Invited

 Probably gonna shoot myself in the foot... but for the longest time, I felt that trips goths make to cemeteries for photoshoots and picnics and shit were SO tacky.

Opinions incoming.

This is the part where I say that several years ago, I'd done 2 shoots at cemeteries. One was promotional for selling merchandise for a vendor, another was for an indie project that never made it to fruition.
STILL. The most cliche shit ever. Like, if I were buried somewhere, I wouldn't want some greasy assholes posing on my tombstone so they can post their terribad photo of my grave on social media. [Few will know where I'm buried, if I even decide on that.]
But then... one day in Pennsylvania, in an old abandoned mining town in a tiny, old abandoned cemetery, I walked down a lone, solitary path to admire the tombstones- most dating back to mid 1800s.
And then the scary thing happened, and I shit my pants, and after hurrying to the car, Chicken basically summarized a very simple but sensible belief that stayed with me - "You weren't invited.."

That shit turned my world upside down.

He's not religious, and while I don't subscribe to anything either, I like to think that I'm spiritual in some ways. But when even he said that, I was like... Oh damn. You're probably right. That makes sense.

Unless I'm visiting to pay respects or I guess working now, idling out of vanity- just doesn't sit right with me. If I am not family, or paying respects, or a caretaker, or someone who services those who have passed on, my ass doesn't need to be there uninvited.

And like, I GET IT. I know. Cemeteries are ethereal, and calm, and beautiful, and peaceful, and while morbid in nature, they hold a sense of serenity and tranquility. They are gorgeous resting places for the dead. I GET IT. Hi, have we met?

Which is why....
When a colleague invited me to join her in visiting her grandfather's resting place during lunch break, it felt different. What Chicken said to me was always in the back of my mind.

I asked for permission to document our moment there, and if it was alright to write about it here to share. She gladly consented. I've never gathered like this to eat among other peoples' loved ones. Ever. This was pleasant, as we had to go to another cemetery earlier in the day for work. Call me a weirdo but being there as an invited guest felt kind of intimate.

Also, she had this in her car and it was really cute omg.

Someone else invited me to come with them to visit a family member years ago. It was actually then that kinda solidified wanting to go into Mortuary Science studies when she told me that a relative of a friend had passed in a car accident, and her viewing was abysmal. Her heritage didn't read through the exaggerated cosmetics that had been applied to her. She said the eye make-up was grotesque, and her lipstick a bright pink color- "they made her look white", as she recalled the retelling of her Hispanic friend's experience with the final viewing of their loved one. That made me recoil. Disgusting. I felt kinda mad that people entrusted to care for these loved ones can be so careless and negligent. Still disgusts me. That's absolutely unacceptable...

But now, here I am.
Thank you for telling me your story, Judith. I never forgot it. And still feel sorry that their last moments with her were so indignant. She deserved better, as did the family.

*takes deep breath*

Uh. So. About things that are indignant...ish. Affronted's more like it.
.. I feel similarly regarding religious iconography on fashion. Someone once gave me the stinkeye for expressing that the trend with crosses and pentagrams and shit on dresses, bags, tights, shoes, etc. was distasteful. I have one rosary. It resembles the one my grandmother had- she was a Catholic. As are my parents. I don't wear it. I think I wore it out once several years ago. It felt weird. Now that I work with families of varying faiths, it just further reinforces that value because I'd feel like a complete asshole wearing Catholic crosses to stuff. I don't even wanna imagine a family who is actually of that faith to look to me and approach me with a preconception.... only to discover that I felt like wearing their faith as a fashion accessory and like, "OH HAHA. NO, IT JUST LOOKS COOL :)" ... that just... ugh. That's so... utterly disappointing.
So, yeah. I'm not gonna police people on shit- vanity can get dialed up to 11 and when it does, the ego gets crazy and ... I don't care enough. But I just wanted to get this off my chest.

OPINION: Religious iconography on shitty overpriced merchandise and photoshoots in the cemetery are all the way up, tacky. And I'm probably the only goth on the planet that feels this way. Which is fine.

Uh. So after my stupid breakdown last week, the realization sunk in that two dream jobs happened. One was working at Blizzard as a barista- something I never in a million years thought was possible. And now finding myself at my career destination... It doesn't feel like work. And it's beyond rewarding. The most amazing part of it is that it's not a skeezy corporation! (That's all I'll say on the matter :D)

They're just as excited as I am to present me with all sorts of learning experiences within every asset of the industry and the duties that come with Funeral work and.. I just. My heart. It's so happy.

Some of my long-worn accessories to my vanity and admittedly a part of my identity took a hit, but honestly... brushing my hair out... if it was gonna be for anything.. I'm glad it was to minimize myself in the wake of others' grief. It's humbling, and I'm happy to sit my ass down and blend in. It's not about me anymore. That feels good to say.

The only big transformation is the hair, but it feels like a lot more.

OH. ALSO, THIS IS MY STUPID SPIRITUAL SIDE BUT

TWO OF MY COLLEAGUES THAT I MOST WORK WITH ARE A LIBRA AND A CAPRICORN ^_^
Libras are so easy and personable to get along with. She likes my stupid puns.

And Capricorns I really like because when they get comfortable they can talk forever and just spew everything out, and this is fine because I'm a listener :D
And we all click. Everyone clicks. EVERYONE IS SO SWEET

AND NICE

AND AMAZING

And it feels good to talk about things I'm passionate about without feeling out of place lol. Like, earlier we had to transport stuff to Inglewood, and the whole drive there was just talking about life and ghosts and hauntings and afterlife, and traditions, and hobbies and and and just.. ruminating on death and the like. And it was such a positive thing. And. It's not every day that I can talk to people about death and connect positively. THEY GET IT. It just feels really good.

Ok, I'm rambling.

Chicken got me lunchables to take to work... because I asked ^_^
But they're not the pizza ones LOL. Costco apparently only does the packs of cheese and crackers. Which isn't surprising because their marinara sauce is the bland kind lololol

And... another wonderful thingie... Chicken kind of reaffirmed our marriage proposal by giving me his mother's ring the other night. It's a ring his grandma had, who gave it to his mother, and is now giving it to me. And. My heart. It's so happy. When all this pandemic shit is over, hopefully we can seal the deal sooner than later. I'm sorry, but I'm not getting married in front of a grody sports arena. No thank you. I'm going to look obnoxiously ethereal at my low-key Peruvian/Taiwanese/Gloomy wedding and that's not up for debate.

Once again, things feel like they're shifting back into good, comfy equilibrium. School stuff with the Mortuary Science program usually stresses me out, but lately it's been the last thing on my mind. Apparently it's trash LOL. That's all I'll say.

Keeping my journal has been so cathartic. A lot is going on this month. Annnd, my colleague who I worked with on my first day told me to keep one of the flowers from our transport as a memoir of .. my new beginning! So I did. It's very special.

Since my first day, all kinds of lessons have been thrown in... completely by chance. Can even consider soe of them as last minute challenges lol. I won't talk about my first service, but I think that's when disassociation and how my brain works started to turn some gears I hadn't ... turned before?
Talking to Chicken, Ponies, and some of my friends about it has helped compartmentalize emotions I haven't processed yet. I also joined a discord server with other funeral workers and... as soon as I thought my brain didn't work right, I told them. They helped a lot, too.

I'm prepared for those conversations that go nowhere with Chicken, or with my bff about my work days because sometimes there's literally nothing to be said. Or at least... I won't know what I would expect from them if I went to them with something that affected me in a very specific way. So that's what discord is for LOL. Or my colleagues. Problem is I wanna share my experiences with them, but I know not all them are the easiest to digest.

Speaking of not easy to digest... Meemurs is loosing a lot of teeth.

After the move, I set her outside to readjust to the climate and she's finally going into hibernation. A lot of her traps are going dormant. If I didn't know about that, I'd probably still be crying. In spite of that though, a lot of her traps are still vibrant and several are even growing in! I fed her 4 huge ants yesterday. She hasn't eaten in a while. I'm hoping her meals give her the nutrients she may be lacking.
And my petunias are adjusting gradually. More are blossoming, but something happened with a lot of the leaves that made them shed off. Baby leaves are growing in tho. They seem to like being outside.


ANYWAY

新年快乐!
Happy Lunar New Year!

We got lanterns to assemble and put up around the house! ^_^

Decorating I guess isn't a big thing, but my mom loves to decorate for holidays, and that rubbed off on me. Soooooooooooo WE GONNA DECORATE ALL PRETTY AND STUFF :D

Ahh, lanterns are so beautiful. I wanna keep them up forever LOL

These are so fun to set up! And once finished, can put mini RGB candles inside to light them up.

When I got home from work today, a huge meal was waiting. Best feeling. Even better feeling...

Chicken's mom gave me a red envelope. She says to keep this in my pocket for good luck tomorrow.
HAPPY SIGH.
My blazer has fake pokets. But I will keep it with me throughout the day.

I sleep. The weekend comes. While I like to think that it'll be a potato for most of it, I have homework to catch up on. But! There's food. And comfy blankets and a comfy bed, and my book, and Hades. And Genshin Impact. With that... farewell Reader!

Happy Lunar New Year!

Wear a mask
Respect the dead

Lengua tacos are dope

kbye lol