Psyche dmg

    What year is it?! I'm a little delulu. It's been... several weeks since I've been able to enjoy a video game. Or get a full nights sleep. I started reading again because a book is easier to walk away from, lol. But even that is difficult to commit to. 

I'm kind of at a point where the cadence is there, but understanding what's being asked of us is still challenging. Mr. Chicken has picked up on subtleties much better than I. I think this is the part where my smoother brain has to really try to fill in the blanks - which is something I am so, so bad at. Where people kinda assume and guess, I kinda wait and observe until something makes sense enough to go off of. It's that's whole, "take things too literally" charm that's just so loveable. Within this element of chaos, I'm... still learning, lol.

Confounding. Someone said that eventually we'll be able to differentiate signs and sounds. I very much look forward to that day. But also not that quickly because I don't want Mung Bean to grow faster than I can enjoy and embrace the tiny-ness.

Something else that I'm learning, although was aware of prior, is the 2-player system. It's extra important now in different ways. For us, I've broken it down to two sectors in how we kinda tackle things; Research & Development and Deployment. 

Fond of solutions, research, and efficiency, Mr. Chicken excels in R & D.
I am Deployment, in that everything Mr. Chicken finds, I deploy it!
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it takes time and tinkering, or just realizing it doesn't work anymore.
And sometimes he shifts into Deployment because I am often... fatigued. But that's kinda how we're approaching stuff. I think it helps to establish or recognize how each person may approach things. We're methodical and pragmatic, it's adorable.

I was research-crazy when it came to planning how stuff would go with my labor and birth, but this is whole thing is beyond me, with control feeling outside of my reach so often.

And then there's the part where you can't forget your homie. Your love. Your 2nd player. Your partner in everything. Even through the exhaustion, say Thank you. And if something feels off, bring it up and ask about it. 
We're doing pretty good I'd say, but I have caught myself being curt when I'm out of it, and exhaustion will test you. He's passed out right now next to me, but looking at him makes me feel safe. And I wish I could express that to him every time things shake up a bit because we're so fatigued and delirious. 

Someone at work once told me that people tend to grow apart in child-bearing marriages or relationships in general because there's little to no room for the significant other- it's all about the bean. This colleague is older, so I listened intently as he was telling me how he can enjoy time with his wife, and how great it is now. I was really happy for him. I'll never forget his advice.

So, by Mung Bean, I've gotten shat bomb'd three times now. 

I don't even care, I'm gonna talk about it. Mung Bean is armed, and won't hesitate to shoot. That's been made clear enough times now that every time a diaper needs changed, we brace ourselves to take damage. It's interesting actually, newborn poop smells doughy and sweet. Taking the diaper trash bag out today had me thinking about 85° bakery. I said what I said. I'll take that any day over... other stuff.

But honestly, I'm burned out. I often wonder how things would be if... all I had to focus on was our baby. Yeah, I'd be tired, but perhaps it'd be a different kind of tired instead of what I'm feeling now. 

I think post partum stuff is hard now because circumstances are more nuanced than a couple focusing to adjust with a newborn. I feel like I'm being ripped at the seams daily, although I try to repair myself, and feel like I do, slowly, it's a constant exhaustion I can't seem to keep pace with. But thankfully, Mung Bean is falling into more of a routine that I can follow a little better. That helps with managing how to best attend to Mung Bean's needs, but emotionally and psychologically connecting feels stagnated. 
 

There are circumstances outside of the newborn baby that have taken up much of my energy and attention, and I'm... gonna have my first therapy appointment tomorrow, lmaoooo.

WEDDING YAY

We recently attended Sister Chicken's wedding. It was so nice ^_^

We had no idea Knotts has their own hotel, lol.

And Snoopy made an appearance! It was so cute!
Was a good time. We got to see family that traveled and enjoyed the evening. It was ultimately decided that Mung Bean going wasn't a good idea after all, and my mom insisted on staying home to babysit. I was bummed, but at least my mom got to snuggle with Mung Bean as much as she wanted, all cozy and stuff just the two of them in the peace and quit. Kinda jealous, lmao.

My dad's flight came in a little later. While they're here visiting, I felt bad that I couldn't really take them out anywhere.

My mom says it's fine, but they are not like us. Perhaps its a testament to my lame empathy, but I feel their cabin fever and boredom. They don't have the confidence to drive here, even though they can use my car. The drivers here are too aggressive, it's nothing like back in PA. And so I wanted to take them somewhere nice to get out of the house. 

My mother in law offered to take care of Mung Bean while we went out. This was kind of a godsend because we were ready to go with everything in tow. We packed for Mung Bean and had the stroller ready and everything and mentally prepared ourselves for the trek and traffic and people and just... outside. But she came through and said go, I'll watch the bean. Phew. 

I didn't realize it then, but had we brought the bean... it would've been so... chaotic, my god. 

Anywho, Mr. Chicken, against his absolute seething hatred of driving anywhere near LA, drove us to the Americana. 

I thanked him. I know how much he hates it. It's just there's nothing like this back where my parents live. I wanted to take them somewhere nice. I feel so bad that they've been cooped up in our house with nothing to do. 
One could make the argument that they knew it was going to be this way with a new baby, but people can't help who they are and while I would be totally happy staying home, just us, for the rest of my life, they aren't like me. Or Mr. Chicken. Most people aren't. 

It was pretty. I bought my mom some books to keep her preoccupied, and we took them to dinner. They got to see the lights and christmas tree at night. 

Family were super generous for Christmas. Long story short, a cousin has the hook up and sent us this UV sanitizer and dryer as a gift. It's so nice. It's the size of a small office fridge. This is so helpful, omg. I couldn't believe it when we were told this was being sent to us. 

Doesn't have to be just baby stuff either. 

My wee babe so cyoo, omg.

Lol, so we had to go somewhere one day, I forget where. And then told my parents we were gonna grab food after since we were gonna be further out. They said don't worry, they'll take care of Mung Bean. So, Mr, Chicken had a place in mind he was curious about - 

It's been open for a few months, but it was much more than what we were expecting. We showed up thinking we were gonna eat pleb Korean BBQ. The place inside is beautiful and sorta upscale. And... there are cabinets by the waiting area. Just. Unreal. and so awesome.

We get seated and omg it's so nice inside. Ruh roh, lol.

We got the gold AYCE package. Screw it. :D 
And turns out my membership from the hotpot wagyu spot works at this KBBQ wagyu spot. We had no clue it was a wagyu place, lol.

Toro and wagyu nigiri tasted like how nirvana probably feels.

When the universe sends you a blessing, you don't awsk why it was seeeeeennnt
(Prince of Egypt anyone?)

So we were just like, WELP. This is fine. 

And it was. We deserve this, lol.

I forget what drink he got, but I got an ube cocktail. Sublime.

Fullfilled, we went home to snuggle our bean. I find myself always missing the bean when I have to step out. The little cries, the jerky movements, and I get this yearning to snuggle. 

Today was ideal. I got to take a long much needed nap with Mung Bean snuggled up with me, and it was great. Usually I do that to sooth the bean for bed time if nothing else works, but nap time today was really nice. Also just being knocked out was probably what I needed the most.

Recently during dinner, my daddy once caughtch a fly with his bare hands.

 

-Ah, I paused for a while to take care of stuff and am now resuming. This post is over a week in the making. 

I gotta say fellas... I need more cowbell!

Just kidding, I'm struggling lol. It's not something that's like... I wanna talk about. There's not much to talk about. I mean, there is, but there's no solution. If anything, a drawn out conversation of me explaining everything sounds even more exhausting, lol. Unless it's to Mr. Chicken. He already knows, though.

I can absolutely say that the exhaustion and fatigue is taking its toll more and more. I don't feel like myself. When I cried, it used to mean something. 

I'm not sure what to do with all of the side effects of how overwhelmed I am. Where to exert these expressions. They end up getting misdirected so often, I don't like this version of myself. I may start isolating myself when my emotions elevate. 

I've been in a relationship where my distress became a daily thing to ignore, and I can't let this post partum stuff turn into that. It's agony.

"Now you know how difficult I am." - Jackie Chan, Rush Hour

These chocolates have been friends. I'm not a fan of chocolate, but when I can't eat, it's nice to have something small and quick to nurse on in between slowly losing yourself. Behold my custom, designer brace for my wrist. She only had time to make one. But lucky for me, if I need one for my left wrist, they're just a call away! 

Surely my wrists will heal in no time, especially with how much I need to handle Mung Bean and the work I do when I go back. No stress there whatsoever!

Ah, yes. New hobby unlocked.

Getting back into reading, but with annotating. I found inspiration in this @cupsandthoughts person on the internet. I've so much wanted to get back into reading, but focusing is a struggle for me. Unless there's something else happening, like drawings to follow, I'll forget entire pages I had just read.

Annotating so far has been a lot of fun. I can take things in and interact with the scenes. It keeps me more invested and writing little notes of what I think here and there have been cathartic. 

I started on a book I got a long time ago and go into a few pages but stopped. Probably because of a game or something. But now since I can't really sit and game (how I want to), this works. 

It's not as painful to set a book down as it is to completely pause your whole brain and self mid-game. One is much more engaging to me than the other, therefore harder to enjoy with consistent pauses. 

So, mentally and emotionally, I'm taking some damage over time. External circumstances, my wrists, my exhaustion and the emotions that stem from it, losing my sense of identity, and not really being able to enjoy the things I used to. Am I running on empty? I'm not sure, honestly. Feels like it, but I also think things can be much worse. These all seem like growing pains that are just part of it, and while I know it's temporary, I just gotta get through it. It gets better. This is actually just hard mode right now. But I can do it.
In spite of everything, I love how small and needy Mung Bean is right now. The only thing that actually sucks about Mung Bean is the incredible bile attack that irritates our skin wherever the spit-up lands. Definitely taking damage from that. It's like straight up venom or something, lol.
Ummmm, what else?

I'm looking forward to this therapy thing tomorrow, though. I've never had a session before. I don't like the idea of someone using psychology on me, but we'll see how it goes. I guess it can't be worse than all the psychic damage I'm enduring from myself now.

It's gonna be Christmas soon. I'm absolutely counting my blessings. They keep me afloat, even though some days I can't see them through my blinders. That's what it feels like. But I am looking forward to Christmas Eve. It's the closest right now to getting out of my mindset without leaving the house. 

lol I came back to the living room to finish this post and sit next to Ophelia. She looks up at me, inches close to my face and licks my nose. This triggers me to cry. Like she knows that I'm... a mess. I'm not sure whether or not that's true, but her little show of affection felt like it healed me a little bit. Sigh.

I ordered a nail repair kit thing. My determination to have Bib Fortuna nails is stronger than ever. My thumb nails want to test me, but I will endure, and come out victorious. 

 Here's to another year-end.
Thankful for loved ones, food, our healthy eldest and the bean, and a second season of Silo. 
My husband and baby are in the bedroom safe and sound, my parents asleep peacefully in our guest room, Ophelia nestled at my side, and the house is quiet, dimly glowing from the christmas lights on our tree. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. May you find yourself comfortable this season, surrounded by warmth and shelter, and affections. 

I'm gonna keep doing my best.