in front of a mourning family

Because I will cry.

So, in case anyone's curious. They're homing doves. They're trained to fly back to their home base as a group. So when the little girl let the one go, it just kinda hung out until the others were released, and they call gather and fly off, eventually to return. Some were marked blue, and some were because... because.. BECAUSE SOME WERE STILL IN TRAINING UWU

He told the family that and they were like omg that's SOO CYOOOOO and I was like awwwww that IS so cyooooo uwu (but didn't say it).

Next time, if pets are afforded to me, I may find it difficult to refuse. But only covertly. I was lucky this time because we arrived early, so my coworker let me use her phone to take pictures LOL.

Today I went on a first call. This license plate is very LA.

First time at the coroner's office!
Also... the first time I've been in LA in like 2 years, or even anywhere near Little Tokyo.
Sigh.

I miss Little Tokyo T_T
We're a lot closer and I just... wanna go. But we have to be good.

I don't wanna say how I know this but there are, in fact, people who are leaving their house to go out and do things while sick. It's extremely fucked up. So... we're still being very careful. But a part of me feels like because LA has started being lax on stuff, people are forgetting themselves and are starting to casually go out again. And it just... it's depressing. We could've been out of this a long time ago. But people still wanna go out to bars, or go out to eat, or the gym, or whatever.

COVID-19 is still a thing. It's still contagious. It's still dangerous. And it's still killing people.
But whatever, what do I know?

(that was SO rhetorical that I think all sarcasm has been purified from my being just from how hard my eyes rolled back into my heaed.)

My mommy sent me stuff. She's so amazing.
Inventory!

• Maiz - purple corn that we use in Peru to make desserts, drinks, candies.
• Flan! because flan!
• Shells & Cheese! Me and my mom would go to Aldi's to get groceries and she would always buy shells and cheese and prepare it for me. It's very special.
• chili cream sauces! Peru has a lot of pureed sauces in cuisine made from various peppers. She was able to find some premade sauces for me to try. She says they're pretty good for what they are :D I trust her.

Ahh, I miss my mom and dad so much. So, so much. I'd go see them but, lol that'd be extremely fucked up to do right now all things considered.


SO HERE IS A CUTE, FUZZY, SMOL, JUMPING SPIDER I FOUND IN THE BACK YARD

So itty bitty and fuzzy. I wanted to give it pets. Jumping spiders are adorable, it's not fair. HOW DO I GIVE IT KISSIES AND LOVES!?


Am tired. Want durian. Did I finish homework? I think I did. I don't even know. I just wanna sleep. Pretty sure I did though.

K I go.
Eat durian, it smells cool.
K bye

wear a mask and
if you're SICK
DON'T FUCKING GO OUT??

kbye

Muertitos + BlizzConline 2021

   Waooo wao wao waooo soo much going on, waaaooo..

So I'm gonna just gush for a little bit before I talk about BlizzcOnline. There's a lot of gush.

Oh hey, a joke

ALRIGHT.

Now that I'm working at an independent mortuary, I can't stress enough that I AM SO IN LOVE WITH WHAT I DO. SO IN LOVE. There's a plethora of things I'm learning every day, and very recently I'm growing more into gradually learning how to direct our funeral services with the help and warm encouragement from our fucking awesome team.

Getting my name tag made my heart burst T_T

Everyone has demonstrated their desire to help me grow and develop, and they believe in me, and it's been a huge like... just... you know when you just get that really nice chapstick that just... mmpf, you put it on and you just feel great? Because that chapstick is keeping you feeling good? No one can see that you're wearing it, but you know it's there, and without that chapstick, you're still aight but man, that chaptstick... fresh. Y'know?
My mortuary fam is my emotional chapstick. Also, in my welcome aboard package, they gifted me a bunch of cute stuff- one of which is chapstick with our brand on it LOL. And it's nice. I'm wearing it right now. POETRY.

One thing I wanna highlight is the support my mom gives me. Every day after I leave work, I call her and she asks me how my day went and asks about my "muertitos" in the most endearing, loving way ever.
In Spanish, muertitos translates to little dead ones. Muerte- death. Muerto- deceased or decedent. Muert+ito= death+smol, in context... little dead one. I love her so much. She gets so excited to hear about my progress and how my day went, and she cares about the loved ones and the families. Having this connection with my mom about specifically this field and everything in it is... I'm so beyond grateful for her.
My mom used to be a nurse back when we lived in Peru. But back then, she would tell me how nurses were trained for everything and were expected to flex between roles. Today, you'll find more specialized practices that I guess lightens the workload. She got to work with a lot of families when their loved ones would come into her hospital's care. She saw it all, and she was so in love with what she did. She continues to be passionate about everything that came with that line of work and ruminates on her time there fondly. This bond with her is so special to me. I hope she knows that. I gotta make sure to tell her.

OH. Something I forgot to mention before; photos?? not gonna happen.

BUT Look at these little things from coleagues :D

Another happy thing... I ordered girl scout cookies because... important.



Note: the lemon ones taste exactly like the lemon pound cakes from Starbucks.



Also loooooooooooooooooooooooooooook
I love this artist so much. There's barely any more room on my bag for more pins but... I'll find a home for these somewhere.

BLIZZCONLINE 2021 | waaaooo wao wao wao

What can I say?
Well, a lot, but I'm technically still under NDA
SO LETS ENJOY SOME BEHIND THE SCENES STUFF SHALL WE

Homdray got to be in front of the camera this year for the Diablo II|Resurrection Deep Dive panel, and there was a lot of set up. And... maybe you were wondering, or maybe you weren't....  why Homdray looked so flawless? Was it his au natural skin? Or was it my dope goth matte-ifying make up? (Guess.)
The lights were like a billion degrees and were slowly roasting him alive

Hi, that's Homdray!

He read books about Blizzard-North and dug up ancient resources that haven't been accessed in eons. He's a fact-checker. Stubborn, always wanting to improve and quadruple checking. If he's passionate about something, he's very protective of the integrity of it.
One thing about Homdray that I admire is that he utilizes negative feedback instead of succumbing to the sting of potentially being told that you're wrong.
When it comes to opinions, I don't care cuz opinions don't ultimately matter lmao, but when it comes to what is GOOD and integrity is on the line, he won't budge or compromise.
I like that about him, because it makes me feel less crazy lol. Annnd and and, like Chicken and myself, he's also an ISTJ hahaahaha
There's no what if, there's no compromise- It's either Good or it's not.

So I can tell you with full confidence that D2|Resurrection is in the right hands with Homdray on the team.
100%

Also all this equipment setup stuff..

Chicken lives for this shit

He set up and made sure Homdray was looking prime and like, the readiest

and good.
It took a long time lol

"haaaay guise, welcome to mai streeeaaam"

Lifa kept stuff in check as far as how good the shot looked.
There was a lot of little detail stuff.

wao wat a dev

It was fun. We had to be good and step out when the time came, but I can't promise that Lifa and I didn't probably creep up to Homdray's closed door, and maybe giggled like idiots while listening in.

Maybe we did. Maybe we didn't. The world may never know.
Chicken is so patient.

But honestly, I know how hard everyone worked to put this together, and it amazes me still how much love goes into all things Blizzcon. It's that absolute love for community that drives the passion to bring Blizzcon to everyone, even through the limitations of the pandemic... it's all for the fans and the community. And it's dope. And I'm so proud of Saralyn, she goes HAM every year, and all the teams, and especially IT and the video department. I can't imagine the shitshow schedules they were met with in order to keep this absolute monster going so smoothly. Sigh.

When things start to calm down, I can't wait to go visit campus and hug and cry on everyone. March will be the 1 year mark since we were told to go home- thinking this was all temporary. It still pains me that it absolutely could have been - if everyone had just complied in the beginning. But that was too much to ask.

But yeah. While I miss the in-person Blizzcon experience; the cosplays, the friends, the food, and just chillin at a con with familiar faces, BlizzcOnline was like sweet honey in this otherwise bland tea that this past year has felt like. Not just bland tea, but weak. Ugh. (Unless it's barley tea, but like ... 2020 was absolutely not ... delicious barley tea. so.)

ANYWAY Moving along

Omg there's this insanely cute little coffee/flower shop that we stopped by over the weekend. HNNNNG IT'S ADORABLE

You go in and everything is covered in cute plants and stuff and plushies and they have street food and drinks and they sell flowers!!!

It looks like... someone's cute cafe concept art on Twitter that just.. came to life.

"Coffee Flower" is the shop's name

We will be returning- This last trip, I got the pistachio latte with cocogoat uwu
was muy yummy ^_^

Annnnd lastly... I cut my hair again... if that wasn't apparent in the first photo with my head in it.

The changes are so drastic when at work LOL

I'm adjusting to styling my hair differently. Since my undercut is still there, the challenge is proving kinda fun, I guess. I had to borrow a hair brush because I never had one haha. No reason to have one before. But I just use it for teasing. Brushing my hair feels like shit lol.


One of these days I'll be able to get back to my clay stuff. It's been put on hold. Can you believe we still have boxes to unpack? I think now, we've just gotten kinda settled in to where it's comfortable, but there's so much to do still.

I miss my bff.

Anywho
Now I bid you dear reader a fond adieu.
I've homework to catch up on.
So I'll leave you with this death positive quote from Weiner Wilde, and some crazy lady nonsense:

"Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace."

We as a culture in the West have a lot of fear about death to the point where we avoid talking about it or even wanting to think about it- denying its rightful place in all of our own fantastical chapters of what we know to be Life. Without Death, what value does Life have? Without Life, how can we truly feel the gravity of our lives in our Death chapter? It's why simply existing is monumental. Every moment, every emotion, every experience, every interaction, is the most amazing journey to our final chapter. And that's okay. And it's wonderful. Being alive... no, actually just being.. is pretty damn incredible.

Oh yeah, wear a mask please. k bye.

Invited

 Probably gonna shoot myself in the foot... but for the longest time, I felt that trips goths make to cemeteries for photoshoots and picnics and shit were SO tacky.

Opinions incoming.

This is the part where I say that several years ago, I'd done 2 shoots at cemeteries. One was promotional for selling merchandise for a vendor, another was for an indie project that never made it to fruition.
STILL. The most cliche shit ever. Like, if I were buried somewhere, I wouldn't want some greasy assholes posing on my tombstone so they can post their terribad photo of my grave on social media. [Few will know where I'm buried, if I even decide on that.]
But then... one day in Pennsylvania, in an old abandoned mining town in a tiny, old abandoned cemetery, I walked down a lone, solitary path to admire the tombstones- most dating back to mid 1800s.
And then the scary thing happened, and I shit my pants, and after hurrying to the car, Chicken basically summarized a very simple but sensible belief that stayed with me - "You weren't invited.."

That shit turned my world upside down.

He's not religious, and while I don't subscribe to anything either, I like to think that I'm spiritual in some ways. But when even he said that, I was like... Oh damn. You're probably right. That makes sense.

Unless I'm visiting to pay respects or I guess working now, idling out of vanity- just doesn't sit right with me. If I am not family, or paying respects, or a caretaker, or someone who services those who have passed on, my ass doesn't need to be there uninvited.

And like, I GET IT. I know. Cemeteries are ethereal, and calm, and beautiful, and peaceful, and while morbid in nature, they hold a sense of serenity and tranquility. They are gorgeous resting places for the dead. I GET IT. Hi, have we met?

Which is why....
When a colleague invited me to join her in visiting her grandfather's resting place during lunch break, it felt different. What Chicken said to me was always in the back of my mind.

I asked for permission to document our moment there, and if it was alright to write about it here to share. She gladly consented. I've never gathered like this to eat among other peoples' loved ones. Ever. This was pleasant, as we had to go to another cemetery earlier in the day for work. Call me a weirdo but being there as an invited guest felt kind of intimate.

Also, she had this in her car and it was really cute omg.

Someone else invited me to come with them to visit a family member years ago. It was actually then that kinda solidified wanting to go into Mortuary Science studies when she told me that a relative of a friend had passed in a car accident, and her viewing was abysmal. Her heritage didn't read through the exaggerated cosmetics that had been applied to her. She said the eye make-up was grotesque, and her lipstick a bright pink color- "they made her look white", as she recalled the retelling of her Hispanic friend's experience with the final viewing of their loved one. That made me recoil. Disgusting. I felt kinda mad that people entrusted to care for these loved ones can be so careless and negligent. Still disgusts me. That's absolutely unacceptable...

But now, here I am.
Thank you for telling me your story, Judith. I never forgot it. And still feel sorry that their last moments with her were so indignant. She deserved better, as did the family.

*takes deep breath*

Uh. So. About things that are indignant...ish. Affronted's more like it.
.. I feel similarly regarding religious iconography on fashion. Someone once gave me the stinkeye for expressing that the trend with crosses and pentagrams and shit on dresses, bags, tights, shoes, etc. was distasteful. I have one rosary. It resembles the one my grandmother had- she was a Catholic. As are my parents. I don't wear it. I think I wore it out once several years ago. It felt weird. Now that I work with families of varying faiths, it just further reinforces that value because I'd feel like a complete asshole wearing Catholic crosses to stuff. I don't even wanna imagine a family who is actually of that faith to look to me and approach me with a preconception.... only to discover that I felt like wearing their faith as a fashion accessory and like, "OH HAHA. NO, IT JUST LOOKS COOL :)" ... that just... ugh. That's so... utterly disappointing.
So, yeah. I'm not gonna police people on shit- vanity can get dialed up to 11 and when it does, the ego gets crazy and ... I don't care enough. But I just wanted to get this off my chest.

OPINION: Religious iconography on shitty overpriced merchandise and photoshoots in the cemetery are all the way up, tacky. And I'm probably the only goth on the planet that feels this way. Which is fine.

Uh. So after my stupid breakdown last week, the realization sunk in that two dream jobs happened. One was working at Blizzard as a barista- something I never in a million years thought was possible. And now finding myself at my career destination... It doesn't feel like work. And it's beyond rewarding. The most amazing part of it is that it's not a skeezy corporation! (That's all I'll say on the matter :D)

They're just as excited as I am to present me with all sorts of learning experiences within every asset of the industry and the duties that come with Funeral work and.. I just. My heart. It's so happy.

Some of my long-worn accessories to my vanity and admittedly a part of my identity took a hit, but honestly... brushing my hair out... if it was gonna be for anything.. I'm glad it was to minimize myself in the wake of others' grief. It's humbling, and I'm happy to sit my ass down and blend in. It's not about me anymore. That feels good to say.

The only big transformation is the hair, but it feels like a lot more.

OH. ALSO, THIS IS MY STUPID SPIRITUAL SIDE BUT

TWO OF MY COLLEAGUES THAT I MOST WORK WITH ARE A LIBRA AND A CAPRICORN ^_^
Libras are so easy and personable to get along with. She likes my stupid puns.

And Capricorns I really like because when they get comfortable they can talk forever and just spew everything out, and this is fine because I'm a listener :D
And we all click. Everyone clicks. EVERYONE IS SO SWEET

AND NICE

AND AMAZING

And it feels good to talk about things I'm passionate about without feeling out of place lol. Like, earlier we had to transport stuff to Inglewood, and the whole drive there was just talking about life and ghosts and hauntings and afterlife, and traditions, and hobbies and and and just.. ruminating on death and the like. And it was such a positive thing. And. It's not every day that I can talk to people about death and connect positively. THEY GET IT. It just feels really good.

Ok, I'm rambling.

Chicken got me lunchables to take to work... because I asked ^_^
But they're not the pizza ones LOL. Costco apparently only does the packs of cheese and crackers. Which isn't surprising because their marinara sauce is the bland kind lololol

And... another wonderful thingie... Chicken kind of reaffirmed our marriage proposal by giving me his mother's ring the other night. It's a ring his grandma had, who gave it to his mother, and is now giving it to me. And. My heart. It's so happy. When all this pandemic shit is over, hopefully we can seal the deal sooner than later. I'm sorry, but I'm not getting married in front of a grody sports arena. No thank you. I'm going to look obnoxiously ethereal at my low-key Peruvian/Taiwanese/Gloomy wedding and that's not up for debate.

Once again, things feel like they're shifting back into good, comfy equilibrium. School stuff with the Mortuary Science program usually stresses me out, but lately it's been the last thing on my mind. Apparently it's trash LOL. That's all I'll say.

Keeping my journal has been so cathartic. A lot is going on this month. Annnd, my colleague who I worked with on my first day told me to keep one of the flowers from our transport as a memoir of .. my new beginning! So I did. It's very special.

Since my first day, all kinds of lessons have been thrown in... completely by chance. Can even consider soe of them as last minute challenges lol. I won't talk about my first service, but I think that's when disassociation and how my brain works started to turn some gears I hadn't ... turned before?
Talking to Chicken, Ponies, and some of my friends about it has helped compartmentalize emotions I haven't processed yet. I also joined a discord server with other funeral workers and... as soon as I thought my brain didn't work right, I told them. They helped a lot, too.

I'm prepared for those conversations that go nowhere with Chicken, or with my bff about my work days because sometimes there's literally nothing to be said. Or at least... I won't know what I would expect from them if I went to them with something that affected me in a very specific way. So that's what discord is for LOL. Or my colleagues. Problem is I wanna share my experiences with them, but I know not all them are the easiest to digest.

Speaking of not easy to digest... Meemurs is loosing a lot of teeth.

After the move, I set her outside to readjust to the climate and she's finally going into hibernation. A lot of her traps are going dormant. If I didn't know about that, I'd probably still be crying. In spite of that though, a lot of her traps are still vibrant and several are even growing in! I fed her 4 huge ants yesterday. She hasn't eaten in a while. I'm hoping her meals give her the nutrients she may be lacking.
And my petunias are adjusting gradually. More are blossoming, but something happened with a lot of the leaves that made them shed off. Baby leaves are growing in tho. They seem to like being outside.


ANYWAY

新年快乐!
Happy Lunar New Year!

We got lanterns to assemble and put up around the house! ^_^

Decorating I guess isn't a big thing, but my mom loves to decorate for holidays, and that rubbed off on me. Soooooooooooo WE GONNA DECORATE ALL PRETTY AND STUFF :D

Ahh, lanterns are so beautiful. I wanna keep them up forever LOL

These are so fun to set up! And once finished, can put mini RGB candles inside to light them up.

When I got home from work today, a huge meal was waiting. Best feeling. Even better feeling...

Chicken's mom gave me a red envelope. She says to keep this in my pocket for good luck tomorrow.
HAPPY SIGH.
My blazer has fake pokets. But I will keep it with me throughout the day.

I sleep. The weekend comes. While I like to think that it'll be a potato for most of it, I have homework to catch up on. But! There's food. And comfy blankets and a comfy bed, and my book, and Hades. And Genshin Impact. With that... farewell Reader!

Happy Lunar New Year!

Wear a mask
Respect the dead

Lengua tacos are dope

kbye lol