Add on

   When he strokes his fingers down your form and glides them over the ugly scars and the area where you've put on weight
looks you in the eyes after your make up has come off,
then goes on to kiss you with abandon,
overlooking every flaw you've ever damned about yourself that has bled into so many prior aspects of your day to day life...

It's nothing at all like my not wanting to be seen as I am in my own skin for fear of being put down again-- how that had bled out into my daily routine, losing motivation in all I did and not wanting to try anymore. Feeling ugly, gross, undesired, and seen as a chore.

I have been doing well- better on my own. But he has become an add-on to my life that has amplified my burst damage towards everything life has thrown so far. I just got hit with 3 bombs that could change my life drastically moving forward, depending on how things pan out with my family. I don't wanna talk about it, but it sucks.
Despite all that I look forward to things, and feel refreshed. I can't believe how much it's changed my outlook.
It's like... okay it's like I'm World of Warcraft, and I have my own UI, and I'm fine as I am. Like, I'm good. I do what I gotta do and it works, but then like Combustion Helper gets installed and suddenly I'm like... damn this is NICE. Like I know my rotations and when to go for the crit prompts, but CH just makes everything so much nicer, and I want to do better because I have this add on now that's enhancing what I already have, instead of telling me how shitty I am.

Best analogy ever?

Like I know I'm not shitty, far from it. Except when someone in particular either encourages that or deliberately belittles that, it can do a lot to you on an emotional level, which can manifest either really positively, or really negatively.

Climbing out of one side of the spectrum, to a neutral field, then finding myself in the completely opposite spectrum has done all kinds of wonky things to my self esteem. My cynicism has evolved into a Charizard, which undoubtedly tests his patience-- though he seems to have zero qualms with my constantly pushing him away. It's like I'll put walls up time and time again, and he's just like nope. He tells me to shut up, smiles at me, and goes in to exactly what I feared he wouldn't. Wall gone. I wonder how transparent I am to him. He says he can read me easily, and enjoys challenges? And like, leaderboards? I dunno, he's an achievement whore on XBOX 360 so.

I guess what it comes down to is... I'm seeing someone who has breathed a life into me that I thought I didn't want. Because of that, I feel better about everything else in my life. It's stupid, and cliche, but wow... it's a really nice feeling.
And like.. I hate my scars. And I gained 3 lbs again I think-- or at least that's what it looks like?  Or maybe I'm just bloated? idk-- he doesn't care! He still wants to hug me and be with me and kiss me and that's a big deal to me, lol.

That sounds really, really pathetic, but hey... until you've lived both ends of the spectrum... stfu. :P

While I've been here in Harrisburg I'd wake up in the middle of the night, like right now, it's 6AM, and he'd be awake and we'd have things.

I'd like to preserve these things because... they make me happy.

STFU.

  

a fortnight




I cannot wait to be in LA again.

PS: Don't worry... there's a ton of shit coming from the last 2 weeks!