For those that saw that post, I must clarify, vaguely, why it no longer remains visible: strictly under direction to not disclose what occurred. For those that are aware, it's been a waiting game. In 3 days, it's about to be a month. And for the first time in my life, I heard her say she wanted to die.
That's burned into my head forever.
If you, dear reader, are not sure to whom I am referring to, I apologize for the cryptic introduction. This is pure venting at this point.
But I must digress.
because ... because.
For every smile or laughter that comes out of me, I'm wrought with guilt.
I don't think that I've felt this overwhelmed with so many different emotions all at once. I feel that I need a serious vacation away from everything. Out of California, away from my own thoughts and worries. Having such contrasting emotions at once is... exhausting.
There are people who are pulling at my heart strings from all directions, in addition to the newly discovered stresses of my financial situation with work, and then coupling that with my own insecurities of what the future may bring.
I am a planner. Living in the moment is nice. Every now and then, I'll allow myself to indulge in just letting go and enjoying everything without thoughts of tomorrow's consequences-- but it's not like me. This adds to ... emotion shit.
Timing is weird. So weird.
I'm rambling.
I'll take us to my favorite place...
Redondo Beach Pier...
He was my company that evening. I wanted to share this place with him. Though, I don't think he's as fond of it as I! It was chilly, and all the shops were closed. He was probably like, why the fuck are we walking around a closed off pier at 11 at night
Actually, I doubt that. We enjoyed our evening there very much.
And I love photographing him.
Though he tries to shimmy out of the frame... but gives me shots like this!
He makes me feel nervous at times, and shy. It must be his outward forbearance. He always appears stoic, and deep in thought. Quiet, pensive. Observant. He studies he with stern eyes, and it's kind of humbling because I thought I had that skill down. He one-ups me in that department. I can't read him. I also can't make him look away shyly the way I can with my friends. It's a weird -i'm hilarious and awesome and you can't even handle me right now so you're smiling and looking away- thing I do.
but he is an enigma.
An enigma that enjoys In-N-Out Burger. lol
Ponies and I went and got vegan pizza a few weeks back.
I got photos of him laughing again :D
How many times is that, now? I've lost count.
It's important to capture these moments, because Ponies seldom smiles for longer than 6 seconds.
Just kidding, he totally does. But only around like, us.
That place was dope, we need to go again.
}B A T S D A Y W e e k e n d {
Bats Day weekend was just around the corner.
For the first time in like, 5 years or whatever, I went to Bats Day Black Market without Ponies.
This year, I just attended on my own.
It was weird being there without him. I'd gotten so used to arriving there with him and spending all day there together that this was awkward to walk into.
But I did see a familiar face very shortly after arriving! Bernadette :)
She is a fan of Ponies and his books. She comes to see him at his booth every year.
This year though... yeah. =\ lol
But we walked around together for a little bit and caught up
She's so cute, lol.
She's wearing a Bat cowl hoodie poncho thing from Kaira's booth Thirteen's Closet. It's really cute, I wanted one but she sold out. Probably for the best, lol.
This year though... I'm not gonna lie
it kinda sucked.
There weren't that many vendors...
Like, the two vendors that I most looked forward to purchasing from weren't even there. And they had booths there the last few couple of years. To be fair, I checked out their stock online, and it looks like they didn't have much to sell... BUT STILL. I mean... yeah. I dunno. It just.. sucked.
Ponies made the right decision to not pursue a booth this year.
LOOKIE LOOKIE WHO I FOOOUNNND
Miss Dannniiiii
She's so cyoot I could just snuggle her forever.
Turns out she's the god daughter of Mr. Flower. (ya'll remember Mr. Flower?)
We coo
Sorry, Dani. True story.
Don't worry... It was completely, 100% innocent and harmless, haha
Kaira!
I'm on her business cuuurrrdds
While there though, I saw Eviiiieeee ^______________________^
And hung out with her and peeps for the rest of the evening.
Aaaaaaand later on, Caesar was sweet enough to let me ride w/ him to Sanctum... which funny enough is right up the street from my house. I never knew. It was my first time attending that event.
Truth be told...
MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH =\
Also, like... some chick there was giving me mad salty bitch 'tude. I've never met this chick, but clearly she knew about me-- or thought she did. Got that vibe from her.
I think she was the promoter?
We go up to the entrance, and Caesar's other friend happens to walk up with him. I'm standing next to Caesar, and she just looks me up and down, then looks at Caesar, noticing his other friend with him (who came with other people) and says in the bitchiest tone, you can only have ONE plus one...
Like. who the fuck shoved an angry dildo up her ass?
lol WHATEVER have a nice life, rabiosa infeliz. Didn't stay long. That venue sucked. And Caesar was supposed to DJ, but that place is so ghetto that someone stole DJ equipment and he couldn't DJ that night. Not to mention, apparently people have gotten mugged in the parking lot.
NICE CLUB NIGHT, GIRLFRIEND.
The following day was Bats Day in the Park! Where all the gothies go to Disneylaaaannd. This year though it fell on the same day as Dapper Day?
I also thought I was going alone to this... Ponies and Jess decided months ago that they were not going. This sucked to hear and deal with. But...
I GOT A TEXT FROM PONIES THE NIGHT BEFORE SAYING THEY WERE GOING :D
Dopest Oswald and Ortensia Disneybound. I love it!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY
CRUELLA AND PUPPIES
Dannniiiiii
lol.
Perfect example of what happens when I say "smile, Ponies."
And, OMIGOSH!
while waiting in line for Indie, Julia and Santoooossss spotted meeeeee!
I've mentioned them a few times in older entries.
But... they're best known for their Estar Guars cosplays xD
They're so awesome, lol. Owen is adorable
And Julia is so beautifullllll
She's so photogenic!
And they looked NICE all dressed up for Dappy Day!
Always a pleasure to see them. We gonna get lunch soon ^_^
I can't wait!
We stayed for the Haunted Mansion picture too. I don't remember what time we left, but I'm thinking it was maybe around 9 because I remember Jess had to be at work at a certain time.
We had so much fun!
I'm so glad they ended up coming, because I honestly don't know what I would've ended up doing without them. Probably be sad as fuk all day.
aaaand not to mention all the pins they were handing out this year!
I love me some pins ^_^
Ahhh, yay. ^_^ What a fun day. I love Ponies and Jess so much... ugh.
A few evenings later... after my meltdown that doesn't matter now,
we briefly had to see each other, even for a little bit.
He brought us to Huntington Beach Pier.
Gah, I love the beach at niiiiight. It's so tranquil.
The night was cold. Probably too cold for his tastes =\ but he braved it for me. I don't mind it because I just fall in love with the water, and the waves, and the air, and the moon, and the city lights, and the reflections of everything in the water, and the sounds, and aahhhhhhh...... everything. haha
Thank you for bringing us here. for tolerating the cold
He's so handsome...
how the fuck
Buhh
but then he does this shit when I compliment him.
this must be what other people feel like when they compliment me, and i make a retarded face at them in return.
i'll stop, lol
There was also some night market thing that was going on. But by the time we got there, they were breaking down the booths. Still cool to walk through.
I wished the night could've gone on, but boo work.
On MAY 4TH
After work, I decided to stalk my friend Alvin throughout his whole Disney trip.
Jk. He let me stalk him.
It was Star Wars day, so of course... well.. you know how that goes.
We met Chewwwwyyyyyy
where did my arms go omg
We also met up with his friends in the space.. pizza.. place.. area.. and
deep fried penis.
Was I tired for work the next morning?
Yup.
Do I regret it?
Nope.
Did I stay out late again when I had work at 4 am the next morning?
I SURE DID.
With my co-workers :)
She was adjusting my photo spamming.
He's used to it. He was even nice enough to explain it to her.
"she just takes photos until she gets her shot"
yup.
And sometimes I never get that shot.
And post some of the others anyway, lol.
T's reaction to his face is perfect because, yeah. Pretty much.
He watched Slingblade, and this was his Earl face.
And after dessert, we decided Target was fun.
We got there w/ 15 minutes left before they closed.
So we went straight to the toys section
Star Wars section, more specifically
Cynthia, it's almost midnight. You have to be up at 3
wtf r u doing
YOLO
I don't wanna talk about what happened the next morning.
So we went to Dripp in Fullerton later.
Just kidding, this was.
He had to finish up some work, but wanted to see me.
So, he brought his laptop, and we went to Starbucks in Downtown Disney, where we sat together while he worked, and I wrote my paper for my Psychology class.
guhh
The next morning, while rushing to work, I open the door and look down to see this:
Where did its head go? I don't know.
It was somewhere.
And not even 5 seconds after opening the door... someone comes out from around the corner
Freya.
Freya got me a nice little present. I guess she likes me.
This was absolutely not something I was expecting to run into on my way to work, but it definitely made me feel loved... somewhat. oddly enough, lol.
I love you too, Freya.
And I went to Burbank
I needed to get out of OC for a night and see old friends.
What better way to do this over ramen :)
D.
She's the closest person I've gotten to (besides my ex) who I've met working for Starbucks.
We shared the same trauma, and worked so much together, that I consider her a close friend. We've seen some shit, lol.
We also talked a lot of shit, too.
She's the perfect girlfriend. And it was just so good to be able to talk to her about stuff, and *ahem* people, from Verdugo and Olive. I told her everything, and she gets it.
I miss her so much. It sucks we had to separate because of my situation, but I'm just thankful it's only a 45 minute drive to be able to reconnect.
We went to get drinks after.
I was also hoping to see my special bestie, but he got too busy with work :(
I really learned who to trust among them, lol. And who is an actual friend.
Some guys are so full of shit. It still amazes me how far they will go for their own ego.
Na mean?
Special Bestie will get a visit another time, hopefully when he's not too busy.
And once Hoonie came back from his trip, we saw each other again.
He's wearing the cutest shirt o_o
It's my favoorriiite.
He says he has another one that he thinks I'll like.
Can't wait to see it :B
Is that stupid?
I'm sorry.
I'll stop
We went to Shin-Sen-Gumi for dinner!
I was there once before with people. It wasn't that great.
But being open minded about food is just a beautiful part of life, and so we went back. But this was another location.
It was really good!
Much better than I remembered.
Last time I recall the broth being weak and watered down, and almost bland.
this round was much, much better :)
and he made me another pea cock ^_^
I'm just gonna collect them.
buhhhhh
And afterwards we went for dessert :D
I missed him so much.
Sigh.
Right now, he's on another business trip.
Timing sucks.
but, it is what it is.
And I had the urge to make Toshio from The Grudge, or Ju-On.
I'm gonna make Sadako and Kayako, too.
He's nowhere near done though.
And lastly, I've been keeping the company of my coworkers lately.
We came back here again. I love this place, lol.
He's not doing so hot, so I'm trying to be supportive. and essentially telling him to get his hoe on.
And then we went out for dinner again a few days later, lol.
It's been a weird month. Weird, weird month.
I find myself latching on to more social situations, and I'm not sure if it's because of what happened with my mom, or because I'm just... becoming more social?
I don't know.
I mean, there are also a lot of good places to eat around here too, and I find myself wanting to go out to eat all the time now. So that could also be it.
Whatever the case, I've been in a weird state mentally, and as much as I have been enjoying myself trying to keep myself distracted, I've also felt really guilty. It's hard to explain.
I know things will be okay. I can feel it. But I just... I don't know. I'm overwhelmed with confusing emotions. I just want to take 2 weeks off, and go camping or something. I don't know. My head is in a weird place.
I'm rambling now.
And he's waiting for me to finish this entry. So.
PHEW. lol goodnight
PS: i hate school