Desperation

No lo puedo creer. Todavia no lo puedo creer.

I can't... even though it's been a while since I last updated this thing, I need to vent. Everything feels like a shitty dream. Like a joke. It's like the same feeling when I saw the gunman standing before me and my coworkers... it felt like a monumental joke.

it's not. it's not, and my brain is still struggling to wrap my reasoning around all of this.

but it's real. it's real and it's happening and i can't do anything and my logic is wearing away.
i'm becoming desperate. i can't believe this is happening. i can't bear it.  i can't bear that my mom is sleeping in a jail cell. my mom was arrested on her birthday, in Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport. she was arrested and incarcerated on the assumption that she was smuggling drugs into the united states. because she trusted someone in Peru, who snuck cocaine into a jacket pocket, which she was bringing back with her to Pennsylvania to give to someone.

she was taken advantage of and made to be a mule. and because of this evil fucking piece of shit, this putrid disgrace of humanity that deserves to rot, she is in jail. and i can't keep my composure well.

she is in contact with my dad-- for the brief time that she is allowed a phone call. writing that out and seeing it as a sentence fucking kills me.
he called me last night. i had been trying to call her all day yesterday, to wish her happy birthday. her phone was off. i had figured she was still in Peru, maybe her flight was delayed.
she travels often. didn't think it was an issue.

around 8 last night my dad calls me. the first thing he tells me, "your mom is okay. i need you to understand that she is doing okay." that's probably the worst way to start a phone call. especially on the day that she's scheduled to arrive in Pennsylvania, and he was supposed to pick her up.

i've googled things.
looked up penalties. sentencing. old cases of drugs being planted in luggage.
it's made clearer to me why people saran-wrap their luggage, now. not that that would've helped my mom in this case, but it eliminates tampering.

i haven't spoken with her. just my dad, and today an uncle in florida got in touch with me. he called me a few times while i was at work. i was finally able to get back to him after clocking out at 11:30. he tells me everything will be okay. he knows people.

my rational mind, or what's left of it, desperately grasps onto the little reason i have left and tries to argue otherwise, but i want so desperately to let go of that and believe that, just because she's innocent and a good person, she will be okay. but the world doesn't work like that. the world has no reason to work like that. and our justice system is fucked. she's a small, hispanic woman who speaks broken english who was "caught" bringing drugs into the united states. why would the judge believe her? for all he cares, she's just some borderhopper trying to make some money, right? she's just some fucking wetback beaner immigrant. that's what they're gonna think. that's our justice system.

but she's innocent. she's innocent.
she was wronged so... much..
she doesn't deserve this why would this happen why did this happen to her

i can't believe this happened

but she's strong. way stronger than me. she has hope.
i have a stone.... she bought it for me in Little Tokyo on our trip there together while she was here visiting.
It says "Hope" on it. It was one of many-- others would say things like "faith" "love" "believe" "courage" "prosperity" I went with hope, because it's what I lack. and now... i feel like i need to smash this stone on my head until it sinks in. I need to hope that everything will be okay, and things will work out.
they have to.

they have to work out
she can't go to prison
she's innocent she didn't do anything she was framed
my mommy was framed
they took advantage

she's innocent

she's innocent my mommy is innocent i can't believe this... she's innocent please let her go

please
she didn't know
she would never ever ever ever ever do that
never

not only that, but how fucking stupid do you have to be to think that the scanners wouldn't see drugs in luggage... in a jacket pocket!? REALLY? fucking STUPID, EVIL MALDITO HIJO DE PUTA QUE TE PUDRES EN EL INFIERNO PEDASO DE MIERDA. MALDITA ESCUASA DE VIDA.

but...
i am without words and floored by the amount of compassion and support and love that has come pouring in from friends. even those who i haven't heard from in a while... you reached out, and i thank you. if i haven't responded yet, please know that i saw you and i that i appreciate you so so much. i'm overwhelmed with gratitude and i need you to know that your actions are helping me A LOT. i feel useless. like i can't support myself. my emotions are getting the best of me but then i get another text or a message from someone and clarity sets in little by little. so thank you. thank you from the bottom of my heart-- from every shitty, cynical little bit of me i have left right now, thank you.

there is some good news. my uncle, in florida, has some avenues available to him that puts him at an advantage to helping her directly. he is confident in this, and has reassured me that things will be okay. this is soothing news to me, but again... this whole thing is a serious issue. it's... delicate.

please forgive my ramblings... my thoughts aren't well put together at the moment. i may say things that are shitty and may regret later but you know what? this is the 3rd shittiest thing that's happened to me in my life and my choice of words is really not a concern right now. but yeah.... i'm rambling again.

he tell sme to not stress out, to remain calm. i felt obligated to tell my supervisor this morning too, when i came into work. i broke down a few times. i tried to be strong for her. she's kinda of someone i look up to because she's so well put together emotionally... like she doesn't do emotions well. which is great and what i needed, but i broke down. so i clarified, and she leveled with me, which i appreciated so much, because... like, how the fuck do you even respond to news like that from a coworker?

like me, she is negative, and not the most optimistic. she's severely realistic, and short with people because she likes to get to the point. i like her a lot because of this, we get a long really well. but... she was being positive for me today, and like... oh man. that was a gift. because it's so hard to be positive or even just give advice, but she did. and it worked. she did it while being realistic, which made it much easier for me to register, but... sigh. she was right.

there's no use in worrying or stressing about it now, because there's nothing i can do. i've been told that, but the way she worded it made it seem like less of a pitty talk. not that i don't appreciate the condolences from my other friends... my brain is just hardwired to to reject hope.

i'm working on that.


right now... my mom is sitting in a cell, either alone, or with someone else. who may or not be guilty of a crime. the thought of that is... agonizing.
i won't hear from her for a while... but i just want to hear her tell me she's okay. i want to tell her how much i love her and how much everyone loves her and how she's going to get through it because she's a bad ass bitch and she gets through everything. she's the reason i try to be hard all the time. i never see her cry. i heard her cry over the phone when our rottweiler, "Baby" had to be put down, and when she called me to tell me my abuela passed away. It fucking sucks. It's the worst feeling... the worst sound in the world. to hear your mother cry.

and she was probably crying last night. crying herself to sleep. or maybe she wasn't. because she's strong. but i know she wanted to. and... she's over there, and i'm here.
can i even see her if i were to fly over there? my uncle says he'll take care of things... all my faith is in him, because the justice system is fucked here. i worry so much, because of her broken english. because of her race. her nationality. i worry about how she'll be treated. she's so small. she's fierce, but when no one believes you and you're fighting--- you know waht? i can't think about that shit right now.


hope.

hope hope hope.

los amo.

todo va salir bien.