Flaws

   Saving Nuka World is a big job. Gangs to befriend, collectibles to obtain, rides to explore. Sheesh. But it goes without saying that this Fallout 4 DLC is by far my favorite- even though the story in Far Harbor was incredible. And may I just say.. DiMA was quite satisfying to interact with. He was like a synth version of Dr. Manhattan. Mmph! 

My kink is extraordinarily observant and intelligent, hyper-rational, empathic bois with a calm disposition.

Fallout 4 still holds a monopoly over my life (save for Overwatch and Hearthstone).

ANYWHO. 

      So, a few days ago, I decided to try and improve something about myself that, I've realized, is flustering to some I'm close to. Maybe other friends have noticed this about me also but never said anything. Or they haven't. IDK. It's kinda silly.

It's a communication thing. I process things differently. Like, there are blanks that don't fill in for me automatically the way that they should. And in conversation, I find myself confused more than I should be. With multiple people. 

What one of my friends tried to break down for me is that I do not fill in subjective context that is delivered to me. That is to say that I do not assume purpose, meaning, or syntax if what is being said to me is not entirely literal. This happens often. And it clashes with the use of generalizations and ways of just assuming what a person "meant to say" instead of what they actually said. 

I have no problem having conversations with people. The problem comes with verbiage and expression. My redundancy is to reinforce clarification that ... I'm a social idiot that cannot pick up on what people are trying to say to me without becoming confused, followed by looking at them like a deer in headlights.

My boyfriend is so patient with me when I ask him to rephrase or clarify. As are my peers at work with whom I'm always communicating with. 

I'm not sure exactly what it is or why subjective expressions confuse me so much. Or why I simply just cannot register what is being construed. But I'm gonna try to improve on that. 

It's not something I'm ashamed of. If anything, it's kind of fascinating lol. My only guilt lies in that sometimes, my glitch is taxing the patience of my loved ones lol. They by no means make me feel bad at all, and are all for helping me in whatever way they can- even if it means making adjustments to their use of syntax. WHICH IS SO CUTE I LOVE THEM SO MUCH TT_TT

With every little idiosyncrasy comes an opportunity to improve! I'm not looking to "fix" that about myself. I don't even think I could. That's just not how my brain works. But I will try and be less analytical about what is being delivered to me. Which will ironically delay how I fully register something, but it's a start! lol 

Self-improvement things, yay! Honestly it's a virtue I only learned to fully embrace in my late 20's. And to that, I owe credit to 4 people for saying life-changing things to me. 

• The first| was an old friend from high school, Amanda. She once told me she felt I was conceited. I looked it up, and from then on, it was my mission to not make everything about my experiences or opinions. I thought she was my friend, so I took her words very seriously and worked on being mindful of how I presented myself, and my contributions to conversation. It stuck to this very day. Whatever intent was behind her saying that, it helped me.

• The second| was overhearing my high school ex and his friend talking about a girl. Not the subject of a crush or anything, just a homie of theirs. His friend was very smart, so I looked up to him, despite how intimidating he was to me. He said, "she never gets offended! She's so fun" as he laughed over some joke they discussed. He found her appealing, and was fond of her. That changed me. I agreed with him. Moving forward, I would reconsider how I perceived things so as to not allow myself to get worked up, or upset. It truly makes for more pleasant experiences overall when you're not looking for something to get angry over.

• The third| was my hiring manager in San Francisco. Upon hire, she mentioned to me that I will encounter all kinds of people. Some will simply be in a bad mood before walking through the door. Never take things personally. I took this advice and held it close to my heart. To this day, even when someone is making it personal, I do not register it as so, and turn away.

• And finally, the fourth| was an ex that told me I would get defensive. This was one of those things that I did not understand and confused me. Which only fueled that trait. It was a broad term that I didn't understand the social context of. It wasn't until later on that I worked with a defensive boss that it finally made sense to me. She made excuses for everything, and fault was seldom hers to own. Approaching her was often a challenge; the point of the message would surely get misconstrued into a personal attack instead of a means to solve a problem. This is what my ex was trying to explain to me, but I never understood until that point. And this is what changed me.

All this considered, the self-awareness I've gotten from all of these small things in life, totally makes feedback very precious to me. I welcome it openly. And improvement is something to always strive for. Now, I'm realizing another opportunity to adjust something that can lead to me being less confused in one on one conversations lol. Maybe it's a flaw, maybe it's not. I may just register things differently, and that's that. Either way, it doesn't upset me. Just something I could be more mindful of!
I definitely have a lot of personality flaws and traits that I wish I could just turn off overnight. But I try to keep them in check- unless you're a dick to me. Then, it's different! ha. But yeah. My brain poop. Scattered here. everywhere.

The funny thing is what got me thinking about all this stuff was really all the supportive and loving post it notes in the bathrooms at work!

It made me want to look at myself and analyze. Even more than usual lol. Kinda like a Windows update thing. Scan all the software, look for glitches, re-evaluate. I have to do it one glitch at a time but this is where I'm at, mentally. It's a good place. Makes me feel good ^_^ 

I think if more people did little software scans every now and then, instead of trying to get the next best hardware asap to compete with someone else's hardware, then we'd all probably be a little bit better off. 

This was a different kind of post but the next one will have more exciting photos and commentary lol. I'm sorry for the lame mental poop! I just love mental poops. Poops in general aren't appreciated enough. They're so relieving, and they tell you so much about what's going on in your body! LOOK IT UP. YOUR POOP TALKS TO YOU, LISTEN TO IT. 

Anyway. Yeah. Poop

Here's a picture of me squishing an extraordinarily observant and intelligent, hyper-rational, empathic boi with a calm disposition, in the cafeteria at work.

 a ghost is on my eyeball

THANKS FOR THE PICTURE, BRIAN