Sanctuary

         Shit is hilarious. Like,

   I am genuinely amazed. There's a special kind of fucked up going on when my mom, who worked hard all her life and wanted nothing but to help people, gets the shittiest end of the shittiest stick. That's amazing. I am just.... like, I'm impressed. I always thought she had way too much heart and gave people too many chances. and then ---- she helps the wrong people, and just... amazing.

I love it. If I could stand up and applaud the universe at a theater performance of my mothers misfortunes, I'd fucking clap my hands into broken deformities and then repeatedly slap myself with my ugly, floppy broken hands. Just, yanno, for the lols.

BRAVA.
DOPE. 10/10.
I'M SO GLAD THAT GOOD PEOPLE CAN SUFFER LIKE THIS.


Apologies. I'm venting.
I'm 90% sure it's just PMS because my boobs are being assholes again. I don't even HAVE boobs. How in all of Dante's shitty inferno does that even work?
And also like, fuck this math class.

Best intro ever?

But then, I have my little salvations. My little sanctuaries, if you will.
I can't tell you though, how guilty I feel for having them. But throughout all this crap, it's really good to be able to have that.

 T is one of them.
 What's amazing about our relationship is how we just naturally clicked.
It wasn't until later that I found out that she had been hurt, severely.
I have this theory that people who are broken, or were broken, somehow find each other and naturally just create this little ... land together, where they can mend. It's safer there. And there's understanding, and compassion. At least, that's how she makes me feel. Broken hearts attract other broken hearts.


Admittedly, I am kind of wary of those who have had the fortune of knowing little to no suffering. How do you level with someone who lived completely different experiences than you? It's hard. I learned that first hand with my ex.

Look familiar?

A few nights ago, she hit me up to sooth a sweet tooth craving. This was good, because I was so down, lol. I had been wracking my head with math assignments all afternoon, and was over it.

 Y E L L O W     F E V E R 

I don't know how I didn't see this last time. 

but omg.

 Too, too real.

 DON'T MIND ME

I'M JUST HERE

TWISTING INTO MY SEAT BACKWARDS IN A RESTAURANT FOR A SELFIE

IT'S FINE

So, since my last visit here, we decided that we should give their food stuff a chance.
So, immediately we went to the munchies stuff lol.

Sweet potato fries and popcorn chicken was the winner. She saw that and was like omg, and I was like I KNOW RIGHT and she was like LETS GET SWEET POTATO FRIES AND POPCORN CHICKEN
and I was like I'M NOT EVEN GONNA ARGUE THAT AT ALL EVER
and so we did.


I didn't know they had this stuff!

It was pretty good.
I've had yummier sweet potato fries though. But it was still good. And now I'm hungry. fuck.

Oh yeah. This too :P

 :D

I just took a bunch of pictures of us because ... idk. I do that. I was really happy that night.

 She wouldn't stop moving! lol

 We didn't wanna go home yet. In fact, she wanted nitro coffee, lol. I had work at 4 am the next morning, she didn't. 

SO.

lol.

While I didn't know any nitro iced coffee places, I do know that the Sbux in Downtown Disney has a clover machine, and clover iced coffee is really good.

so we went to Downtown Disney lol. 

It was like, almost midnight.

 Her future boyfriend better take note.
I show her off and take pictures of her and talk her up, HOMIE BETTER TREAT HER RIGHT.
She deserves the best.

 I want this Oswald so bad, but he's $60 

:(

That's kinda bullshit. I can make one myself, but still. He's so cute!

I'd like to someday meet someone who actually buys these statues and collects them. Like, I want to know your life and your opinions. 

 We walked around for a while until it was time for me to be an adult and sleep at least an hour before work.

At least this time I slept some. Sometimes I just go straight to work-- it's bad. My sleep schedule is all kinds of fucked up.

 Hi Ponies.

You bitch, lol.

 Ramen.

He's such a brat, and I envy that he has that abandon in him to be so savage, lmao.

He's hilariously ruthless--

 What would I do without Ponies, lol. He keeps me in check. 

When I try to keep him in check though, he snaps back: "don't tell me what to do! I'll do whatever I feel like doing." lol

And he does, lol. He does.

Bless pot stickers.  

So a few months back, one of my closest homies moved away. Because of some bullshit. I think it was school. Idk. WHATEVER.
He was in town this weekend visiting family. He made a trio-- T, him, and myself.
You guys remember Dihnny?

Look at this fool's hair

He came in to see us at work early yesterday morning. T and I were both working, and we dropped everything to go hug him, even if it was for a few seconds-- what the morning rush allowed.
But once T was off, we met up at work and headed out.
We were only going to be able to see him that afternoon, so it had to be worthwhile. We missed him so much. 
 He's so unique to me, because I've never had a friend like him. And being in his presence with that kinship we have was so wonderful to relive. We were all together again like before and I was so happy!

Even happier still, because he wanted 7 Leaves!

Tarooooooo ^____^

But it wasn't just us 3 that afternoon.
T brought someone else along :)

It was both Dihnny and I's first time meeting her.
Her name is similar to "Navi"
so that's what we'll call her here.

She took a liking to me, lol-- calls me big sister. It's cool. I call her little sister.
I didn't even bring up Bioshock but it's like we already click tho!

 Huntington Beach was a must.
It was the last place we hung out together before he left.
Naturally, it would be that place once again.

 She's so smart.
She literally just says random facts about animals that no one knows about. I learned that lady bugs lay their eggs under leaves. And when they're pupae, they make cocoons that turn into a chrysalis that the lady bugs hatch out of. She knows the word "chrysalis."

She's 4.

She told me bald eagles have to fly at a certain speed when they're circling, otherwise they'll use up their energy.

She just kept going. It was amazing.

I don't consider myself to be good with kids at all. I think I'm awkward and I try to be really sweet with them because the first thing they see when they see me is..... me, lol. But She's cool. I like her a lot. Navi's dope.

You inspire me, T.

I hope you see in yourself what I see in you. 

I'm so grateful my eyes healed. Fuck. 

I'll never take my vision for granted ever again.

She likes bugs, and dinosaurs, and lizards.
She urges T to rescue spiders by taking them outside instead of killing them.
She knows how to protect mommy when mommy needs protecting, only at 4 years old. This girl is gonna be dope.

gorgeous

beautiful

sexy

10/10

werk

 I'm smiling so big looking at these, lol.

It's cool...
No matter what goes down in your life, there are those people who got your back. The homies.
And ahhhhh, that's so good. lol.

 Life is so fucked up.

It can be so painful, and yet so beautiful at the same time. 

It's hard to not go crazy from the emotional tug o war. 

but there's food, so.

Our visit had come to an end when he had to go see family.
but that's why having someone around who takes pictures of everything is great because of thiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssss ^___________^
I've captured our moments together! :D

While it was sad to see him go, T and I were hungry LOL
 We dropped him off. And while we would've loved for him to join us, he was going to go have dinner with family, sooooooooo we immediately split for

Downtown Fullerton ;)

We were JUST here.
I come here too much.
That's totally not even an issue, but it's true.
I was just here with Oppa, too. I WAS JUST AT HUNTINGTON WITH OPPA-- except it was closed off.
Reserved only for Dihnny, T and me, I guess :P
I kid I kid.

I was kinda in the mood for bibimbap. So was she.
So we went to the next best thing to Seoul Street....
SeoulMate, lol.

That's not even on purpose, I swear to you. We were wandering DTF one night when we came across Seoulmate and walked up to it to look at their menu, and it was just complete coincidence that they're also a fusion place. With a similar name.  But they're really good. I like their burritos a lot. (which is what I got lol)
 and...
It's funny, SeoulMate started off as a little shack. And eventually they opened up their own shop. I hope Seoul Street does that. Damn, I'd be there all the time.

T ended up getting the bibimbap

.... I got the spicy pork burrito. =\ 

I can't help it.

it's imperative I live up to my stereotype here in the states :(

We were so full omg. So that means drinks after, right?

So we made our way back to Cha2o, but it was kind of chilly last night, so I told her I'd prefer something hot. Like that Spanish latte she had me try from Dripp.

and she goes ME TOO

and I'm like WTF WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING

and she was like IDK

so we walked to Dripp, lol.

So. good.
It was crowded, which was expected for a Saturday night.  But we managed to find seating inside. ^_^

I made her cry.
She couldn't breathe.
My staring at her while she was laughing was apparently really funny.

 Noms!

 Sooooo good!

 Our walk back to the car was uncomfortable, because we're both kinda socially awkward, and big crowds are equally off-putting. Like this one we were approaching and had to walk through to get to where we parked. Oi.

lol.

I had work this morning at 4:30. Such a bad habit. I didn't get home til around 1ish. She worked early, too. But not as early as I did.

 In spite of the mess I'm in with my family, outside of that, I'm very lucky to have the support and the close friends I do. I look to them when I can't get my thoughts straight and I need to escape. Thank you for being that crutch.


This also brings me to one last thing before closing out!


     Yesterday lol,
One of my buddies asked me a question. And for some reason, I feel like he's not the only one wondering this.

Frankly, since early last year, I have observed zero reason to fully invest in another person.
And I'm weird. I'm just a really weird person in general. 
And I get that people see me and are like, whoa she looks cool or whatever, but nigga I don't give a fuck. There's so much goofy crap under this shell--  of make-up, a not-so-often seen hairstyle, and like, dumb graphic tees. It's just what people first notice about me.
It's me, yeah, but it's also superficial.

 I put this here to make a point.

 I look like that.

So the fuck what.

There are a billion other girls on this planet who are astronomical amounts way cooler than me in every way, shape, and form.

It's a shell.

 So.
Relationships are nice or whatever, but they're also kind of a big deal.
You're INVESTING yourself- you- your being, your existence, your life (in theory), into another person's existence. There's infatuation and sex, but beyond that there has to be something else that you see in someone, a whole different entity from you, as being worth investing yourself into.
And I feel like people don't really understand what that means or really take that into consideration when committing to someone.
It's your time, your efforts, your baggage, and your very way of life that you're about to try to pair up with someone else who also has ALL of those things. And idk anymore. Not only do I not feel I've met someone I want to share myself with, in those aspects, but also the part where they'd want to stay with that part of me too, and not just were attracted to my face and my aesthetic. It's two big factors coming together that have to fit just right--- and for me at least, it's not something to take lightly. I have shit going on. Does your shit match up with my shit?
Can both our shit grow a rose garden? Or will it just stink? Know what I'm saying?
Who knows, maybe it's because I'm older now.

The first time I heard Hikaru Utada's song, "Sanctuary" from Kingdom Hearts... the lyric; "In you and I, there's a new land" ... I always thought was so profound.

In you and I, there's a new land.

think about it. (this is why i'm weird)
that's my standard.

If a dope homie shows up someday, and we end up feeling like we get each other, we connect naturally, and only feel like we're in the coolest place ever just by sitting next to each other-- talking about nothing, forever, then.... I'll probably let him cook for me. There's more to it than that, obviously but yeah.

However, I make it a point to not mistake infatuation for the want of a symbiotic partnership. Especially now, in my emotional state and dealing with what's going on with my parents.

So, Dudemanbro: I hope that answers your question.
And now I'm hungry.

so.

Gastly in a Shell

peacing out