Psywave [PSYCHIC]

  K Lets do some soul purging. Courtesy of Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off" song. And Halloween electro swing.

BUT FIRST. I need to preface this with; this part's is gonna deal with death related stuff. Specifically, like, emotions around it, how I'm learning to navigate my own feelings in lieu of the exposure I have to it, and what that may manifest into. For meeeeee.
So if talking about or acknowledging death is an uncomfortable thing, maybe sit this one out? Or don't, idgf.

HOKIE DOKIE

One of the things mentioned to me around my first starting at the mortuary, just super casually in random conversation, was that there will be days when I'll get home and will just have the urge to cry. I couldn't fathom this. But noted her words.

Um, so. I've noted. There will be some days where... the energy during xy or z, will hang in the air, and everyone feels it. I call these my psychic/ghost Pokemon attack days. And let me tell you, there are some messed up lore and backstories to some ghost pokemon. They're crazy. Anywho

Uh.. yeah, a few days ago, idk what kind of pokemon that was but..  like.
Maybe comparable to a Misdreavus... they impose a sense of unease and siphon fear. "It attacks by letting loose psychic orbs and ones imbued with loathsome emotions."
... it was like... this anguish.... that was felt that morning.. was this dense invisible fog that traveled, and everyone was breathing it. It was so heavy. It pervaded the air.

You could feel it in your gut. That was the first debuff.

Did I just compare that to a psychic ghost type pokemon attack? Yes. Because I don't know what else to compare it to.

The next one happened mid day. Anguish took its toll and manifested physically, with a minor domino in its wake. We did what we do to honor our commitment to our family, though undoubtedly, the ordeal left the air around us tainted. Going into stoic protection mode temporarily gave me tunnel vision for just them. Without realizing, that was debuff 2 stagnating, and stacking subconsciously on the first debuff from earlier that morning.

3rd one, unexpected, had to be addressed during my service where, without realizing, anguish crept into my soul as I allowed myself vulnerability to be with someone, and what they needed, so very very much in that moment. I watched as one of my counselors assisted me, but finishing up, I felt for them so very deeply and wanted to hold them up with everything I could give. They needed it. And one day I would also be in their shoes. debuff 3.

To finish the day, I visited with someone who, under pretenses, realistically didn't need me there, but I wanted to tell this person who could no longer hear it, that everything was okay now. I caressed their hair for a few moments, hoping that if they were to be nearby, it would be some comfort, albeit small. I silently prayed for them, I don't know to what. Then I walked out of this, our most sacred room, my soul feeling heavy, and incredibly charged. debuff 4

I got in my car, spoke with my mom on the way home, and when I got home and parked, a sort of anguish began to well up.
There was no sadness. I wasn't distraught, or upset. My only remorse was that death can be crueler to some more than others. But that had nothing to do with my emotional state.
Mr. Chicken walked outside toward my car to check on me. I opened the car door, and began to have a small thing of being disgusted with how much I took in, realizing what was coming and trying to calm my breathing. I told him basically that I needed to cry. He acted like everything was cool, which I appreciated very much. We walked in the house, and when I got to our bedroom, the ugly crying exploded out. All of the misery, the grief, anguish I had mismanaged that day transferred to me, and it had to come out. Immediately.


It's not something I can describe. There's nothing like it. You're not sad, it has nothing to do with you. It's like... you just.. it's like empathy on crack. You feel and take in so much that it's like a fucking ghost pokemon attacked you and you just feel this... heavy... gut wrenching, emotional agony. And it weighs you down. I was holding my head, wanting to like... emotionally fart everything out of me.


I started hopping up and down singing shake it off by taylor swift, shaking my arms and wrists as I cried. Like trying to shake insects off of me that wouldn't leg go.
Mr. Chicken was near me throughout, speaking to me, being present. His presence was comforting. He knew there wasn't much he could say, because the source wasn't mine. So he remained patient. Idk if he realized that him being there emanated a warmth that felt like my soul or whatever was desperately feeding off of, but yeah. Then I'd calm down a bit. And then a debuff would tick, and I'd curl up and wail again. It went on for like 20 mins? Half an hour? On and off.
The whole time, my brain is on overload trying to analyze everything that's happening, being hyper-self aware. But little by little, it felt like more and more would release, and leave me.


WORTH IT.

In all the time I've been there, I've never felt it so hard like that. And the thing that needs to be understood is .... people who commit to this field are people who put themselves in roles to be pillars of support, for many different reasons, but also because they can manage the emotions that come with doing so. However, I also have the capacity to empathize HARD. That's normally something that's a good thing, but if left unchecked can leave you open to ghost pokemon attack fatigue.

Man.... If I didn't believe in energies before then, that day would've changed my mind.
Not saying ghosts or spiritual shit. But like... I don't even know. Just. Vibes lol. WAVES. I don't know! That thing you feel when someone is staring at you. Or when someone's standing behind you. You feel it. A thing. A heaviness. That. That is 100% real.

It just. Phew. Yeah. But it made me think back on the day of that conversation me and someone else had. There will be days when you go home, and you will cry. And yeah. That was my first.

Finally, as Mr. Chicken held me while I cried into his shirt, he goes "oh by the way, you have a package that came in." That kinda woke me up a little bit, and I turned around to see a chonky package by my desk. Confused, I go to examine it, wondering what it was. There wasn't anything I had ordered recently that would come in such chonky packaging...
I look at the sender.
It's from Suzy. aka Mort3mer. I go, OH! It's my shirt!
Still confused because my order was smol. Did it come in a cardboard thingie? I start to cut open the package, peek inside

... and collapse to the ground and cry again LOL. I don't even look at what's inside, I just see parts of things that are more than juut my shirt, and I just. POLARITY, FOLKS.
Went from one extreme to the other and oh my god. I screamed.

Turns out, Suzy sent me a butt load of stuff from her business Psychic Circle Oddities. Frogk me all the way. AND with the sweetest little note

SO CYOO. THANK YOU SUZY.
UHHH, YEAH. THERE'S ONE ADVENTURE :D

That, in all honesty, brought me back and helped very much that evening. It was like balance was restoring lol. I like balance. Balance is dope.

SO YEAH. THAT'S THE OPENER. HOW'S EVERYONE DOING?

Honestly, it's all worth it. I love what I do. The end :D

We had beer afterwards.
It was my excuse to try the new pumpkin ale I got from Trader Joe's.
Tre fucking good

 LOOK.

I went back and got the pillow!!!!!!!!

I had to. Last year, I remember seeing really cute Peanuts stuff but for whatever reason, I didn't buy it. This year though... this year, I remembered last year, and how I regretted not grabbing stuff when I saw it. I did that again this year lol, but went back! Now, NO REGARTS
Look at it, it's so cyoo omg.

I should make a spooky Snoopy for my desk...

Speaking of making stuff for my desk, I got bit in the ass to make clay stuff again. It comes and goes. This time, I had no idea what I wanted to create. Only that watching Over the Garden Wall inspired me with their color palette and pumpkins and spooky stuff. So I knew I wanted something with a pumpkin. But also some sort of clown or jester or mime. With a ruffled collar. But also a ghost.

So this guy started coming together.
I didn't know if I wanted a ghost emerging out of a jack-o-lantern, or a ghost wearing a pumpkin head? But the only way the ruffles would work is if they were beneath the pumpkin head. So went with that. No clue what I wanted to ghost to look like or do, so went with old reliable western ghost shape and just... kept going.

After I baked it, color and detail were the most challenging. Because.. I can't visualize or fathom what I want lol.

End result:

He's pretty cute. I messed up a lot, but for the most part, he's cool. I wanna make more, but gotta organize what I want. I know I want more circus-y, jester-y type buddies. I have an idea, but in execution, idk how well it'll work. Idk. We'll see.

I put him next to one of my pieces I'm most proud of.

Also... I revisited another 99 cent store and they did not let me down.

Baby unicorn skeletons lmao.
If I liked unicorns more, and like, was motivated enough to paint and detail, that anatomy sculpture would actually hold up really well. It has a lot of potential. So. Anyone who likes unicorns, but like... skeletal ones... 99 cent store is for you.
They also had these gnomes I hadn't seen before. Ceramic! They're so funny lol. I'm kinda sad I didn't grab some for our garden. I might go back :P

I gotta stop doing that and just get shit when I see it lol.


Here's a happier mortuary adventure! They're actually quite often. This one was special. We have a new trade embalmer working with us, and when she arrived for her first day, she graced us with these amazing donuts!

I'm not the biggest fan of donuts. They're too sweet for me, but I did have half of a blueberry one. It took me 8 years to eat it, but it was yummy. Blueberry donuts are always my go-to. So, because she was so sweet, we all gathered to go give her an even bigger hello, with a proper screeching of gratitude and affections to welcome her to the family.

She wasn't expecting it. Which means we won :D

And lastly, Mr. Chicken and I celebrated our 4th year as a pair of gremlins, on the 26th.

There aren't really sufficient words to express our journey or growth together, how we orbit one another, or the paths we choose to take together. But damn, it's been the smoothest ride ever. I like to attribute a lot of that to where we are in our lives emotionally. We've both grown from our experiences, which have instilled confidence in ourselves to be able to radiate that outwards and uplift one another. We also fit each other. Private, introverted, confident nerds that wanna stay in our lane and live quietly, humbly.

It's chill. I'm so grateful for him. He's my dude. And it's dope that 4 years ago, he wanted me to be his chick. And now we're here.

AT ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI :D

It was this, or Sun Nong Dan. We hadn't been here in a while, so.

mmmpf.
Nigiri forever

Don't get me wrong. I can appreciate rolls. But nigiri is where it's at.
I'll eat yellowtail and toro forever pls and thank you.

We exchanged anniversary gifts.
So dorky lol.

I got him a Mazda RX7 model kit to assemble. He ended up getting model paints so he can go nutso on the interior and the engine and stuff. I think he liked it!
And he got me LEDs for my car's foot wells ^_^

His are red. Mine are currently purple.

I looooooooooooove it. It took a lot on his part to get them installed, because it's been so hot outside and it's extremely uncomfortable to work in that heat. But he did it without complaining once, and made sure everything was set just right. He's so good to me. It looks really, really good!
And makes night time drives way comfier.

I saw today that Mihoyo is doing stuff other than bribing people to do free art for them under the guise of an anniversary event.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Still hoping for Qiqi. Sigh.

my smile is so derpy lol

It's okay though, because I have Hu Tao. And she's precious. I wanna work for Wangsheng Funeral Parlor lol. We'd be great friends. BUT SHE'S NOT REAL :(

I'M RAMBLING.

Anywho. I hope you, dear reader, are having a chill week. Isn't Fall so yummy?? Shall we get comfy and play something now? :3

Spice

  Imagine... rain drops tapping lightly on your window. You glance out the window from your seat, wrapped in a blanket. It's overcast. The yard is covered in vibrant leaves; red, brown, amber. The birds are awake, but even still, it's quiet. The morning has just begun.
There's a hot mug of coffee on your right. You dressed it with nutmeg, cinnamon, brown sugar, a pat of butter and a bit of cream. There's cider simmering on the stove.
You stretch, then get up and go light an autumn scented candle. What's on tv?
fuck that. Tv sucks ass.
You ask Alexa or Google to play Galaxy News Radio, instead. It's the best shit you ever heard.
You're so comfortable. Your space smells amazing, your jammies and blankie feel yummy against you, the calm of Autumn pervades the air you breath in. Summer's bullshit is at last gone.
And then you snuggle up and read Animorphs. Or play whatever garbage game you're addicted to at the moment. Either or, respectable.


ARE YOU COMFY?
I HOPE SO.

If you aren't, I'm sorry. That's gotta be my perfect morning. If I ever woke up early enough to just enjoy a morning. Oh, and it doesn't have to be Galaxy News Radio. I know that's not everyone's thing. So, another option is just Edith Piaf.

Summer is behind us and the best season is heeeere. Look at this pillow that I wanted to buy but didn't because the lines were 8 miles long. It was disgusting. Ugh. I'm gonna regret not buying it when I had the chance.

I'm starting to like, want to buy more *specifically Halloween* stuff now. Whereas before, I only really bought stuff for year-round use, but ... yeah. There's a lot of cute stuff to just decorate with for the hell of it, and I wanna do that this year.

Damnit. I should've just waited in line. Ugh. I gotta go back for it. Probably tomorrow.

One of my favorite spots has been the 99 cent store! Truth be told, in the ... 13? 14? years I've lived in California, it wasn't until like... 2 or 3 years ago that I walked into a 99. Idk why I never bothered to go there before. Probably the outside. I judged. The outside of them usually looks pitiful. But not gonna lie, they have cute Halloween stuff this year.

I got these two. I had to. Look at them.

They also had these, which I really liked but currently I just don't have where to put them. They were really nice though.

Aaaaand look at this kitttyyyy!
It's a little ... idk. Ceramic container thingie? For knick knacks?

Bruh. Anything ceramic at Michael's or Joan's is like, well... in the double digits. And it's kinda insane. Especially with the material that's used for a lot of their stuff. Usually like plastic, with terribad molds and like stringy glue everywhere. Pls. I'll go there for the little spooky town stuff tho. Those are a must.

At a different 99, Mr. Chicken bought me these two ceramic pieces. SO cute. There were more little like, pumpkin-y woods-y mushroom-y housey pieces but I had to stop myself. I was so happy with my little bat boy and pumpkin house.

I've set out my cute little graveyard stuff and I want moooooore. Some of the pieces, I made. The little jiangshi in the back left by the anatomical model, the little ghost in front of the left gate, and the little pocong in the middle of the gate doors. The rest are all purchased. But I might make more.

The pocong is especially perfect for this! I love it so, so much!

These two came out. Got them last year, I think at Joan's? Or Michael's, idk. There was a lot of oldies, retro themed stuff and I wish that would come back. It's so gooooood

I can't say I don't like beer anymore, even though... it's complicated. I can say though, I don't like lagers. Which are the more popular commercial beers. They taste like gross, acidic, tart, bread water. However! I can enjoy and do indulge in sweeter, thicker, darker stouts and IPAs. And autumn brings out the best ones because the flavor infusions are insane. This one is SO good. Soooo smoooooth and yummy. Trader Joe's. I wanna go to a brewery soon and look for autumn drafts. They're a treasure. They really, really are.

If you have an essential oil diffuser, you'll understand how utterly at peace I am

With these here bad boys

I love candles. The look of them. The smell of them. The ambiance they bring to a dark space. But ghat dangit Bobby, these are probably the best dang purchase of the season that I've made so far.

That's a lie.

Sort of.


As we're getting ready for bed, we'll set up the diffuser, put on lo-fi and just... it's bliss. Sigh.


This month has brought a lot of yummy comforts. My life has been taken over by my studies and work. Free time is precious. Every yummy comfort is even more treasured. One of those was when we went out again for more shabu shabu.

And right after, for some boba tea next door.

This sign made me smile under my mask

And this side table(?) made me wonder

what horrors has it endured to prompt such a dismaying, pitiful sign? :(

I like how our drinks looked in the cup holders. Half and Half cups are so fat lol

Surprising no one


Henlo. It me.

I wanna start wearing suspenders more. They're so dang cute.
One day, I'll grow out of wearing clown make-up.
Probably not this lifetime, though.
We'll see.

I also like to mention; I take inspiration from Edith Piaf for my eyebrows. Sort of. I mean, I'd been doing clown (not deliberately, but ugh) eyebrows much longer than having known of her music, but she empowers me to love em even more?
Clown eyebrows? Yes.
Also Edith Piaf eyebrows? Yes.

*bows*
:D

On campus, this squirrel heard the crinkling of the plastic my sweet bread was in.

She won. I didn't stand a chance.

Very recently, I made a trek to see Lauren again. She had something in store for me.

It was the coolest belated birthday date! She asked me what kind of foods and desserts I liked. And she brought those things come for us to enjoy. The bonus of it all was how she decorated. It was SO amazing.

The little corridor had skeletons, and all the posters and stuff on her walls gave it a cooler vibe.

This little spinning music box thingie inside a pumpkin... so cute!

Nigiri, cheese and fruit, apple pie and ice cream, and WATER! I actually really like water lol. Me no drink juices or sodas much. Too sweet. Fuck me up with water, man. I love it.


Movie: the sequel to Phantom of the Opera, Love Never Dies.

I admit, the title is 100% cringe, but I genuinely enjoy it. I'd never seen the full length movie. I only ever watched the song performances. So, I know what happens. But it was cool to see it all come together and play out.

Best scene/song is Beneath a Moonless Sky.
Fun fact: around the beginning of quarantine, myself and a buddy would do zoom calls on Sundays to practice singing Phantom songs and sing together. Beneath a Moonless Sky was one of those songs. It was a lot of fun, but started to become harder to schedule around because I refuse to sing when other people are present.

So, TLDR: this song is pretty spicy. The lyrics are like, dang.
Phantom shows up out of nowhere, like, 10 years later. She's infuriated, and then he's like hey we're cool right? Remember when we snuck off together at night and did the nasty......   ?

My favorite performance of it is of Sierra Boggess and Ramin Karimloo.

Makes me squeamish and scream internally, but it's so good.

I'm still like, "omfg"ing about Mr. Chicken taken us to see a Broadway production of Phantom of the Opera in San Diego for my birthday one year. Where we stayed in a hotel known for being haunted.

Ugh, I'm so predictable lol.

Bleugh. October was gonna start awesome! But, unfortunately plans got canceled cuz of the rona. Understandably. We were gonna go see the opera Madame Butterfly. I read the play M. Butterfly and watched the film. Made me wanna watch the opera, totally different. I'm bummed. It got postponed until next year, which is fine. We can go then, but damn. Woulda been perfect to start October with.

But look at this cute treat one of our embalmers gave me uwu

BECAUSE GHOSTIES

I don't like reese's peanut butter cups... but these were good. Had to eat one very, very slowly, but it was yummy. And cyoo. Hee.


Some highlights from work.

GRAVESIDE CHICKEN

Every time there are doves at a graveside service, I start squealing like a wet cat as I pass their little housing box thingie, because I wanna touch them. But I don't wanna stress them out. So that urge comes out in squeaks and frog grunts. This last time, the handler offered to take one out for me as we finished setting up. He said I could hold it. I was like, hyperventilating or something idk, but this made me extremely happy. In the end, I chose not to hold the precious baby, just to avoid mishandling or stressing it out, but did absolutely give pets and baby talked it. It was one of dozens. They get released and fly back to their home base for snacks and more pets. SO CYOO

Another happy thing is when me and one of my directors do away services together, we take feetie photos ^_^. I found out recently he's half Peruvian, and... related to Eva Ayllon! His mom has family photos with her and other cousins. Shit is wild.
On our way to do stuff, I played her songs in the car and we were vibin.

Eva Ayllon is a beloved singer in Peru, especially by Afro-Peruvian peeps. But like, everyone loves her. She's like, a goddess. I've also played her music for our friends during our drunkard get-togethers lol. I wish I could elaborate on our Afro culture more, but I can't. Or shouldn't, rather. It's too different. And don't we all know; America doesn't do nuance, lol.

Anywho. Yeah! Fun feetie photos!

Still playing Darkest Dungeon. Game is too good. Got Crimson Court DLC the other day on sale. Ugh.
I had to step away from System Shock 2 for a few days. I don't want it to end. Ever. I WANT A REMASTER.

Not a remake.

*growl* There's a difference..

See?
Animorphs.
Comfy!

Tomorrow, work's gonna do a group birthday thing. I'm gonna stop in before my class in the afternoon. It's gonna be nice.
Ahhh, what a good change of season ^_^
I also started editing the last video I filmed. Editing is awful. But it's a cute video so.... one day. I'll finish it. Maybe even upload again. WHO KNOWS

Perhaps I'll wake up early tomorrow morning. Just to experience the comfy.

I hope you, dear reader, are having a comfy evening, or morning, or poop, or whatever. I HOPE THIS BLOG POST FOUND YOU SO WELL. I'm gonna go find some snacks and wind down with some candy crush lol. Get yourself some pumpkin shit, you deserve it.