Streak

     You wanna know how stupid anxiety is? Like, how absolutely absurd it can be?

   I'm driving back home from getting food, pull up to a red left turn arrow at a light. Not the far left turn lane, but the second from the left. Details matter, shut up. I'm the only car at the light.
Then, two cars pull up on either side of me. Without glancing, I can tell they are convertibles.

Here's the stupid part.
My mind starts painting a picture of these people, and how they probably turned to look at me.
I freeze and glare forward, armoring my most defensive bitchface I can muster, and count down the seconds until the red arrow turned green. I start to panic about how they are now aware of me, my existence, and I become hyper-aware of everything around me and start angrily thinking things like "why do people even have to look at each other when they pull up to someone? why do you have to look at me? don't look at me." These two complete strangers on either side of my vehicle are stressing me out, until finally the light turns green, and I HAUL. ASS. My tires screeched lol
I wanted to be out of there so fast!
Then seconds later, I thought about how stupid that whole thing was. It's senseless. All in my head. And the funny thing is, if they hadn't been convertibles, I probably wouldn't have reacted like that. Admittedly, I correlate convertibles and pick-up trucks to a certain type of man. I freak out a little when out walking around because sometimes, I can feel the stares, so I use my bag to cover certain areas of myself. It's why I have a big bag. But then, when I feel like that is on either side of me, like when I'm driving, and I can't go anywhere, and these people who I've painted out are potentially there, staring at me or looking over at me in my car, I get soooooooooo uncomfortable.

I also hate it when I'm driving, and another driver pulls up and drives the same speed as me. It fucks with me so bad. So I speed up, or slow down to get away from them. it bothers me so much.

And it's so WEIRD how my mind is wired that way!? I know it's completely irrational...
When I'm with someone else though, I'm totally okay. It's just when I'm alone that even quick glances from strangers make me get anxious. And the reality of it is, it's never just a quick glance. It's always followed by staring- blatant staring. And when you're shy and introverted, and someone becomes aware of you that much, it doesn't mix well.
A friend of mine described it like getting stagefright. hardcore stagefright. And yeah, that's the closest thing to describe what social anxiety can feel like at times. You just wanna get out of that situation asap and turn invisible, and hide.

weird huh? I've never seen anyone about it. or got diagnosed for it. but... i think... if there's any term out there that would describe how i feel in certain situations, where i get anxious, I would say that social anxiety fits the bills. it only happens when i'm out amongst other humans, lol. other humans with whom i do not wish to interact with. I get it at cons sometimes too, but it's nothing like the stoplight. Or walking down the sidewalk on my way to Disneyland. that's the worst.


ANYWAY. Is that the worst introduction ever? lol I'm sorry.
I just had to write about that because on my way home I was just laughing at myself over how dumb and irrational that is. And I can't help it! lol i can't help it. It's just ... so funny to me. Makes no sense.

MOVING ALONG.

It's finally October. Tis the season!
I love seeing everyone get into the spirit of Halloween and letting their inner darkness out ^_^
It's us spooky-kid's favorite time of the year because I mean, lets face it, it's the only time when we can get awesome stuff for home decorating all in one shopping trip at our local store.
I have bat stickers on my walls still from 5 Halloweens ago, lmao. I'm surprised they still hold up. They were window stickers from target! haha, I love it.


  This October started out particularly wonderful for me.
Was definitely a first of its kind.

Almost a week ago...
damn a week..
Well, almost a week ago, Oppa and I returned to the magical forest that is the supposedly haunted Cobb Estate.
We'd been here once before, on a night where we were trying to find Ghost Pokemon, but were met with a horrible fate of no signal.
Mind you, I loved every moment of the hike regardless of the creepy light hovering around in the distance across the drop.

He suggested we go here this time, and I was ecstatic.
It's far from me, but I love that forest. And... shit, a haunted forest hike in October with great company? Hell yeah. 

BEHOLD.  

MY 1337 PHOTOGRAPHY SKILLZ

Behold them.

It was just as eerie and creepy as I remembered it.
And we were not alone. We could hear voices up ahead, and also saw some people on our way in.

 This time, we arrived there a little earlier than last time.
Because of this, there were more city lights, which illuminated the trail better.
This is significant, because Oppa likes it when we walk in total darkness. I do too ^_^

 We stopped at the site where the old house used to be, that is supposedly the most charged place in the whole estate. Charged as in there's shit going on here because someone died there or something. IDK the story, but yeah.

 Wanted to see some rl Gastlies, but no such luck.

How many dumped bodies do you think that tree ate to grow there?

lol, from far away, I thought this was a cross on a grave.

Oppa said it's a fire hydrant lol, so I had to get in close to capture it to make sure he was right lolol

It looked like a spooky cross from far away! in the dark!? c'maaaaaahhhnnnn

So on our climb up, as we got closer to the trail that led up to where the water thing was, we heard a bunch of voices and eventually decided naaaaahhhhh
so we went back down and Oppa pointed out a little narrow side trail that went up somewhere. No clue where. So we took it.

Hi, creepy random slenderman tree.

The view was so beautiful from there. 

The air was crisp, and just cold enough to keep us cool during our hike up. 

We could hear the wildlife scattering around in the bushes.

and even at one point, we heard something wail out, probably getting killed by a hungry predator.

It was a horrible noise. 

But it was a great night.

We kicked it there for hoouurrs. Watched the people at the top come down the mountain, then watched move people come up. 

Being up there with someone dope, that high up, with that view felt kinda empowering.
Like, anything was possible. sort of. sounds dumb. but it was so freeing!
You could stand there naked in the fucking cold and look over the city and still feel awesome, even though that's totally lame sounding, lol

but nights like this make me so happy to be alive, and like, not blind. remember that one time? lol

In the midst of all the shit that's going on with my family, I needed this.
And it was just good to be out somewhere that cool-- haunted? In october? with someone.
i feel like what's been going on with my parents has stripped me of a lot of ... i don't even know what. but I've been feeling different about things since April.
the magnitude of problems that all of that has brought on cannot be described in casual conversation. so I don't.
I don't really talk to anyone about it. I don't want to. It's too awful. Hurts a lot. Not something you really wanna share with anyone. Not to mention, not something people even have the mental stamina to listen to fullheartedly without getting uncomfortable or knowing what to say.
there isn't much to say. there's nothing to say.
so i bottle it.

i'm better at listening to people's problems than talking about my own. that's what this thing is for. i don't want to bring people down with my problems. i don't want to bring people down period. i just want to be as happy as the moment allows me.
which is why that night was such a great escape for me. 

On our way down, I saw these trees in the distance and they looked like different animals and dinosaurs doing the dirty, lol. Can't see it through this picture, but it turned into this whole spiel about a bear and turtle and ... some other animal I can't remember. it was funny.

We came back down and I drove him a whole block over to where his car was parked. But then something happened.
We were in a car, so that meant we weren't leaving for another 8 years. because car time.


While we found no Gastlies, it was pretty cool to be there again!
It makes me want to go exploring more places. There's a place by LAX that I learned about that I really wanna check out. I'd have to get masks though. Asbestos is no bueno :P



YO.
THERE'S THIS RAMEN PLACE LIKE 12 MINUTES AWAY FROM MY HOUSE JUST DOWN THE STREET.

And it's so beautiful T____T
Mental note: go here often.

I kind of wanna go right... now.

 And then, duh.
Boba after ramen.

How I do. Doge knows. Doge doesn't fight it.

Actually, boba after everything, really. Boba after ramen, boba after sushi, boba after tacos, boba after arriving somewhere to get boba specifically.
It's a problem. I'm getting help for it.


Next day!
I met up with with another ghost pokemon lover. It's fate.
Fate we will call by Yoo.
everyone say hi Yoooooo

We met up in La Hambra to get bibimbap. because mmpf
and I don't know what this was

but I ate it, and it was good. so.

Sup Yoo.

I was one of like, 3 non-asians there. and the place was pretty crowded when we got there. and lord, the stares. lol.

THE STARES. but it was cool, because I wasn't alone. 

that's like, one thing that is awesome to me, and feels equally awesome.

when you're hanging out with 'normies' and they don't give a fuck how hard people are staring, and probably wondering like, wtf r u doing bringing that here.

it's hard to explain if you've not been in that situation as often as me, but... it feels really good.

and when you're walking into a korean place that has a shit ton of ajuhmas and ajuhssis it's kind of daunting. LET ME TELL YOU, HOW DAUNTING THAT IS.

because (mumbles in a slight whisper) ahkay i ain't even trynna trip but they're vicious. tradition is life and ajuhmas and ajuhssis don't give a flying fuck because wtf is dis chick doin wit one of our boys rn? ahkay, and those glares can be felt stabbing into you like hot needles in a junkies arm ahkay? you don't even understaaaaannnddd

But it's cool, we had a good lunch. He's a funny dude that Yoo.
But as we were leaving, I didn't wanna say bye yet so I was like LETS GO TO KNOTTSBERRY FARM YAY.
We've never been there before! So, fuck it. We had all day, les goooo

 So we drive down there, and we get there. Pay for the parking, and walk around a bit, getting lost.

I had no idea where I was going, because I'd never been there. We passed a bunch of shops or whatever. It was like a little town almost. Pretty cute. And then when we get to the gate, the lady goes, "Knottsberry Farm? Did you mean KnottsSCARY Farm? Because Knottsberry Farm closes at 5, and KnottsScary Farm starts at 7."

So I'm like.


fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
we came all this way!
It was like 3:something by that time, and the ticks for berry farm were bullshit, so we didn't get to go inside. I felt bad about him having to pay for parking, so I offered to get his ticket, but at this point, it wasn't worth it to go in for less than an hour and half.

So, we made the best of it and wandered around the little town area. it was cute!

Of course, they had a bunch of halloween stuff

BUT THEY ALSO HAD CHRISTMAS STUFF >___<
IT'S NOT EVEN HALFWAY INTO OCTOBER YET THE FUCK

But they had this cute little village with spooky stuff ^_^

These two were hiding behind of the little houses. I don't blame them! They want privacy.

lol at the troll in the background.

These lovers are so cute. 

It made me think about my bff Ponies.

What he said about a particular kind of kiss.

These are the kisses you can only experience once with the person. The kiss that makes your stomach turn upside down. It's that feeling you get before the actual first kiss. When you're both looking at each other in the eyes, wondering if you should go for it, as you both lean in closer just slightly, but you shouldn't, but you continue to stare at each other, and stare at their lips, then back at their eyes, inching closer, BARELY. you want to kiss so badly, but the world is moving so slow. it feels like forever has passed-- and then there's that maddening explosion of butterflies in your stomach. it finally drills you to pull in close and fall victim to your yearning for them, and finally melt into their embrace. 

He said it's the best feeling in the world.  

I mean, I think the way i feel after 6 lengua street tacos is the best feeling in the world, but i guess that's a close second? 

Just kidding. 

but I've had first kisses with people which were not like that at all. 

Even with how much I liked them. They were like... abrupt, and fast, and like, not at all like that description. There were ones where we weren't even really that close to each other to be able to look into each others eyes or do that whole romantic thing. 

You know, like where you're standing together, hugging and the girl is looking up at the guy or whatever and he's looking down at her and the anticipation--- yeah. 

In fact, that description seems pretty hollywood to me.

that hollywood kiss. 

or the perfect lovers kiss, 

idk.

he must've had a lot of those, lol. 

I can recall one kiss that was like that. But that's only because we were actually hugging, and also because I'm really short.  

Where was I going with this?

Ooh yeah! The skeleton couple and my bff's best feeling in the world thing.

Yeah. 

Kisses are nice ^_^

This little village was cute. I wannit.

And these frogs offend me.

I'm looking at Yoo in this and recalling a story he told me about when he was getting his picture taken for his ID or Passport, I can't remember. but, how they kept telling him to open his eyes more.... yeah.

Does it fucking look like he needs to do that, in this picture??
So fucked up

Also thanks for hunching down kinda. Sorry I'm small =\ lol

OMG.
And there was this gift shop with edible things.

 No lie, I've had chicken feet soup a trillion times growing up.

It's really good.

I love you, papa. 

We spent the whole afternoon there until like almost 9.

FUNNY STORY.

Yep. That's a hanger. And he's totally trying to break into my car.
Because I left my keys in the drivers seat. Again.

Thankfully, he was parked next to me, so him pulling hangers out of his trunk and walking over to my car to shove them through the ajar window didn't look THAT weird.

Long story short, we couldn't get it open. So he drove me home, where I went and got my spare key, and drove us back. We spoke to security about what happened, so we didn't have to pay for parking again on the way in. but boy was that fun! lol

I left with some souvenirs. 

Monday, yesterday, some more shit went down with my family. I had to gtfo and not think. 

And there's only one place I can do that in.

 I layered up and split to visit my special place.

     Redondo Beach Pier |

I arrived there a little after 12:30. It's a long drive, but I took my time to let my mind wander and clear my thoughts. Like pooping. Just let my mind poop it out.
When I got there, I didn't remember the driving there. Does that happen to anyone else? So weird.

It was the perfect night.
It was cold, and there were only a few people there. They were off further down the pier, fishing.
I had the pier to myself.
I had cried a little bit just before I parked my car-- just thinking about my parents, so my face felt hot. When I got out and walked up onto the pier, the cold breeze felt awesome. It was that cold that makes you tear up a bit and numbs the tip of your nose? I love that. 

I saw on the benches for a while. 

Then I'd get up and walk around. Admire everything. Then go back to the benches and watch the ocean.

All the while playing Edith Piaf on spotify.

No one here.

Totally barren.

 The night was so beautiful. Being there was exactly what I needed.

Someday, I wanna come to eat here.

I always say this, and it will happen.

But I'm going to spoil someone here. I could spoil myself, but it can wait.

 It was really, really cold. that's just how she is. She's the most beautiful when 2am hits. So few get to see her then like I do-- cold makes them leave early.

But, if you stay, even though she's quiet, her black oceans sing.

Her lights glow warmly. And every worry I have that should be wracking my mind, is gone.

Nothing, or anyone else exists. just her.

She does this every time I go see her.

idk how she does it.

Until we meet again.

If I bring you here, please know that it's because you are important to me. This is my sacred special escape place ^_^  and I wanted to share it with you!

I would make an awesome boyfriend. Just saying.

Oh! I was in the middle of watching Luke Cage, but someone was like no you have to watch the Flash! -____-;; so I listened to them and now I'm watching it and it's really good! haha.

It's cute to me that Barry's crush works at a coffee shop. And she also writes a blog about him and their encounters. SHE'S ME! lol nah.

That show is just cute period. There are so many awesome moments that are so relatable, too. I like Barry and Iris's dynamic a lot. She has no idea who Flash is, cuz he wears a mask, but she's intrigued by him. Been there. lol. too many times haha. Also, rooftops? I feel like rooftops are just mandatory in every superhero thing.

Which is fine. Rooftops are dope.

Yo, I'm an archetype. Except my dad isn't an authoritative figure. And my best friend isn't a superhero, but I definitely get the crush on a masked vigilante thing. um, hi have we met. V? =\ 

i hate myself.

Comikaze draws nearer.

I have 2 projects that I'm going to try to knock out. Try being the main word. If it doesn't happen for Comikaze, I'll have to wait until Wondercon. 

but trust. It'll be dope.

ANYWHO. 

immabout to go make me summadis

don't knock it. it's awesome.